REAL ESTATE BROKERS

It's been so long since I've had any kind of "normal" existence outside the city of New York, so I can't say that this post is going to be universally relatable. However, when one begins the process of hunting for an apartment in NYC, it's basically the beginning of a stress-inducing endeavor that often brings disappointment and occasionally ill-will towards the jackasses that show you the units for rent.

Anyone in NYC knows who I'm talking about--the slick (often literally from their guido hair products), fast-talking, pushy, inconsiderate salesman called "brokers". Before I rant, here's a question. Must the word "broker" and "shady douche" be synonomous? Why should this be? There's no necessary connection really. But I've find that there's often very little exception to this association. I hear the word broker and I immediately cringe at the thought of dealing with that person. Anyway, something to think about.

But real estate brokers in general are extremely difficult to deal with and navigate socially. Here's a scenario that happened to me recently: I found an ad for an apartment, the pics looked good and they had a neighborhood shot of a park supposedly right across from the apartment building, which I knew was in "Harlem/Morningside" somewhere. But that's all I knew. There are some parts of Harlem that are quite developed and pleasant, and other parts that look like they should be in an Eddie Murphy movie from the 80's. That means shitty, by the way.

So I responded to the ad and asked for the cross streets so that I could get an idea of the exact location. That's it, that's all the information I wanted at this point in order to move forward or not. The guy emails me back and says, "Brett, what's your mobile number? I'd rather chat on the phone and give you details that way"
What??????? This is the b.s. I'm talking about. I want ONE single piece of information and you want to do a phoner? I'd like to point out two things here.

1. The actual cross streets would have taken you far less time to type than your stupid "let's have a phone converstation....I'm a desperate broker" reply.

and

2. The cross streets are the very thing that will determine whether I want to talk to your presumptious ass!! Just answer the friggin question and let's get on with it.

Sooooo...I replied to his email with "the cross streets are all I'm interested in at this point, no need to take up your time if the area is not a match".

He then replies, "Mobile number?"

Are you kidding me? Now he wants to email-argue with me? A complete stranger is email-fighting with me over how we're gonna communicate. Naturally the right response here is to delete the exchange and put this guy out my mind. He's not someone I want to deal with if he can't answer a simple question. All that did was tell me that the area is probably a great place for a rape.

Granted, he's trying to make a sale, I can appreciate that. But why wouldn't he just tell me the cross streets? I don't need to be high pressured to hand out my cell number so that he can pursue me. I'm the one looking for an apartment, it's my living situation in question....I WILL CALL YOU when I'm damn well ready. I will ask the questions, just answer. THIS right here is the frustrating part of dealing with these guys. They want to control the conversation, control you, and act like you're already in the door (in all fairness, this is what all salesman do really). "Bring your credit score and proof of income", they say. How bout I make sure that this apartment isn't a total sty-hole first, THEN we'll talk about my credit score.

It is movers and shakers in this city, that's no doubt. So I understand the necessity to think and act fast when you see an apartment you like. But again, that's assuming you LIKE it. To assume that I want your no-closet, no-outlet, awkward kitchen space, hole-in-the-wall crappy apartment is just annoying. Answer the questions honestly, tell me the truth, and we'll go from there. Fair enough?