Celebrities Dying

This has been a tough year in Hollywood. A lot of losing battles to this thing called death. Apparently everyone has this condition and it will catch up to all of us some day. It's a shame though that several key figures in the celebrity world have died this year....all quality artists and public figures. Starting with the most notable, we lost the King of Pop, MJ. We also lost 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett, along with newsmakers Walter Cronkite and Robert Novak. Renown filmmaker John Hughes passed away and now we just lost the one and only Patrick Swayze.

These are all people that I personally liked and respected. All of them contributed significant work to society and made our lives better for it. I think it's pretty safe to say that most everyone would agree. It's a shame they are gone. A special moment of silence for losing Jonny Castle, Bodi, and Dalton (all characters played by Swayze........can you name the movies in which he had each name respectively?). The guy did some fine work I thought.

But why can't we have more deaths amongst shoddy, low-brow celebrities? I know I know, it sounds mean. But let's just think about certain people and why we are better off without them.

When can we hear about Tom Green's death? How bout Carlos Mencia? Ashton Kutcher? The list is long and distinguished. Personally if I had to hear about the seemingly tragic death of these people, I might do a half shoulder shrug and then move on with my day. I just think if Amy Winehouse or Kevin Federline bit the dust, there might be reason to celebrate. I'm not saying that these people deserve to die; that's not my point. All I'm saying is that I can't promise you I wouldn't have people over.

If the entire cast of Entourage died in a huge fire at a strip club (a real possibility), it would be very hard for me not to assemble a pinada and actively seek out a birthday to celebrate. There's a good chance that if Paris Hilton accidentally fell out of a window and grabbed on to Nicole Ritchie's hair to save herself, and as a result, pulled Nicole out of the window too.... I can't promise you there wouldn't be a knee-jerk reaction to buy a disco ball and hire a cover band.

Again, I'm NOT saying these people should perish. Not at all. That's just cruel and unwarranted. I am saying that God-forbid it happen, I might be tempted to throw a few back that night.

There's no judgement here on character or even artistic integrity. Just a myriad of possible celebratory shenanigans that would be mere coincidence in surrounding the death of people who we're better off without.

Glorious Mistake

I made a pretty large mistake the other day. Fortunately there were no consequences other than a blow to my pride and intelligence. I was in a poorly lit bar and I was trying to get past this guy who was seated at the bar. So I politely said, "excuse me brother"...at which point I heard a female voice respond "no problem."

Obviously it's a strange predicament to take a second look and realize that the person you called "brother" was a woman. But I stood by it. See....the woman had a shaved head; I'd say like a #2 on the clippers....maybe a #3 (if you know your guards), and was dressed in a flannel shirt and jeans like she was the bass player in Candlebox or something (if you remember that group, I strongly salute you).

She didn't seem upset and her tone of voice when she responded "no problem" was not at all defensive. I'm guessing she probably just didn't hear me right, which is good. But I knew in my heart the mistake that I made, the gender reversal is usually irreversible. It's a non-rectifiable mistake. It's out there, you said it, you were wrong....take care! And that's pretty much the attitude I took. I said it, realized my mistake and moved on both physically and psychologically. The woman had a shaved head for hell's sake! And you throw on a flannel shirt and jeans and I'm just expecting you to be in a Sinead O'connor tribute band. I can't be expected to know what kind of fashion statement you're supposed to be making with a look like that. It's dark, and I tend to not look people in the face at bars lest someone strike up a conversation with me that I don't want to have. Or some Guido thinks I'm trying to act tough and next thing I know I'm having to diffuse a possible fight.

So instead, I'd rather just put my head down, stare off vaguely at something else and run the risk of calling a random woman, "brother". It's just how I do it. Not saying it's right.

Landing a Job

Why has it become so difficult to land a job in this day and age? I'm not talking about the consequences of our current recession, but rather just a general difficulty in finding a good job. We're all in the same position, we have to work for our living in order to survive. Work is the main thing that allows us to do just that. So why is the most seemingly primal catalyst in survival so hard to acquire? It's almost like the methods to this achievment are set up in opposition; like most industries and corporations are structured for rejection, not invitation.

Should we really have to take an hour out of our day to fill out an online application and submit it to no-mans-land via cyberspace. How bout the username and password you had to create just to establish a profile so that you CAN submit through their application website? It's like they're making you become a member of a group that is auditioning you to become an actual member? Seems like a strange irony to me.

What about 3-4 rounds of interviews for an otherwise meager position? I once had 3 rounds of interviews for an administrative assistant position, and when I got to the interview they couldn't even tell me exactly what I'd be doing..."it's pretty open right now, we're re-structuring a lot of things so the job could turn into anything". Awesome! Three interviews for a job that you can't even describe? Sign me up...right after I light this fuckin' place on fire! I didn't light the place on fire, nor did I get the position. I'm glad about it now, but hindsight appreciation doesn't get me back that wasted time or the contentious attitude my current boss had in letting me have the time off to go to the interview (she thought it was a Dr.'s appt of course).

It's like an obstacle course with monkeys throwing shit at you after you trip over one of the rubber tires in the middle of the course. That's not based on a true story, but you get the idea. No one should have to go threw all these hoops just to simply put some food on his/her plate. If the president and his administration want to talk about job creation, let's start talking about creating better jobs for people, not just more. Cuz in order to land a job wherein you don't want to blow your head off or your colleague's head off...you have to first get socked in the gut by a 1,000 gorillas and THEN AND ONLY THEN you might get the gig.

It's not a problem caused by a recession necessarily. I've personally always felt the difficulty in landing a decent job. Perhaps I'm too picky? Perhaps I'm hard to satisfy? Perhaps I need to shave off this spiked mohawk? Could be a combination of all those. But I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong here, as I've gotten the same attitude from many of my peers. And let's face it, most people hate their jobs.

So there's everyone's predicament really, we all get in line to jump through hula hoops laced with horseshit just so that we can plop down in our cubicle and get carpal tunnel.

I'm moving to Scotland now, I want to be a shepherd. Ever heard of a sheep that talked back to you or asked you to "enter this in a spreadsheet"? No, no you have not.

A Fine Dining Experience

I had the privilege of taking my beautiful girlfriend out to dinner last night for her birthday. It was a lovely evening and we had a great time and experience. But, as usual, I feel the need to point out some nonsense that I encountered. (I feel like I'm becoming the next Larry David.....always having to point out what's wrong with a situation).

On the basis that I had a gift certificate, I chose to dine at a restaurant called Acapella, a northern Italian place down in Tribeca. Amazing place, the food was delectable and the service was ridiculously impeccable. They run a fancy establishment and it's no place for the savage. It's definitely a 3-star fine dining experience...which frankly, I wasn't expecting. I wasn't prepared, and the reason I wasn't prepared is because it's not 1987 and I didn't have a job on Wall Street. Nonetheless, I enjoy spoiling my girlfriend cuz she deserves every ounce of it, and it was a special occasion being her birthday, so we indulged a bit over our heads. Had a great time.

But I realized there's a catch 22 inherent in the fine dining experience. When you actually do it, it's supposed to be a special treat for yourself and whoever you're with...right? Well, sort of. On the one hand, yes....it's a nice experience to be taken care of with such refinement and attention to detail. On the other hand, it can be a source of discomfort because you feel like you're not doing anything right. Like some kind of high-school angst that's grand-fathered back in a voice that says you're not good enough to be here or if you do something that's not "cool" you'll be mocked, however subtly.

Now I don't think Joanna and I did anything wrong at all (okay, I may have licked my fingers once or twice....that's on me), but even still the pleasure and relaxation was affected a bit because we were on our toes to be proper and not screw up in some way. Joanna seemed a little more intimidated by this factor than I was, as I tend to mock policies and protocols that exist for no good reason. However, I was still affected by her stress because I had to get her to relax a bit and enjoy herself on her birthday.

