"CAN YOU HOLD MY PLACE IN LINE....?"

I was at Starbucks recently and someone pulled a classic request with their own little selfish spin on it. This one I hadn't experienced before but it put me in kind of a weird spot. I get in line to order, and I'm the last one in line. This dude gets in line right behind me, so now he's the last person in line.

Within a literal fifteen seconds, he taps me on the shoulder and says, "hey man, would you mind holding my spot in line? I just gotta hit the mens room real quick, just if anyone comes, let them know that there's someone behind you?" He was nice enough in his tone of voice, but my knee jerk reaction was "Are you nuts?"

You want me to hold a spot in line that's behind me? You do realize that I only care about what's in front of me, right? The whole reason I'm in line is to get to that register with minimal obstacles, I don't need an assignment from you to hold your place in line BEHIND ME. First of all, I don't even have jurisdiction there! Everyone knows you only have power to hold the person's spot in front of you (if you so choose), but to ask someone to hold a place in line behind them?

How bout this? How bout you just don't get in line right now? How bout that? Clearly you're not ready, so just go do your thing and THEN get in line with the rest of the rational people in this place. In this case, he was the last person in line and he's asking me to hold his place as the last person in line.

What am I, an asshole? If someone comes in after this and gets in line, do you really think I'm gonna turn around to that person and go, "just so you know....you're not as close as you think. Believe it or not, I'm holding a spot for this douche who could be back any second, or he could be gone a while....we'll just have to wait and see, but either way, you're not behind me despite your physical presence there."

That sounds insane but that's what I would be forced to say if I agreed to the proposition. And you're probably asking, "well then, what did you tell him?" Basically I agreed to do it, knowing full well that I had no intention of lifting a proverbial finger if someone stepped in. Luckily (not that I really cared) I ended up getting to the register before he got back, so he lost his place entirely, and he should have.....he did a schmucky thing.

My Cubical Neighbor

If the guy 2 cubicles down from me gets up one more time for no reason other than to grab another soda and snack, he will have had 4,752 snacks/drinks and it's only 10am.



Just sayin'

AL GORE SEX SCANDAL

I'm reading up on this alleged sex scandal that has Al Gore in the spotlight. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm gonna guess it's not and my reasons are not for a lack of evidence; but rather....it's Al Gore!

I'm not saying the man is ugly, but he's hardly charismatic and charming when he speaks. If he did it at all, it might have been simply because Clinton did it back in the day and Gore probably knew about it, so he wanted to have his own fling. You only hope this "massage therapist" was hotter than Monica Lewinsky.

I just can't see the guy having an affair. How would he even entice a woman? And even if he did, would all the dirty talk be about how he invented the internet and how he should have won in 2000! Very arousing stuff.

Politicians are powerful people so I guess I wouldn't be entirely surprised if the affair was true. I'm just having a hard time picturing Al Gore naked with a woman; which, I guess, is a good thing. If that thought came to my mind easily and repetitively, I'd have to kill myself. I can however, easily picture him ironing a shirt in his boxers with a cigarette and asking his wife if he should put creases in the sleeves or not. And then spilling his coffee on his crotch.

That is the Al Gore in my head. Not a sex maniac.

Wedding Planning

I'm getting married in the Fall and my finacee' is in the process of teaching me everything I didn't know or deem rational about planning a wedding. She's winning. Apparently there's a ton of protocol and etiquette (let's just call them what they are....unsubstantiated rules), surrounding the wedding planning process and actual event.

Basically I'm learning that I'm a huge a tool when it comes to these things. I try and shimmy in my opinion or view on a given issue, but I might as well be talking directly to a Mr. Potato Head Doll telling it that it can't leave the house looking like that. My reasons and logic seem to fall on deaf ears. But I'm okay with it because it's "her day". And I truly do want the attention on my bride come ceremony time, she's the real prize here...I'm just an average-looking dude that got lucky, REALLY lucky.

However, every once in a while I feel the need to address the presuppostion that it's "her day". It's my day too, after all. Now I'm not saying that I want all eyes on me and that I should walk down the aisle to meet her at the alter (though that would be friggin' hysterical in my mind), I'm just sayin' let me shimmy in a request that's in my favor once in a while. Throw one my way every so often, is what I'm asking. My fiancee' is getting better at this but she still has a ways to go. The reason I know she has a ways to go is because she still thinks the Bee Gees aren't gonna be played during the reception party. Well, I have news for her......embrace the idea, cuz that shit is GONNA HAPPEN.

Now I'm not gonna cheeseball the whole reception by coming out to How Deep is Your Love for our first dance, that's silly and cliche. But Night Fever will be heard loud and clear once people are on the dance floor with a few (probably several) cocktails in them. And if I break out into a solo, I break out into a solo....circle it up and let it happen. There's only a few things that I'm hell bent on having or doing at my wedding, and that is merely one of them. Some form of red meat would be on the list as well (also happening).

Flowers, colors, location, time of the ceremony, china patterns and crystal stemware? Knock yourself out babe! But let me mix in some cheesy scallop potatoes on the menu and an Issac Hayes tune (preferably from the Hot Buttered Soul album).

I want her to be super happy and overjoyed with this important day. She's the beautiful one, she's the coveted prize, and I want all eyes on her and all attention going towards her on our wedding day. All I ask for is maybe a handshake, and an enthusiastic pat on the back when Hall and Oates hits your ears......cuz that was MY call.