REAL ESTATE BROKERS

It's been so long since I've had any kind of "normal" existence outside the city of New York, so I can't say that this post is going to be universally relatable. However, when one begins the process of hunting for an apartment in NYC, it's basically the beginning of a stress-inducing endeavor that often brings disappointment and occasionally ill-will towards the jackasses that show you the units for rent.

Anyone in NYC knows who I'm talking about--the slick (often literally from their guido hair products), fast-talking, pushy, inconsiderate salesman called "brokers". Before I rant, here's a question. Must the word "broker" and "shady douche" be synonomous? Why should this be? There's no necessary connection really. But I've find that there's often very little exception to this association. I hear the word broker and I immediately cringe at the thought of dealing with that person. Anyway, something to think about.

But real estate brokers in general are extremely difficult to deal with and navigate socially. Here's a scenario that happened to me recently: I found an ad for an apartment, the pics looked good and they had a neighborhood shot of a park supposedly right across from the apartment building, which I knew was in "Harlem/Morningside" somewhere. But that's all I knew. There are some parts of Harlem that are quite developed and pleasant, and other parts that look like they should be in an Eddie Murphy movie from the 80's. That means shitty, by the way.

So I responded to the ad and asked for the cross streets so that I could get an idea of the exact location. That's it, that's all the information I wanted at this point in order to move forward or not. The guy emails me back and says, "Brett, what's your mobile number? I'd rather chat on the phone and give you details that way"
What??????? This is the b.s. I'm talking about. I want ONE single piece of information and you want to do a phoner? I'd like to point out two things here.

1. The actual cross streets would have taken you far less time to type than your stupid "let's have a phone converstation....I'm a desperate broker" reply.

and

2. The cross streets are the very thing that will determine whether I want to talk to your presumptious ass!! Just answer the friggin question and let's get on with it.

Sooooo...I replied to his email with "the cross streets are all I'm interested in at this point, no need to take up your time if the area is not a match".

He then replies, "Mobile number?"

Are you kidding me? Now he wants to email-argue with me? A complete stranger is email-fighting with me over how we're gonna communicate. Naturally the right response here is to delete the exchange and put this guy out my mind. He's not someone I want to deal with if he can't answer a simple question. All that did was tell me that the area is probably a great place for a rape.

Granted, he's trying to make a sale, I can appreciate that. But why wouldn't he just tell me the cross streets? I don't need to be high pressured to hand out my cell number so that he can pursue me. I'm the one looking for an apartment, it's my living situation in question....I WILL CALL YOU when I'm damn well ready. I will ask the questions, just answer. THIS right here is the frustrating part of dealing with these guys. They want to control the conversation, control you, and act like you're already in the door (in all fairness, this is what all salesman do really). "Bring your credit score and proof of income", they say. How bout I make sure that this apartment isn't a total sty-hole first, THEN we'll talk about my credit score.

It is movers and shakers in this city, that's no doubt. So I understand the necessity to think and act fast when you see an apartment you like. But again, that's assuming you LIKE it. To assume that I want your no-closet, no-outlet, awkward kitchen space, hole-in-the-wall crappy apartment is just annoying. Answer the questions honestly, tell me the truth, and we'll go from there. Fair enough?

DIETING AND EXERCISE

This is not gonna be one of my more entertaining posts....and what a great way to start a new post, right? I'm trying to drop a few pounds, 15 to be exact. It's not exactly an insurmountable task, not terribly daunting as a goal.

I've heard people boast that they lost 10 lbs in a week doing "such and such" diet. Of course, they always gain it back immediately after the diet because those kinds of experiments only shed water and muscle, not actual fat. I learned recently that a pound of fat is 3,500 calories. So basically if you shed 500 calories a day from your diet, you will lose 1 lb of fat per week.

Now I'm pretty sure that in the last two months that I've been applying myself, I have done this. I think I've consistently knocked off 500 calories out of my diet. It's not that hard. One less portion of this...3 less bites of that, "no, I really don't need a candy bar right now", no soda etc. It all adds up and will make a difference on the calorie counter.

Problem is, I'm really not seeing too much of a result in the ole mid section. I was never truly "fat", but I'm not svelt either right now. Luckily I have fairly large muscles generally so I "wear it well" you might say. However, I'm not seeing the progress and results that I had hope to after consistent exercise and calorie-counting. My stomach is flatter, to be sure. My abs are starting to show a bit finally and every once in a while depending on the angle (and lighting), I'll catch a new glimpse of definition in my shoulders and arms. So it's happening. But it is happening SLOWLY.

They say 1 lb a week is about where you want to be in terms of true weight loss. Absolutely no more than 2 lbs a week to stay on the safe side. Got a ways to go. But recently I snagged a 3 day guest pass to a really nice fitness facility through a friend who took me in to a class they have there called "whipped". Now I've consistently been doing 30 minutes of fairly rigorous elliptical, followed by weight training of a speedy pace (so that my heart rate stays up). Seems like a good regiment, right? Well....