Now I don't mean to say that this place was uppedy or snobbish, not at all. It's fine dining....it is what it is. Our waiter was quite affable and we were greeted warmly. However there was also a "captain" that approached our table (a captain, for those of you who don't know....is your actual waiter in a place like this.......they just don't do any real work, you see them once when they take your order, and that's the end of the relationship). Anyway, our captain, though knowledgeable and courteous, was a bit imposing with his suggestions. Naturally, it's his job to "sell" us on the specials and the vino, but it was far more than merely inviting, he was strongly suggestive.........as if to think I'd be out of my mind if I didn't want an appetizer? "You should try "this", you should try "that"....how about "this" for the lady, and afterward I'll bring you our list of cogniacs and ports." What am I, a male stripper? I just have bills comin' out of my ass crack over here? Should I duct tape my wallet to my forehead and then tie up my hands so you can get into it at will?

Now he was just doing his job, but again it was that intimidation factor that kept the moment from being enjoyable. Now admittedly, Joanna and I don't eat like that very often, and I'm sure our captain could sense that in little time. Especially when I ordered the "scallops", which read Scallopine on the menu.......he corrected me that it was actually veal. Case in point, I didn't know what the hell I was talking about despite my efforts to remain confident in throwing some of the pressure back his way. I looked like a jack ass, but I was over it within a few seconds. So far, there's really no nonsense of which to report in this experience....just that we were mingling with the "finer" class of palates in the city and feeling the pressure of being among them. No nonsense, that is, until the bill came.

Now please understand, I'm not a stingy guy, but when the check came, that's when I just shook my head in a way that says "this is bullshit". The bill was a bit more pricey than expected, which I'm totally fine with as long as I know what I'm getting into. But we ordered 2 of the appetizers that were special that night, and 2 desserts; none of which was the price cited. No dessert menu was presented, nor was a mathematical figure announced when he was rattling off the specials. You just order in ignorance and boom!....a small Tiramisu cost $14....it was hands down the best Tiramisu I've had, but it was $14. And my sorbet was $12. Yes, sorbet.

This is what I'm talking about. The pressure and expectation to not ask questions or pursue information out of fear that you'll be made to feel ignorant or out of place if you do so. It's that presumptious mentality of fine dining culture that expects you to disregard money as an even remotely problematic issue..."you're obviously willing to spend whatever "we" say you're gonna spend, so I'll just suggest accordingly", says the captain in his head. And he's not wrong for thinking this necessarily. I could have asked how much the desserts were or to see a menu (not that places like this cite prices on everything), but there was a dilemma in doing so. Do I want to ask and risk looking like a cheap boyfriend, and have this guy give me a glare of "you obviously don't belong here"? Or do I just suck it up and consider the occasion and go with it for the sake of making my girlfriend feel taken care of and loved. I'm a wise man most of the time, so I chose the latter. It was a no brainer; after all, I knew where I was.

Now for the real nonsense (sorry to be long-winded). The bill came, everything was fine, but I noticed the check had 2 spaces for 2 distinct tips. One for the waiter, and one for the captain. Really? I kinda wanted to pull them both aside and say, "here's my table, and over there is another table. I need one waiter here, and I'm guessing they can probably use a waiter over there. One of you stay here....and as for the other server.....get the fuck out of here!"

This notion that you have to tip two separate people for 1 table is where I draw the line. Having been a waiter many times before, I'm a 20% tipper always. But as a patron, I really don't need two guys taking turns disseminating information that one person can do....all for the purpose of slyly trying to get more of a tip out of me. Just give me one affable guy with a pen and I'm good to go. So I just tipped slightly over 20% for the whole bill and jotted a tiny note that read "you guys figure it out". I think this is fair, if you're gonna put me in an awkward situation to decide who should get what kind of tip, I'm just gonna throw it right back your way.

I enjoy fine dining, I really do. It's nice to take an occasion and be served with such care and refinement. I made the mistake of not knowing exactly the kind of place I was getting into. I happens sometimes. No biggie. It was a terrific restaurant and supremely excellent food. I'll just know better about the bullshit protocol next time.

Time for lunch, I think there's an Arby's nearby.

Reality TV

I was waiting on the subway recently and I saw a billboard for yet another realty show which looked awful, maybe the worst one yet. It's a new show on the Oxygen network called "Addicted to Beauty"....a show about a team of cosmetologists who run a plastic surgery clinic together or some crap (the drama ensues!!!). Really? Really? Are you friggin' kidding me?

Maybe I'm just missing the draw here, but aren't we getting a little bit out of control with this reality fixation? I see billboards for this crap all the time--Tori and Dean, Dance your Ass Off, America's Next Top Model etc. Who gives a shit about any of this? Newsflash, no one cared about Tori Spelling even when she played a semi-retarded drama queen on Beverly Hills 90210 (a role that was probably not a stretch for her). And the only reason people want to see fat people do anything is so that we can make fun of them for doing that thing even though they're fat....pretty sad. As far as the next top model, I don't even think I can name one model........wait, Derek Zoolander! There ya go, I managed to remember one.

This is without a doubt THE lowest point in the history of television, I'm convinced. Nobody wants to write anything anymore; it's just putting the camera on a group of assholes and yelling "action!" Every time I turn around there's a bus with a huge ad for some garbage show that makes me want to puke on the side of the bus. The sad part is that networks that have since been notorious for producing good programming are now falling for the fad of turning the camera on and just letting people act like asses for the masses. Even TLC (the learning channel) now has a show about psychotic "pageant parents"....you know, the kind of parents that put their toddlers and babies in these beauty pageants. I haven't watched one second of it but I've dated a couple girls who were into pageants and let's just say I should kick my own ass for entertaining that. But the parents are worse because it's THEIR ambition, not the child's. I ask TLC, what's to learn from that? How to not be an asshole should have been covered around 10 yrs of age.

So let's try and answer this question: What is the draw for all of this reality programming? On the business side, I can understand the draw completely. Super cheap budget! No script to pay for, no SAG actors to pay, minimal set to build, and absolutely no talent to take care of. It's quite explainable why networks want to do this. But the real question is...why is it successful?

If what I'm saying is true and it's all garbage, then why are people so caught up in it? I'm a grown man but I'd honestly rather sit down for an old skool episode of Count Duckula on Nickelodeon than watch Tori and Dean become bigger jack-offs in front of everyone. But there are millions and millions of viewers that think otherwise. Why?

Can we safely assume that people watch this stuff because they don't have much else going on in their lives? That seems to be quite a safe assumption considering how many alternative options there are to watching some lady bitch out their husband because little Jeanie didn't have the right baton for the competition. Or worse, the other way around! I don't have a ton of respect for video games as a great way to spend your time, but I gotta say that these new reality series are making Madden '10 look like holding hands with FDR on your way to the Smithsonian.

I'm also gonna throw this out there at the risk of offending some of my readers. Have you ever talked to someone who's hooked on reality TV? I'm not talking about the person who's had a bad day at work and plops down to let his brain rot for 10 mintues (even I do that). Rather, I'm talking about the person who cites particular episodes followed by...."I love that show!" I've encountered plenty of these people, even family members, and they all have one thing in common........they don't know what a scantron is! Okay, maybe that's exaggerating, cuz I certainly know plenty of college educated people who watch this stuff. But honestly, if you just told me what happened in the last episode of Rock of Love w/ Bret Michaels, or Sixteen and Pregnant (awful concept by the way), I want to turn my back on you mid-sentence and walk away; never to waste my eyesight on you again.

Obviously, I'm not coming up with any real answer to my question here. I'm not sure if there is just one answer as to why people watch this stuff. It's probably a myriad of reasons. No education? No parental guidance? No mind? No soul? I do not have the answer. I just know there was a time when characters such as Cliff Huxtable and Alex P. Keaton touched the hearts of American TV viewers. Mr. Belvedere was a gentle man, and we were all supportive of Charles being in charge before he went to the dark side of reality TV as well. I'm simply saying that there used to be endearing, positive figures to watch on the small screen. Happy Days were truly happy days back then, and I can think of no other more comforting and encouraging voice, than the voice of Kit in Knight Rider. He looked after Michael, he cared for him.....he was the "Alfred" of Pontiac Firebirds.

