Babies

I want to start off my thoughts by saying that as a general rule, I'm a fan of children. But why is it that whenever there's a baby in the room people feel the need to relate to the tiny human somehow? We gather around him or even wait our turn to hold him or play with him. There seems to be this incessant need to score points with the child even though it can't even rationalize what's happening around him.

It could be that people feel a need to show off their baby skills to other adults. I can say with honesty that I am guilty of this. I'm a 30-yr old single man, and if there's other single women in the room and a baby as well, I'm prone to show off how sensitive and nurturing I can be with a baby in the hopes that this will cause a strong desire in one of these women to one day perhaps make a baby with me. Course, if it starts crying and I start to get flustered, I'll either hand if off, or if no one is looking, I'll just leave the baby on the kitchen floor if it comes down to it. But what I'm saying is that most of us have this inclination to over-exert energy on a baby that isn't ours.

Where my interest in this endeavor stops is when I feel like I have to compete for time with the baby or try to show someone else up with my baby skills. I will not compete for time with the child nor do I have much tolerance for someone who is hogging the baby in what is usually an attempt to "show off". After all, really new babies are not that interesting so when you're spending more than 2 minutes with a newborn that's not yours, you're just putting on a facade. If the baby is being inundated with attention from 1 or 2 specific persons, I'll simply bail on the situation and pay no heed to this spoiled child. I'll just grab another beer and keep driving.

But what's most interesting however is when strangers want to talk or ask about your baby. "Ohhh, he's so cute, how old is he? Is momma taking you for a stroll today? You look so cute in your little pj's....yes you do!"

And you're like, "okay, can we end this charade please, I don't know you and I got shit to do, I'd like to get on with my day."

The stranger means well of course, but for the most part, that's merely 4 minutes of your time that you're not gonna get back. You're gonna part ways with this person and never see them again, so my take on this kind of interaction is...let's just not even do it. You see a baby, he's cute, he's cuddly, great...now keep it to yourself. When you're up all night nursing him and wiping his explosive behind, then you've earned some time to share your sentiments. Not until then.

Even worse is something that I often see here in New York on the streets and subways; which is REALLY strange looking people (often homeless people) that try to flirt with someone else's baby and its mother. I think if you're missing a shoe and haven't bathed in a week, you absolutely forfeit your right to talk to a baby or her momma. There's something non-intuitive about missing some important teeth and yet still trying to connect socially with a mom and her baby. Indeed, there's a certain physical appearance that you have to keep up if you want to approach a baby, and I"m sorry, but if your left foot is swollen 5 times it's normal size to the point where your tearing your own shoe and you're wearing Frankenstein's blazer....no deal!

"Oh...it's a little baby....hello little baby....and how are we doing today mom?"

"Not good......could you never talk to me again please? See, I'm a mother with a baby which makes me very defensive generally, and when you approach me with cheddar sauce on your beard and a Ralph Lauren cologne called "My Ass", it kinda throws me into panic mode. So if I could just get you to go away and mix in a shower, that'd be swell."

This is never said aloud, but is rattling around in the mother's 'head for sure. I think it's not asking much for everyone to just lay off the baby attention a little bit. I know they're super cute and there's something virtuous about their tenderness and innocence--all good things. I'm simply saying that if the kid's not yours, let's not overdue it and assume roles that don't belong to you.