This WHIPPED class really put things in perspective for me. It's a circuit training class, 45 minutes of station to station calisthenic exercise, with hardly any break. In short, I was cramping up during the warm up. It was so intense and rigorous, it made me depressed at the attempts I've made thus far to "get in a good workout". 45 minutes non-stop cardio, core, and calisthenics....all driven by motivation not to appear like your giving up in front of the other class members.

My upper torso got through it okay. One thing I don't work however, is legs. Well, I did in this class. My ass muscles and quads were ridiculous the next day. I dropped a fork and it took me 34 minutes to pick it up, coupled with all sorts of old-man sighs along the way. My gym sucks, they offer no classes, so unfortunately for me I'm gonna have to go back to my regiment and just make sure that I'm pushing myself and getting the most out of what I can do there. But it really made me realize how much actual work needs to be done just to burn a measily 400 calories. The class probably burned 800 in the 45 minute time frame, which is a STELLAR workout for how long you're in there.

So the lesson learned here is......however hard you think you're working, you're probably not doing as much as you think.

And now the great debate for me when I get off work is this.......nap, or gym? A decision I have to make on 4 hours sleep last night.

DOUCHEY CONCERT GO-ERS

I recently went to a concert with my fiancee and another couple. I won't disclose who I went to see. Ok, I saw Heart. They were absolutely terrific and I enjoyed myself immensely. However, any time many human beings assemble at a concert, there's going to be some douche bags in the mix who don't know how to act. I honestly would love to find another word for the type of person I'm about to describe, but "douche bag" really has taken on a legitamized alternative meaning other than its feminine hygene association.

I opted not to buy the expensive tix for this show....after all, it's Heart. Thus I decided to get some cheaper tix which were standing room only on the floor. Hammerstein ballroom is a lovely venue and there's really not a bad seat in the house. I was perfectly content to stand for 2 hours to hear this wonderful band. But, of course, I knew going into it that there would be "THAT guy" (mutliple "THAT guys" actually). And if you've been to a standing room only show, you probably can guess who I'm referring to.

It's the guy who doesn't respect the unspoken rule of standing room only shows. Don't push people out of the way so that your beer-gut body and fat-ass girlfriend can make their way closer to the stage! And it's always the same type of guy, some guido-lookin jack-off with a heinous chick on his arm trying to show how cool and assertive he is by shoving his way to the closer spaces (as if there are any).

Sure enough I saw it a few times at this show. It's hard to know what to do in this situation though. It's noisy first of all, so saying something to the guy isn't always heard. Even if he does hear you, he obviously doesn't care because his behavior already demonstrates that his parents raised him to be a toolbox maggot piece of garbage. And even if he does hear you...will his blue-collar, unrefined, mouse-sized brain comprehend your message that he's being a pig-bastard lame ass? (how we doin' on hyphens by the way?) And even if he understands the message, you think a guy like that is gonna offer an apology and head back to where he came from?

Well, I was glad to see that some form of the latter scenario did actually happen. I was pleased to see it. He made his way a few "rows" up in front of me so he was technically out of my physical range and jurisdiction to be the one to say something. Plus I know myself, it wouldn't have gone well. Whether I would have gotten the better of the scuffle or not...I can't have on my social resume that I was kicked out of a Heart concert for fighting! Megadeth maybe.....but not Heart.

But a bunch of women certainly did speak up, along with another couple, and it wasn't long before he retreated back to to the cave from whence he came (along with his munchkin gal pal he was with).

I just hate the fact that people know that what they're doing is somewhere between super-douchey and "you should really end your life and get off the planet", and yet they still go through with it! We all paid good money to see a good show. Let's all come together and recognize the unspoken rules of concert-going. Here are a few that come to mind:

1. If you have standing room tix, don't be the ass that pushes and shoves his way to get closer and infringe on everyone else's physical space (especially when you're 6'4")

2. Smoke your weed but don't blow it straight out into the back of guys head in front of you, and respect the no-smoking rule when it comes to cigarettes.....no venue allows that crap in there anymore.

3. If you're gonna sing along.....dammit, be in key! No one paid to hear your squealing shower voice.

4. We all have the same amount of physical space allotted to us, let's respect the space of others and not sit like you're on the toilet with your knees 2 feet wide, okay Buford? And if you're 350 lbs, find the empty seat that has 2 empty seats on either side next to it so that you don't impose your lard on others.

5. Don't stand when everyone else is sitting. Know the show you're going to, Metallica? Cool to stand. Pink Floyd? Sit back and enjoy the visuals and sound.

6. If you're 25 and happen to enjoy Peter Frampton...cool? Don't get pasted and obnoxious and ruin it for the 65 yr olds who just want to enjoy the concert.

7. You're not a good dancer. I recorded it and can prove it. And no one else in the row behind you thinks your good either. Have a seat crazy lady!

8. You haven't seen Hall and Oates in a long time, you're a divorced woman and you're there with your other divorced woman friend and you guys think you still "got it". You don't. You've put on some lbs. Next time please dress accordingly.