Let's go back to these days people! Let's demand better programming from our networks by saying NO to this horseshit they're putting on the screen. Watching this crap will never make you a singer, it'll never make you a dancer, you'll never tryout for the Dallas Cowboys, and never never never will you screw as many rancid, souless, god-forsaken trash-women as Bret Michaels. So just put downt the remote and start reading for a change. My blog is a good place to start........

Guy Flicks

So nothing really substantive here on this entry...but I was flippin' through the channels last Sunday and good ole' Spike TV was showing a double dosage of Stallone in Rambo. First Blood, followed by First Blood pt. II. Obviously the '81 classic speaks for itself and Brian Dennehy learned some tough lessons in that film, but as I started watching the sequel (1985, same year as Rocky IV), it occurred to me that I hadn't seen this is quite a while and I completely forgot how much ass was kicked by Stallone in that film.

He gets betrayed by his corporeal commander back at the base and left for dead in a Vietnamese prison camp....which was a huge mistake, because Rambo loses it and just starts fucking people up left and right.

The whole thing just made me appreciate being a guy and loving these classic action hero movies that have such a profound impact on a young dude. I'll admit I didn't become Rambo, nor have I fought a Russian boxer nicknamed "The Siberian Express", nor have I fired a machine gun at a transparent alien in the jungles of south America, and I don't have any vale tudo fights in the Kumate. But I could have done all that if I wanted to, I just chose not to........I discovered beer in high school and that's that.

Megachurches

I stumbled upon a very interesting article here on "megachurches"--those churches that comprise thousands of congregates and millions of dollars in their budget, just like Jesus did....oh wait a minute; maybe I have that backwards. Mostly encompassed in the protestant realm, megachurches have grown immensely over the last couple decades with no projected stoppage anywhere in the near future.

As a life-long Christian, I've been in the game a while and have seen and done just about everything that the Christian life and culture has to offer. So much that I'm almost ready to throw in the towel on church attendance altogether or just start showing up at someone's home for a small group study and fellowship. I think it's become quite trendy to rag on the church in general and I always want to stay away from that (or ragging on anyone, since there's ample "material" in my own life). But I gotta wonder if megachurches are really what Christ had in mind when he said "go out from among them".

I think intentions are still mostly good when it comes to these pastors and leadership teams that want to evangelize the world and be the beacons of virtue by seeing the world through God's eyes. However, although God has infinite "wealth", Christ and his followers did not. They were ridiculously poor and totally blue collar. Which means the church didn't start out with the megachurch template. Have they gone terribly awry in their structure? Nothing wrong with money, nothing at all. But when I show up to a megachurch service and I see fog machines on stage (which cost money) and rather brilliant light shows during the "worship" service...I honestly want to puke. There was no showmanship amongst Christ and the early Christians, it was stripped down to bare bones--love God and love you neighbor, just love him! If you can love them with wealth that's great. And please understand there's nothing at all inherently wrong with a performance. I'm a performer and I sleep quite well at night. Nor is a performance totally unrelated to one's spiritual life in my opinion.

But when it comes to organized worship and a time to be meditating on the things above, I don't know, I guess I just find jumbo screens and lazer shows to be completely unspiritual for me. That's fine at a Pink Floyd concert, where, by the way, I find myself being much more spiritually charged (and not because I'm on mushrooms), but in church? Ahhhhhhhh, I just don't know about that.

Some of these pastors have clearly been completely overtaken by the wealth and rock star status that the Christian culture has assigned to them as a result of charismatic personalities, record breaking attendance, and #1 best selling books. Some of these books that are coming out from megachurch pastors are just completely dumbed down "be happy and feel good" pamphlets on how to think positive. They're sluglines at best. I guess even the Christian can sell his soul for a shot at making coin by telling everyone that "it's gonna be okay, God's good." Indeed, I believe he is Good. But this is a very very dull and imcomplete theology that can hurt people as much as it can help people, even more sometimes. I disagree with Marx that religion is merely the opiate of the masses; but he is on to something to some degree. We see it even in the secular world. How to get rich books, how to think positive, THE SECRET, RICH DAD POOR DAD, LIVING THE LIFE YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT. All of this is religion when you think about it. All of it is based on a world view of how to live your life so that everything is okay. Well, the world is not okay and we ought not be okay with the fact that it's not okay. If you think everything is okay, then you're probably not living a real Christian life. If you're not living with frustration and an ache in your soul for what ought to be, you've missed the whole point of being a Christian.

And it pains me to see this kind of simplicity applied to the Christian life. And I think that's the best word to describe the megachurch culture: simplicity. Milk and honey rather than meat and potatoes. Obviously milk and honey has its place, an infant is going to need those nutrients prior to consuming more substantial food, and a seasoned spiritual person no longer can satiate his hunger for God on milk and honey. But whatever stage we're at, we need to grow up eventually. Megachurches, however, seem to want to grow out. The mentality seems to be "let's get as many infants in here as possible, and just stay put", rather than nuturing these infants where they are and then sending them on to a more rigorous "school" if you will.

Again, it's difficult to evaluate where a pastor's heart is really at, or how much good a church is doing at that size; perhaps a ton, perhaps not so much. But I can't imagine that intimacy, humility, moderation, and the quiet life (all the things that Christ preached), are being tended to in a megachurch. When the mighty dollar overtakes theology and fellowship, you don't have a church anymore, you have a business. Last I checked, Christ was unemployed.

Gay Exorcism??

I saw this online and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. This video here has generated some controversy over a gay teen apparently undergoing some kind of casting out of his gay demons.

There are plenty of horror films about demons. I thought the demon in Creepers was a scary dude. Freddy Kruger could certainly wreak havoc once you fell asleep; not to mention little Damien in the Omen, the Evil Dead series...plus all the "new" demons that we saw in Constantine, Event Horizon, or Drag Me to Hell. But other than David Bowie in Labyrinth, none of these demons gave any indication that they might blow a guy on a coke bender in Atlantic City! Gay demons? Come on. Did we ever see Freddy saddle up at a gay bar and order a round of appletini's? No...no we didn't. It was simply impossible for him to hold a glass. Hell, he couldn't even pay the bartender without cutting that fool.

Did we ever accuse the zombies in Michael Jackson's Thriller video of being gay just because they could dance well? I can see that maybe being a viable claim if only one of them was dancing on a table while the others threw back shots of "purple hooters" and eventually took turns "tuggin'" on that demon (we've all been there). But the thought never crossed my mind.

Come on now church! As a man with religious convictions myself, I can say that I'm ashamed of this behavior. First of all, if you look at the video of the exorcism, they're not even doing it right; so let that be stated right out of the gate. You don't exorcise gay demons in a church. You do it at a monster truck rally while showing a Cinemax feature on the jumbo tron. Now now, I'm convinced these pentacostal do-gooders had the best of intentions. But gayness does not come from Satan or the demonic world. It comes from the Bravo network.

nuff said.

Cancer Benefit

I recently performed at a highly successful benefit for the American Cancer Society and I'm happy to report that throughout the entire evening, nobody came down with cancer. It was held at a venue in Brooklyn, and I just couldn't help but be touched by the fact that although we live in a post-modern, liberal society with blurred morals...it was so refreshing to be in a room with that many people who are still anti-cancer. I'm not afraid to be a maverick and take some chances on stage. Cancer is wrong and I'm sayin' it!!

I called out that disease like I was Bill Maher calling out the republican party, only I used punchlines and was performing for an audience who could think. In this day and age, it's become perfectly acceptable to put just about anything or anyone in your body, and I for one would like to see cancer continue to stay off that growing list.


It was produced by a good friend of mine who was a cancer survivor (almost didn't make it) and is now a stern facilitator in the fight against this disease. I did a bit about haircuts and looked over at my now bald friend realizing, "hey, maybe a haircut joke isn't such a big hit at a cancer benefit." Nonetheless, the joke got laughs and was used in an appropriate context. It was a great experience and a fine way to donate my time and comedic talents to a worthy cause. I was honored to be a part of it.

Why Would I Do This Job?

If you've ever perused the online job sites in search of a compelling job that you might want to pursue, then you're probably well aware of the kinda thing I wish to point out--ridiculous job postings.

There's very few good jobs on the internet as it is, most of them offer boring mundane positions in sales or some kind of vague title that only that company has made up "communications analyst" etc. But if the main purpose of a job posting is to serve as an advertisement to attract interested candidates to fill the position, then I gotta wonder what some of these HR idiots are thinking. For instance, I never cease to be amazed at ads like this one:

Executive Assistant to VP North America & Europe / Office Manager

• Support VP, Sales Director and sales team of 10 people in day-to-day operation of the office, make all domestic and international travel arrangements for VP, order all office supplies and maintain office equipment, process vendor invoices and assist with mailings, prepare expenses and schedule meetings for VP, faxing, scanning, copying and other general duties, assist with processing employee expenses, assist with various projects as assigned, assist with coordination of company events
• 
  
• Thick skin, turn on a dime, great skills, dedicated, flexible, professional, intuitive
  
• - could have long hours…. Lots of Project Management, strong prioritization, patient!!!!!!
• Job is unorganized chaos – someone who needs structure will not be happy.

I took the liberty of highlighting certain sections to illustrate what I'm talking about. Obviously, this is for an Executive Assistant position supporting a big wig. The description is fine until we get to the 2nd bullet point. Take a look at how this is worded and presented. Would any rational person want to take this shitty job?? Let's break it down point for point how I (and any normally intuitive person) would interpret this:

* thick skin - So in other words, you're an asshole who thinks that throwing out a disclaimer that you're an asshole relieves you of any constrictions you would otherwise have to exercise in how you talk to and treat people. You've made it clear in saying this that you're a difficult person to work for...and you think admitting this right out of the gate makes it okay for you to continue to be a colossal prick. After reviewing the position, I'm gonna go ahead and NOT work for you. By the way, go fuck yourself.

* could have long hours - This is what it is...a legitimate disclaimer. However, is that something you really want to advertise? I could see "long hours" being enticing if the job posting was for a Caribbean scuba diver....but for an exec assistant position? Your not offering a dream job here, stupid.....this is a job that is spent doing all the mundane work that you don't have the time or willingness to do, you're advertising for a corporate butler for hell's sake. And that's totally fine, but how it's presented is basically a shortened way of stating "hey, why don't you stay til 8pm tonight and make sure we're all stocked up on sticky pads...that is....after you reply to all of my emails for me." Again, if this was fascinating and fulfilling work, that'd be one thing. But no assistant should be staying past 5:30pm; anywhere.

* patient!!!!!! - Right off the bat, we know that this person who is requiring patience from the candidate is not himself patient...we know this because they tacked on 6 exclamation points to the word. What this indicates is "hey I'm gonna do some things that are either not efficient or chaotic or I might have a garbage personality that makes people want to murder me......but I'm not gonna change those things about me and my work, instead, I'm just gonna ask you to be patient." Again, who would want to work for this person? Remember it's an Exec. Assistant position, so we probably are talking about one person that the candidate reports to--the Exec.

* Job is unorganized chaos - Translation: this gig is shitty and it sucks to work here....hardly anything runs smoothly and we're looking for someone who we can blame it all on because we/I can't seem to get it together.
Again, to the writer of this posting I have to ask...where is your head? Even if it is disorganized, wouldn't you wait to disclaim that further into the interview progress, if at all? No person wants to jump into a place where there's chaos. Why don't you just create the headline "Blame-Welcoming Moron Wanted to Take the Heat for a Shit Show!"

* will not be happy - Really? You don't say!

Now I realize the nature of being an administrative assistant, it's not glorious and there's no reason to paint it any more colorful than it is. But that's just it, everyone knows it's not glorious, so why add kerosene to the fire by adding to this intiutive understanding that not only is it not glorious, but it's truly gonna make you want to blow your head off just by being around the place/people.

I will soon be moving to Montana to work on farm and go fly fishing just so that I can get as far away from this kind of corporate world as possible. Thank you for reading....I have to go stock office supplies now.

Guys Hitting on Girls

Every once in a while I witness a guy trying to make his way into a woman's life via the "come on". Now I've never been good at this, I had a major dry spell from about age 19-22, and it wasn't until about 23 that I started coming into my own and having some measure of success attracting women. As I've gotten older, my stock is going up and it has become easier. However, never in all this time did I legitimately attempt to "pick up chicks".

My mentality was that I never knew what to say because I convinced myself that there WAS nothing to say; and let's face it, with a cold pick-up, there usually isn't. And thus I remain fascinated by guys who try this. For some time I was envious of dudes who could do it well, until I became mature and discerning enough to know that this type of guy is usually all shell and no substance; once he's conquered what he set out to conquer (you know...), there's not much left to envy about him.

But equally as fascinating and more humorous are the guys who try this before they have come in to their own (which takes a long time for most men). That is, those guys that are trying too hard because they haven't quite blossomed into an interesting person just yet. Case in point, my gorgeous girlfriend (who often is the victim of these incidents, not because she asks for it, she's just really attractive......it happens to all of us...I mean, them) was just recently hit on 3 times in one night on a single subway ride home.

I wasn't with her, but apparently there was a kid who couldn't have been more than 20 yrs old according to her, that asked her for directions, then parted ways, only to track her down on the subway and proceed to ask for her name and where she lived etc. Mind you there was very little conversation before these facts were solicited, so right away he's obliviously crossing the line asking for her name and location right out of the gate (like she's a cadet or some shit?)......this is a sure fire way to get a woman to leave the subway just to get away from your shady persona. You simply don't pull out "where do you live" when on the subway.

Sensing what's happening here, my girlfriend naturally plays the "I have a boyfriend" card. Did I mention she's 26 and this kid's in college still? Anyway, this was not enough for his naive ass to get the picture, so he asks how long she's had a boyfriend. Here is where my girlfriend should have got a little tougher and just told him "none of your business, fuck off little boy"; but she's too sweet for that so she obliged and then check this out......he asks if she's ready to have my children!! At this point my girlfriend should have slapped the shit out of him, but again, she's a doll. According to his theory, if after 11 months of courtship, you're not ready to have your boyfriend's children, then apparently he's not "the one". My girlfriend then got off the train at her stop wishing this wouldn't have happened; and feeling a little bit down on herself for not asserting her privacy and boundaries more sternly with this douche bag.

She told me this story and I couldn't help but shake my head in amusement at the level of stupidity most men (especially young men) have when approaching women. I might have been a late bloomer but at least my dating resume doesn't say DICKHEAD at the top of it. My heart goes out to you ladies, we're a shallow shallow breed sometimes.

Posters

How come the room poster is no longer relevant today? At what point did it become passe to have a poster on your wall of something cool that you liked? After all, isn't it still your room? Even if you're married, half the room is yours isn't it? So why not throw up a Ravishing Rick Rude poster just for old time sake?

It's a sad time when the poster as a species of art is dying. We've traded in classic images of real things and people for abstract nonsense of two scribbled lines down canvas entitled "two scribbled lines on canvas". Sadly the latter probably costs at least a few grand, meanwhile you could probably pick up a Shawn Kemp poster for $3.50.....or in someone's attic for free.

At any rate, I'm a man and thus collected man-posters.....mansters if you will? And now I'd like to take you dudes (and sisters of these dudes) down memory lane for a look at some classic images that really hit home for me and many many other guys.