9. You're at a live performance with 15,000 other people. What the hell are you doing on your phone? Please hang up now. We're all waiting to hear "Refugee", not a song called "this dickhead's conversation"

10. If you spill beer on someone...GENUINELY apologize. Don't mix in a half-ass barely-audible "sorry" and then keep rockin out like you committed no offense.

Sidenote: A wag of the finger to the concession workers who ask 60-yr olds for their i.d. I know the boss says "card everyone!", but have a little respect for your elders and reverence for their noticeble hair-loss. My dad (63) got carded at a show not long about and he about slapped the shit out of this kid for even asking. After all, he didn't even look old enough to serve alcohol?

Keep this in mind people. And everyone gets to enjoy the show!

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OUTSIDE.....

When a person is outside, there's a certain aura of freedom. No walls around us, open space, fresh air etc. And that can often make a person feel free to do certain things. But this feeling should be curtailed. After all there's many things we normally shouldn't do outside. Light candles, have a baby, curl up on the couch, masturbate etc. But I'm starting to think smoking should be added to the list.

I'm continuing to be impressed by the inconsideration of smokers. I personally am glad that we're headed toward a social environment where smoking is darn near obsolete (like Sega video games, or the band Sugar Ray), we're getting there and it's a really good thing.



But there still remains this individual that thinks that just because he's outside, there are no unspoken rules of courtesy that still apply. For instance...don't be the guy/gal who lights up RIGHT WHEN you get out of Grand Central terminal, there are still tons of people exiting and vying for space on the sidewalk. No one wants to come out of the stenchy subways only to smell your cigarette smoke right as they exit. You can't wait?



Another example would be when multiple people are eating around you. I watched this douche-nozzle take a seat on a bench in one of those little quad areas where professionals take their lunch break. Not a large area mind you, so the space was quite occupied with people eating their lunch and talking shop. This numb-nutz plops down right next to two women and their food and lights up...the girls were clearly down-wind, and thus they had to move. All because this guy just had to light up right there. There's no way he can go pick a spot on low-traffic sidewalk away from people, he totally needs a seat for his habit!



Another example would be the morning smoker on their way to work. NYC is a walkers city obviously, and these people need to throw in a grit as they walk to work. They then turn their head left or right to exhale. Awesome...yeah, nobody is coming up on your left or right on Lexington Avenue on a Tuesday at 8:45am or anything. Don't blow the smoke upward where it belongs, just turn to your left and assume that no one is right behind you to take in a huge second-hand breath of your poison. Stop being that guy!



Not to be too harsh though. I realize it's an addiction and some people just can't seem to quit no matter how good their intentions are. And if a person does have to smoke, outside is obviously the place to do it as a general rule. I'm simply stating that one ought to apply the same "do unto others..." that he would normally apply in social situations...or any situation for that matter.


After all, the rest of us aren't the one with the problem.

SUBLETTING

My current living and relationship status has me subletting throughout this sweltering summer in New York City. I'm just gonna throw it out there for the intellectually curious......if you ever want to question WHY you live in NYC, and your answer is because it's so great...then I humbly recommend you mix in a sublet situation and see if you still feel the same way.

As it stands, I'm currently paying $750 a month for the following ammenities:

shoddy internet,
an AC unit that pushes about as much cool air as a camel's anus,
a filthy kitchen,
an anti-social roommate,
one beach chair serving as a the only seat in the living room,
1/2 of a spatchula with which to cook,
a broken toilet that takes 45 seconds to flush everything (if you get it all on the first try),
and oh yes......BED BUGS!!

I have been particularly enjoying the latter experience. Of course, there are better situations out there, but I was in dire straits due to another unfortunate incident which put a huge damper on my plans (which was to live in a place with a 55 yr old Chinese man with broken English way out in Brooklyn).

Given that he pulled the plug on me at the last minute, and that I wanted to be closer to my fiance', I was hell bent on hustling for a room to rent for the summer in Astoria Queens.
So, in my desperation of foreseeable homelessness, I agreed to this room. It was furnished and was only gonna be for 3 months.

What is my point? My point is that I have a hard time justifying living in this city sometimes given what you get for what you spend. $750 a month is not chump change to me or any normal person. $750 would probably get you a tight one-bedroom apt all to yourself in Charleston South Carolina for all I know (which, I hear, is a nice little city to live in). But no. Apparently I'd rather spend $750 on bed bugs and a floor that screams "flip flops now!"

So why am I doing this? Because if I want to survive in this city and carry out my plans for the immediate future, I have to. It just chips away at my conscience (also another word for wallet) and reasonability to think about wasting money like that. All because I really didn't have a choice. Sure I could have paid less for a sublet, but I might have lived with 4 college dudes in an even dirtier place, perhaps with cockroaches large enough to bum a smoke off of me. In fact, all of the places I looked at for around $650-$700 were all styes. Not livable to anyone with decent standards.

I sincerely hope for my sake that when I've moved on and I look back on the NYC days, I'll think of it as the best thing I ever did and not the biggest waste of my assets.