On your left is exhibit A....a classic one for many young boys...the holy Ferrari Testarossa. If this wasn't on your wall at age 10, then you weren't dreaming big enough. If you're 60 years old, I'm not talking to you, obviously this glorious machine wasn't invented yet. But if you're like me (late 20's/early 30's), then this car has a very special place in your heart. Where it does not have a special place, is in your driveway. Cuz let's face it, if you have a poster of a Ferrari in your room, you probably don't have a Ferrari. Moving on..........

Exhibit B to your right is one of the most accomplished and progressive athletes in the history of human existence....Macho Man Randy Savage! An Ohio State alumni, this man brought more joy (and suplexes) to the hearts of more young boys than the entire G.I. Joe cast combined. He is a pioneer in the world of professional wrestling and just general kick-ass-ness. He is respected everywhere he goes and can I just say that I'd love to sit down, have a beer with him and talk shop....I may or may not snap into a slim jim.


Keeping the party going........to your left you'll see Exhibit C, another classic sports figure by the name of Michael Jordan. I could do probaby 20 entries on the amount of classic posters that this guy has out there, but I picked a portrait piece that I'm sure you would remember as a young lad....it is called plain and simply "Wings". If you didn't have this poster in your room somewhere in the early 90's....you were gay. Plain and simple. You were a gay young boy on your way to gayness of perhaps an extreme variety. Every kid knew this guy could fly and we wanted to be just like him. I for one still want to be just like him. It is a love affair man-crush that will never end. Although I will say, Lebron and Dwight Howard......well let's just say I would have an affair.

Next we have Exhibit D. A classic portrait of lustful vixen Tawny Kitaen. This was during her reign as a hood ornament sex goddess for the band Whitesnake. They probably all got a piece of that, not to mention the band members from Ratt and countless other hair band members...and a few roadies perhaps. Now I'll admit, this poster was around 1987 or so, so I was only about 9 years old and not aware of the kind of effect she could have on a man. But I threw it up here anyway as an ode to men slightly older than me that were coming into to their teenage years when she was frolicking around.

Now contrast that pic with this other one on your left. Obviously this is not the headshot her agent is submitting for TV and print work; however, it is a headshot nonetheless. This was taken just shortly after her arrest from kicking then ace pitcher Chuck Finley in the face with a high heel. Perhaps he didn't have enough track marks on his arm or enough tattoos to make her happy. This is not a coveted poster from back in the day, I threw it up purely for the joke. I hope it was worth it.

Moving on...now we come to a personal favorite of mine being born and raised in San Diego. Exhibit E, the classic big wave poster. I have no idea where this shot was taken, probably in Hawaii somewhere, perhaps the North Shore? But I had tons of these on my wall and although I didn't aspire to be a pro surfer, I do love the sport and will pick it back up when I'm living on the coast again some day. Plus waves are just aesthetically appealing in general.

And lastly but certainly not least, we arrive at one of the earliest depictions of the male psyche......please welcome to the show, exhibit F...the classic beast/animal poster. This is a sample of something I would have had in my room. I enjoyed birds of prey a great deal, as well the entire big cat genre. If you went with a Zebra or a Giraffe, well, I'm not gonna say you were gay, but you had better have had that Michael Jordan "Wings" poster also up in your room; or yes, you were in fact gay. However the irony is that although having this poster up in your room at age 8 meant that you were NOT gay; if you still have it up....then you are clearly now gay. Try solving that puzzle. The beast poster brings out the wildness and untamed spirit that a young man should have from ages 5 - 14 I would say. I've always appreciated the majesty of such a pose that this bad-ass lion is striking. After all, every man wants to have the heart of a lion.

So there you have it. All of these images combined played an integral role in many dudes' lives. We are all probably blind to the kind of effect they had on us. They have helped shape me into the kind of man I am today. I know I know....if that's indeed true, there should be a poster of sarcasm somewhere. But that's an abstract concept...you can't photograph it. See? I can be literal too.

A Srange News Feature

So I'm perusing the online news sites as I usually do in the morning, and I come across the weirdest headline...."Never Before Published Hitler Photographs!"

Now I ask you, who wouldn't want to check out some new and previously exclusive pics of one of the most sinister and revolting figures in human history? Answer: probably no one.

But I took a gander at a couple, just for morbid curiosity's sake. My favorite of the four that I could stomach was entitled A Nazi Christmas Party. Wonder what that was like? I could see some awful and corny joke cracking at the dinner table...
"Adolf...can you pass the Jew? Oh wait, there aren't any here." (group laughter ensues).

Maybe if I scrolled through more I would see Hitler at the Hard Rock in Vegas, A Nazi Spring Break in Cancun, or perhaps some pics from his wedding album Hitler and Hatred...together forever.

This is a strange feature, I can't quite figure out why that would be considered newsworthy. Needless to say, I don't think that online article is gonna get many hits in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. But it probably shouldn't get many hits period.

Anyway........these are the things that I notice

Pranks Going Too Far?

I'm a comedian, so I'm a big fan of jokes...let that be said on the record. But I saw this image to the right and was a bit taken aback. What you're seeing is a mostly naked Sacha Baren Cohen taking a dive into Eminem's lap and basically forcing a "69" position on him out of nowhere.

Apparently the white rapper was infuriated and stormed out of the MTV movie awards. On a personal note, I happen to think there are plenty of reasons to storm out of the MTV movie awards....the main one being that you're at the MTV movie awards.

Anyway, so this royal prankster descends from the rafters, fakes an entanglement so that he ends up inverted, and then takes a nose dive into Eminem's crotch...all the while wearing a thong. Really? Force feeding your junk on some other dude's face in the middle of a huge high-profile crowd? Eminem was pissed and rightfully so. There's quality pranks that get everyone laughing, and then there's just blatant lewdness and line-crossing. If you want to be a jackass and take the stage in a thong because that's all you can think of to be funny....that's one thing, but to force your junk on another man's face? That's a splendid way to get your ass kicked in a hurry!

Sacha Baron Cohen is a fine actor and has a gift for comedy, for sure. But my respect for him is plummeting because it seems that lewdness is all he can do. He's clearly in the market to shock. And anyone who makes a career out of shocking others horrendously (and most of the time, this shocking is done with offense) has a lucent insecurity that needs fixing. I'm reminded of a scene in Borat about the meek family who owned the antique shop, and his character performed a series of ridiculous falls and he bascially trashed this couple's store. All for what? A hardy chuckle? That was their living and he basically trashed it in order to give us a glimpse into his soul.

In the world of comedy, I fear we're navigating toward a mentality that says "everything is funny, no matter what!" This is ridiculous. Not everything is funny. Purposeful humor requires thought and intellectual talent. If you can't be funny and draw positive attention without crossing over into some innocent person's territory and using that as currency to buy your laugh, then you're not really funny, you're not offering anything...you're just an asshole who wasn't hugged enough growing up. Think harder.

More Unworthy News...

I was in my room last night and overheard the TV...Geraldo was reporting that Susan Boyle (Britain's Got Talent) was apparently rushed to the hospital and was suffering from exhaustion.
It was really a compelling piece, emmy award winning journalism...I wish you all could have heard it.

See my below rant if you're not picking up on the sarcasm.

It's True Folks....Here In America, We Just Don't Care Enough About Celebrities

Can somebody please tell me why American Idol is entertaining? I'm open to discussion because I cannot figure out the draw. Maybe I'm just not that interested in someone else's success or perhaps I just don't like watching people be judged by the likes of Paula Abdul...though to her credit, she is mostly positive and not a cold-hearted snake.

We've even become obsessed with talent shows over seas! These are people that we didn't even breed as a nation and yet we cannot stop watching it, talking about it on stupid morning radio, and writing about it. And now I'm forced to write about it, and that chaps my hide (when was the last time you said "chaps my hide"....if ever? Think about it, I'm bringin' it back).

And it's getting worse, I noticed an entire article the other day dedicated to the minute, banal factoid that Susan Boyle disagreed with a judge's statement and may have raised her middle finger. Really? We're gonna write a whole article on that and report the disagreement? Who gives a crap!! Am I missing something here? Are celebrities and entertainers more important than I'm giving them credit for? And keep in mind at this point, these people are only POTENTIAL rock stars; for the most part they're flash in the pan puppets that are yesterday's news, sometimes a literal day later.

I can't think of anyone who's had a truly respectable career coming out of this stupid show and the offshoots its spawned. Kelly Clarkson has had a pretty solid career, she was the very first winner; but let's not forget, her music sucks! But how bout her counterpart Justin Guarini? Exactly, I didn't remember him either, had to look him up. Point is nobody remembers these people after the spotlight is off them. Rueben Studdard? Where the hell is he? He actually won, and yet his loafer-light opponent Clay Aiken is still more popular........and that's only because he announced that he's gay. Once again, who friggin' cares! You don't get extra attention for being gay.

Isn't it just pathetic that some people are famous merely for being famous? Lindsey Lohan, both Simpson sisters, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton etc. I can't name one artistic contribution from one of these people....granted, I don't pay attention, but yet I know of them and about them and I should because they don't DO ANYTHING!

I had some guy not too long ago mention something he saw on VH1, something about Amy Winehouse being in the news, and when I seemed like I didn't know who she was (and essentially asking, why is this important?), he responded, "dude, you don't know who Amy Winehouse is?"
"No I don't, sorry.....see, you watch VH1 apparently, so I stopped listening to you as soon as you mentioned that awful habit in your life. Secondly, she's on VH1, so her music probably sucks and she's more famous for who she's screwed while on bender at the Viper Room on the sunset strip, and lastly......I'm gonna get back to work.

"You mean, you don't watch American Idol?"

"No.........I read."

It's tiresome and pitiful to hear and read people going on and on about celebrities for the sake of their celebrity.

Shoot me. Shoot me now.

Strange Advertisement

I wish I could post a link to this or give you some kind of illustration, but there simply is none....it's just something I saw when I was driving.
I'm on the highway in Florida recently and I saw a huge billboard off the road that was advertising for a hospital. I had never seen an ad for a hospital, I didn't even know that was necessary. Business must not be quite that good lately, apparently the economy is even slowing down peoples' sickness and ailments!

I'm picturing the marketing director for this hospital, not sure what that would look like during a campaign meeting, "Okay everyone, we need to find a way to get more people into this hospital. Swine flu and cancer are dated strategies...we need to go out there and starting hurting people!"

The kicker was that the highlight of the billboard was for their ER. And the strategy was to post their current wait time in the ER. I guess this is helpful if you're driving and you just happen to be in the market for a good ER. But on the whole, if you have an emergency, I don't think you're gonna be sifting through the yellow pages trying to find the shortest wait time. I don't know anyone who at any point in their lifetime has "shopped around" for a good ER.
"Hey listen, my kids head is bleeding profusely...I'm wondering if maybe you could recommend a good ER that I could take her to? Which one? Oh St. Lukes?......ehhhhh, kinda don't like their snack options in the vending machine, what else you got?"

NBA Playoffs

It gotta say, when Michael Jordan left the league back in the day, my interest in the NBA dropped significantly. I love the game, probably more than any other sport, but this playoff season is the first that I've made it a point to tune into in a very long time.

Kobe stepped it up in last night's Laker game, he has an innate ability, similar to Jordan, to take over a game when it's on the line. We'll see what Denver can offer them at the Staples center on Thursday.

But let's talk about Lebron James for a moment. GROWN-ASS MAN is all I can say. He is undoubtedly the most exciting player to watch in the NBA and brings an accelerated athleticism to the game that I personally haven't seen since Jordan. He is a fully developed adult of the male species. The Cavaliers have been kinda floating through their playoff games with relative ease compared to their colleagues, and it has largely been due to the fact that Lebron is a full-grown man out there. There's no question he can rent a car whenever he wants, and he's not even 25 yet.

It's my opinion that he could score just about every time he has the ball, or at least end up at the free throw line. He's not a selfish player, however, and thus we see him dish the ball just as much as he dunks it. But his athleticism is absolutely through the roof. It angers me just watching him. He plays 4 nights a week and can leap through the ceiling and still go to a dance club later that night and nail at least a couple of girls. And what do I do after a game? I play three on three for an hour and am home icing my shins and feet, complaining that I should have called a "jump ball" even though what really happened was that my opponent just took the ball from me.....straight out of my little girl's grip!

Lebron James and any other athlete that's 'better than me can go straight to hell.

Okay I realize that blog entry took a turn to negative town, but as I was writing I got frustrated.

Bloopers

Found this in the NY Times sports section today.......a fun little article taking us back to some of the greatest (and frankly funniest) base running errors we've ever seen in baseball.
My personal favorite being the guy who got picked off at first, ending game 2 of the '74 series. The only thing that would have made it funnier was if it was game 7.

You Haven't Seen That?

I'm a pop culture guru and a pretty big movie buff with a ridiculous encyclopedic memory for details that most people don't pick up on or don't bother to find out about. Why? Because they shouldn't, it's useless knowledge. And I'm not talking about Kelly McGillis' next big role after she filmed Top Gun kinda knowledge (it was 1987's Witness by the way, opposite Harrison Ford). I'm talking about being able to spot a young Nicholas Cage (then known as Nicholas Coppola) in 1982's Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He had no lines, a couple brief cameos, one of which was flippin' burgers at the fictitious "All American Burger".

These are items of knowledge that I don't expect everyone to know, hardly anyone really. But what does a guy like me do when he's dating someone for 8 months and he finds out that his girlfriend hasn't seen Back to the Future? Is that grounds for a break-up? I think it's pretty close....the aforementioned Top Gun being an equally offensive "not-seen". Part of it is my fault for not being up front with her right away about my deal-breakers.

My girlfriend is an absolute treasure, but when I found out that Back the Future had somehow missed her radar, I about lost it. Of course it followed as no surprise that Teen Wolf, a true classic, had also not made the roster of FRIGGIN' AWESOME MOVIES THAT EVERYONE SHOULD SEE. Now both of these problems have been rectified and we're doing much better in our relationship because of it. She just sat down, by herself mind you, and watched the Back the Future Trilogy without stopping. I was so proud of her, but still wanted to wag the finger like "what took you so long?" I was also proud of her for sitting through Predator with me when we were dating early on...that one scored huge points with me because it epitomizes a "guy's movie". Now if I can just get her to tackle Roadhouse and maybe one of the Porky's flicks, I'll marry her tomorrow. In an attempt to play fair and broaden my own cinematic horizons, I played the good boyfriend and sat through Thoroughly Modern Millie and The Devil Wears Prada....everyone makes mistakes.

All I'm saying really is that I have a mild problem when I find out that someone has not seen a movie like Back to the Future or The Breakfast Club (or anything John Hughes directed). I can handle it if you don't know that Under Seige 2 took place on a train instead of a battleship. I can muster the energy to still sit at the bar with you even though you didn't catch Ace Ventura. Even still, I can allow ignorance when it comes to Alyssa Milano's very young role in Commando (way before she went vampy in Poison Ivy 2).

But if movies like Swingers, Teen Wolf, Caddyshack, or Uncle Buck have missed your radar.......then let's sit down and hash this out for the sake of our relationship.

Seriously?

For now I just want to point out that this was apparently newsworthy......click here for the article.

The Battle of Puebla

Today is Cinco De Mayo and I know I'm not the only one who has thought to blog about this mysterious and historically misunderstood holiday. I think it's probably close to common knowledge by now that Cinco De Mayo, despite its affect on 20-something urban Americans, is NOT Mexico's independence day.

That day would be Sept. 16th which is when it is celebrated in Mexico. This is a good thing because it means that Mexico knows when its own independence day is. The Cinco De Mayo holiday commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely defeat of French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862

I kinda like the fact that they are content letting their misinformed northern neighbors go on celebrating the wrong holiday; as if to say, "yeah keep celebrating you stupid gringos...you got the day wrong but thanks for paying attention and caring about our country's history. Just for that, we're gonna laugh at you being wrong, shake our heads, and not say anything."

In Mexico, May 5th, though significant in Mexico's history as a day when they whooped some French ass, is a rather arbitrary day when it comes to celebrating however. According to Wikipedia, the most trusted name in the world of information, Cinco De Mayo has a very limited significance in Mexico. Now if it were the U.S. that was outnumbered against the French and we came back and dominated, you can almost guarantee that we would have the day off......perhaps even a 4 day weekend kinda holiday.....you know, because we hate the French.

The real people who feel independent on Cinco De Mayo, are the young white people who go out and get plastered on margheritas until they think they're Mexican. Next time you're out on Cinco De Mayo, take a look around and tell me if you see any Mexicans "going big" on several pitchers of Dos Equis Amber. If you live in NYC like me, you're likely to just see 5 girls straight out of college deciding "should I get the strawberry, or should I get mango".....and they will all be white chicks.

I guess I'm just too cool for school or something. I have some latant inclination to not celebrate things that neither I nor my heritage had nothing to do with. I've done nothing historically significant and nor has anyone in my family. The fact that I'm an ethnic mut means that I have nothing to really cling on to. I might as well get absolutely pasted on bastille day or flag day! Don't misunderstand me, you might very well catch me drinking Guiness on St. Patrick's day, or even throwing back a few dozen Corona's on Cinco De Mayo.......but I'm not really celebrating that, I'm just celebrating "thursday". Because that's the life and heritage I've been dealt.

So be it though, don't let that stop you from celebrating any holiday with which you have no connection. Happy Battle of Puebla day!

A Face Tattoo

This is definitely worth writing a little something about as it was my first time seeing this. I've always heard about this either secondarily or just conceptually but now I actually have witnessed the phenomenon and have experienced the glory--the glory of a face tattoo.

Now I know perhaps Mike Tyson's decision was just less than sound, but I got on the subway last night and this dude walks in with a FULL face tattoo.......forehead, ocular regions, nose, lips, cheeks and chin all had ink on them. The first thing that came to my mind was, "So you're saying then.....that you don't have a job interview tomorrow?"

I found myself angered at his decision. Not sure why...it's his face, but I think maybe the fact that he was forcing it on everyone and making me feel uncomfortable just to look in his direction, like he would jump down my throat and say "What the hell are you looking at?
"Well....your face tattoo actually."

He had his girlfriend with him and that just made me think, "Pal, you better enjoy her and treat her right cuz if she breaks up with you (which she should) the odds of you 'getting yourself out there' are slim to none."

Clearly if you do that to your face, you are purposely making a statement. So why not just tattoo the actual message you're trying to send on your face? Why not just have it say, "I don't get along with my dad." or...."Too many lunches alone in high school". I really cannot fathom what someone must have gone through in life to make that kind of decision.

Shouldn't it be illegal? Think about it, if a cop pulls you over and asked for i.d., how are they going to recognize you with a full tattoo covering up your face? Unfortunately I don't think the police can simply hand out tickets for poor decisions otherwise problem solved. Unless of course he had that face tattoo at the DMV when when he got his license issued and had the picture taken.

Either way I think witnessing this is a powerful lesson for everyone.........hug your children!

Show Tonight....

What to do when you have a performance but are feeling ill? My voice feels like doo doo and yet I have to sing for about 2 1/2 hours tonight. I hope I can do justice to the 80's music I'm forced to sing.

What would Steve Perry of Journey think if he heard my voice crack trying to sing one of his splendid melodies. Well, I think he would laugh at me either way for even attempting to replicate what only he can do.

Eddie Money on the other hand would probably be proud considering these days he sounds like Janis Joplin with bronchitis.

But I'm gonna suck it up and get the show on the road.

This post sucked.

Working Out

It's amazing the kind of excuses I'll come up with for not exercising. Even as I walk to the gym it still permeates throughout my mind. Just yesterday in fact, I got the to the door of the gym and almost walked away, now understand that I made the effort to go all the way down there, subway ride and all, only to get at the door and almost cop out of my work out because I thought throwing in a load of whites would be the better way to spend my time.

But I sucked it up and went inside. "I'm gonna do some cardio," I thought to myself. And then I realize I don't have my ipod to listen to tunes while I breath heavily and go nowhere on an "arc trainer". But I figure whatever, just have to go without. So I get on the arc trainer and start punching in my time, weight, workout type etc....and then I pause. I just stood there and paused for about 12 seconds, looked down and then guess what happened?

I bailed. I just said "screw this! I don't want to do this today...not feelin' it. And I grabbed my bag and walked away. I had two people, one on each side of me, wondering what the hell they just witnessed--ME GIVING UP. I was in and out of the gym with no workout in what was probably 4-6 minutes. Has anyone ever gone to the gym to NOT workout? Cuz I just did it yesterday. Apparently I just wanted to pop in, swipe my access card and then turn around and walk out just for kicks. It was really sweet to see the front desk person's expression on her face after she just saw me walk in 4 minutes earlier.

"Remember me, I just swiped my card a few minutes ago. Yeah, just wanted to check the towel supply and weigh myself apparently."

"Hey, how you doin' today? You mind if I just stare at one of the treadmills for a few minutes? I'll be in and out, won't bother anybody."

Walking home I realized how mentally weak I am not to commit myself to a 25 minute mild workout without headphones. Even as I write this I'm thinking about how much I do not want to make up for it today by going back there. Part of me is really wishing there will be some pickup basketball games in the gym so that I don't have to hop on that damn arc trainer and pretend that I like it. Who wants to stay in one place and sweat? Whoever invented the stationary cardio machine is both genius and a real dumbass at the same time.

So if you're ever feeling bad that you can wuss out on a workout too easily, just look me up online and see the face of a man who literally walked in the gym, stared at a treadmill like Rainman counting toothpicks, and walked out shamefully with people staring at him thinking "nice willpower dude...you should climb back up the tree with all the other sloths."

The UFC and Their Fighters....Part II

The show is just filled with jackasses and idiots who have the most sophomoric and barbaric sense of how to conduct oneself around other human beings...even if they're martial arts fighters. And here's the thing, I can see if you were going for funny and the joke just kinda fell flat. But it's not even slighty humorous, it's just amazingly stupid all over the place. It's gone waaaaaay past some kind of blue collar mentality; we're talking about 12-14 dudes that literally can't do long division!

And here's the thing....even if I'm wrong, and I'm not....but even if I am and these guys are upstanding citizens, then all one needs do is turn the blame to the producers of this show who are clearly making them pull these shenanigans. Here I will come to the fighters' defense. You'd have to be just as big of an idiot as these fighters to not see that much of the show content is staged and partially scripted by TV producers that are trying to get ratings. I guarantee you the producers are encouraging a character like Junie Browning to act up and make it "interesting". What would really be interesting is if someone hog-tied that idiot, dragged him to his knees, put a shot gun in his mouth and blew the back of his head out. I guess the real question is, would he notice?

But I digress. Dana White is the president of the UFC and the executive producer of The Ultimate Fighter. No doubt a shrewd and tough business man, but this man is also an incredible tool at the end of the day. He knows how to run his organization, but I think the overall mentality we see in the UFC is merely a reflection of Mr. White setting the bar fairly low himself. The man can't answer a question or do a 30 second interview with dropping f-bombs all over the place. I myself don't have the most flowery language on a daily basis, but I know when to clean it up and I would think an accomplished tycoon like Dana White would know this as well. Apparently not. It's no wonder the meat-head toolbox mentality runs rampant amongst the athletes...their president is one of them.

The sad irony here is that Mr. White is constantly finding himself in defense of the sport and its participants and for good reason--the people involved are not people you want to hang out with. I'm not talking about judging a book by it's cover, I'm talking about people who can't even read the cover! I'm talking about people that can't spell "cover". And my response to Dana White's incessant plea to be taken seriously by mainstream sports culture is simply, "What do you expect when you cultivate a such negative and elementary aura surrounding the sport?

Exactly what kind of reaction do you expect from established journalists, politicians, city officials, and even fans when a guy is allowed to throw an empty pint glass at another man and is rewarded for it by giving him another chance....and another and another? When you show guys urinating on another man's watermelon and then seeing that oblvious man take a huge bite....did you think that kind of garbage is going to capture the respect and legitimacy you're seeking on a national if not worldwide level?"

The UFC is huge already, huge! Many many fans such as myself watch it regularly and even pay to watch it. But this president wants to get even more attention and grow this sport even larger; which is fine. But Mr. White, your talent for doing so is at an absolute end until you shake your gym-rat jock-tool mindset and start thinking about the way you're shaping the culture in your own organization. Male viewers are your target, yes. So I can understand a little shallowness and hijinks from time to time....that's part of entertainment and even I can appreciate some potty humor from time to time (if it's smart). But enjoy your cultural ceiling if that's all you are capable of producing from the majority of your fighters. There will never be a cap on athleticism and the spirit of competition, the UFC has demonstrated this ten-fold. But there is always a cap on tolerance f0r poor character and a "thug-ish", idiotic mentality and, unfortunately, this too has been equally demonstrated. Maybe the UFC should team up with the Hip-Hop industry and they can all go take the SAT together?

The UFC and Their Fighters....Part I

Last night the 4th episode aired of the hit reality show The Ultimate Fighter on SpikeTV. I have to say this show is going down-hill very fast and has gone from positively entertaining to simply insulting for anyone who graduated high school (depending on the high school). Mind you I got hooked on watching UFC fights a number of years ago through the conduit of this reality show. It's literally the only reality show I've allowed my brain to melt on over the years. But no more.

Let me first say that I'm a fan of the UFC--big time. I like the sport for what it is, I like the action, I admire the competitors and the things they can do with their bodies, and I simply find it highly entertaining. This wasn't always the case, however. Back in the early 90's when it first rose to recognition, I thought it was appalling and it was.....nothing but bar brawlers and thugs in a cage. Put plainly, it was human cock-fighting. However, over the last ten years or so it has certainly become a sport with some of the most intricate and consequential strategy involved and it's been a really nice evolution to notice and be a part of as a fan.

But as I've continued to watch the show The Ultimate Fighter, I've gotten to see the culture and mindset of these fighters at a much closer range. I must say I'm growing increasingly unimpressed. Being a tremendous athlete is a great thing....not being able to read aloud as an adult?....not so great. Imbecile is the most encompassing word I can think of to describe most of these fighters. There are certainly intelligent men fighting in the UFC, some with college degrees and even a few with graduate degrees. But unfortunately these terrific ambassadors are the minority and they have to stand side by side (and toe to toe) with these other cretins that respresent the sport.

I think one would have to formulate an exceptional argument to counter the claim that something must have gone wrong in his childhood for a man to want to be a UFC fighter. For if competition was the only thing driving these men, surely they would have picked another sport? I watch these guys and I can tell right away that daddy didn't give out enough hugs and neither did mom. There was clearly no playing catch or going to the zoo or even watching television as a family. I mean, how do you explain the watching of a great show like Family Ties and then going out and beating people up? Granted, there was an episode where Alex disrespected his family upon moving to NYC, caused a little anger even in me as a 10 yr old, but they settled it, he apologized and it was a great season finale!

No sir, these fighters generally come from really screwed up households and upbringings that have led to a leniency towards violence. Most of them grew up fighting in their neighborhoods and just generally being thugs with clearly no parental authority teaching them respect, patience, self-sacrifice, or humility. For most (not all) of these men, the innate human need to feel worthy of attention and respect has found its vehicle in violence; and by no fault of their own.

How hard is it to avoid a fist-fight really? I mean, I don't consider myself a tough guy by any means, I've had a couple fights in my life, but I can honestly say that all of them could have been avoided if I wasn't so prideful or had simply used better judgement at the time. My fight count should be zero. But nor do I consider myself a wuss when it comes to standing up for myself. I live in the Big Apple where people are pissing me off on a daily if not hourly basis. I've been absolutely enraged by some of the things I've seen and experienced...but not once has it come to blows.

Fortunately many of these men, once engulfed in the sport, have turned their attitudes around and have found an outlet for this anger through the sport of mixed martial arts. But it really is a shame that it took cage fighting to actually calm them down in normal society! I'll give credit here where credit is due, but I still contend that even this positive strain of the fighting culture is overshadowed by what we see on a show like The Ultimate Fighter.

to be continued....

More Economy Stuff.....

I really don't want to spend my blog time writing about stuff that every columnist is writing about...such as this hellish economic crisis we're in. But I'm just gonna chime in briefly about a commercial I saw endorsing Michael Bloomberg's plan for New York City.

I'll admit I tune out a bit when it comes to political advertisements, and by "tune out" I mean I go stick my head in the broiler until it's over, but I did catch something toward the end of this commercial which just illustrates once more (not that we need further evidence) how absolutely full of crap politicians are. Towards the end they put some text up and along with narration, it stated "....will create or save 400,000 jobs!"

This was fascinating to me and so I immediately stopped to ponder the statement I just heard....
And in conclusion I established the following critical thought........Wait, you mean to tell me that this economic plan will either save or create 400,000 jobs?
Let me make sure I understand this effect.....your plan will either create 400,000 jobs, or it will do fucking nothing!! So what you're saying is that either "x" number of jobs will be created, or your plan will have no affect whatsoever.

Man that is solid! Thank you Bloomberg. Glad you're not creating a plan that will lose 400,000 jobs. That's like saying, "hey, here's what I'm thinking, either we meet up tonight for a bite to eat....or we just eat seperately."

Why even mention eating separately as an option? If you don't meet up for a bite, if follows logically that you will eat separately...so just don't mention the neutral effect, no one gives a damn about that.

Domino's

I read an interesting article today about the fate of Domino's Pizza. Apparently a couple of nefarious employees thought it would be fun to pull some hygencially questionable shenanigans in the kitchen while preparing some food for delivery. But........they also decided to video tape it. Read the article:


Pranks show how clever or immature you might be. Filming the prank shows how creative or bored you might be. But posting a video of you violating health standards at your work place just shows a level of stupidity that illustrates why you are working at Domino's.

This of course begs the question, "does Domino's even have a health standard?" Does anyone even eat Domino's pizza unless it's 2am and you're trashed out of your mind? The 24-hr delivery policy alone simply barks the statement "Is the room spinning? Give us a call!" "Are you vearing off the road? Give us a call if you make it home!"

No offense to anyone who eats at Domino's, sometimes that's all you can do. Living in New York, I tend to fall back on a consistent alternative option called ANY OTHER PIZZA THAT'S AVAILABLE. Residing in NYC does make it hard to justify ordering Domino's when there's so many mom and pop pizza joints just around the corner. But I digress.

This story was about two very dumb people who were obviously bored at work. A recent Domino's spokesman had this to say about the tragedy, “Even people who’ve been with us as loyal customers for 10, 15, 20 years, people are second-guessing their relationship with Domino’s, and that’s not fair.” Again I ask, does one really need 10 years to second guess their relationship with Domino's? I just need til the following morning, or pretty much right after my last slice. It's amazing to me that when these things happen some spokesman or GM is shocked and appauled. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that these employees (or any fast food employees) were not recruited at a job fair at Princeton. I myself have been fired from a fast food chain for some unfortunate instances. However, my firing was over something much more mature and honorable.......my drawer came up short $25. I was asked to turn in my drive thru headset--a sad memory to this day--and leave the premises.

I think this is a lesson to all fast food workers.....STAY IN SCHOOL.