Cancer Benefit

I recently performed at a highly successful benefit for the American Cancer Society and I'm happy to report that throughout the entire evening, nobody came down with cancer. It was held at a venue in Brooklyn, and I just couldn't help but be touched by the fact that although we live in a post-modern, liberal society with blurred morals...it was so refreshing to be in a room with that many people who are still anti-cancer. I'm not afraid to be a maverick and take some chances on stage. Cancer is wrong and I'm sayin' it!!

I called out that disease like I was Bill Maher calling out the republican party, only I used punchlines and was performing for an audience who could think. In this day and age, it's become perfectly acceptable to put just about anything or anyone in your body, and I for one would like to see cancer continue to stay off that growing list.


It was produced by a good friend of mine who was a cancer survivor (almost didn't make it) and is now a stern facilitator in the fight against this disease. I did a bit about haircuts and looked over at my now bald friend realizing, "hey, maybe a haircut joke isn't such a big hit at a cancer benefit." Nonetheless, the joke got laughs and was used in an appropriate context. It was a great experience and a fine way to donate my time and comedic talents to a worthy cause. I was honored to be a part of it.

Why Would I Do This Job?

If you've ever perused the online job sites in search of a compelling job that you might want to pursue, then you're probably well aware of the kinda thing I wish to point out--ridiculous job postings.

There's very few good jobs on the internet as it is, most of them offer boring mundane positions in sales or some kind of vague title that only that company has made up "communications analyst" etc. But if the main purpose of a job posting is to serve as an advertisement to attract interested candidates to fill the position, then I gotta wonder what some of these HR idiots are thinking. For instance, I never cease to be amazed at ads like this one:

Executive Assistant to VP North America & Europe / Office Manager

• Support VP, Sales Director and sales team of 10 people in day-to-day operation of the office, make all domestic and international travel arrangements for VP, order all office supplies and maintain office equipment, process vendor invoices and assist with mailings, prepare expenses and schedule meetings for VP, faxing, scanning, copying and other general duties, assist with processing employee expenses, assist with various projects as assigned, assist with coordination of company events
• 
  
• Thick skin, turn on a dime, great skills, dedicated, flexible, professional, intuitive
  
• - could have long hours…. Lots of Project Management, strong prioritization, patient!!!!!!
• Job is unorganized chaos – someone who needs structure will not be happy.

I took the liberty of highlighting certain sections to illustrate what I'm talking about. Obviously, this is for an Executive Assistant position supporting a big wig. The description is fine until we get to the 2nd bullet point. Take a look at how this is worded and presented. Would any rational person want to take this shitty job?? Let's break it down point for point how I (and any normally intuitive person) would interpret this:

* thick skin - So in other words, you're an asshole who thinks that throwing out a disclaimer that you're an asshole relieves you of any constrictions you would otherwise have to exercise in how you talk to and treat people. You've made it clear in saying this that you're a difficult person to work for...and you think admitting this right out of the gate makes it okay for you to continue to be a colossal prick. After reviewing the position, I'm gonna go ahead and NOT work for you. By the way, go fuck yourself.

* could have long hours - This is what it is...a legitimate disclaimer. However, is that something you really want to advertise? I could see "long hours" being enticing if the job posting was for a Caribbean scuba diver....but for an exec assistant position? Your not offering a dream job here, stupid.....this is a job that is spent doing all the mundane work that you don't have the time or willingness to do, you're advertising for a corporate butler for hell's sake. And that's totally fine, but how it's presented is basically a shortened way of stating "hey, why don't you stay til 8pm tonight and make sure we're all stocked up on sticky pads...that is....after you reply to all of my emails for me." Again, if this was fascinating and fulfilling work, that'd be one thing. But no assistant should be staying past 5:30pm; anywhere.

* patient!!!!!! - Right off the bat, we know that this person who is requiring patience from the candidate is not himself patient...we know this because they tacked on 6 exclamation points to the word. What this indicates is "hey I'm gonna do some things that are either not efficient or chaotic or I might have a garbage personality that makes people want to murder me......but I'm not gonna change those things about me and my work, instead, I'm just gonna ask you to be patient." Again, who would want to work for this person? Remember it's an Exec. Assistant position, so we probably are talking about one person that the candidate reports to--the Exec.

* Job is unorganized chaos - Translation: this gig is shitty and it sucks to work here....hardly anything runs smoothly and we're looking for someone who we can blame it all on because we/I can't seem to get it together.
Again, to the writer of this posting I have to ask...where is your head? Even if it is disorganized, wouldn't you wait to disclaim that further into the interview progress, if at all? No person wants to jump into a place where there's chaos. Why don't you just create the headline "Blame-Welcoming Moron Wanted to Take the Heat for a Shit Show!"

* will not be happy - Really? You don't say!

Now I realize the nature of being an administrative assistant, it's not glorious and there's no reason to paint it any more colorful than it is. But that's just it, everyone knows it's not glorious, so why add kerosene to the fire by adding to this intiutive understanding that not only is it not glorious, but it's truly gonna make you want to blow your head off just by being around the place/people.

I will soon be moving to Montana to work on farm and go fly fishing just so that I can get as far away from this kind of corporate world as possible. Thank you for reading....I have to go stock office supplies now.

Guys Hitting on Girls

Every once in a while I witness a guy trying to make his way into a woman's life via the "come on". Now I've never been good at this, I had a major dry spell from about age 19-22, and it wasn't until about 23 that I started coming into my own and having some measure of success attracting women. As I've gotten older, my stock is going up and it has become easier. However, never in all this time did I legitimately attempt to "pick up chicks".

My mentality was that I never knew what to say because I convinced myself that there WAS nothing to say; and let's face it, with a cold pick-up, there usually isn't. And thus I remain fascinated by guys who try this. For some time I was envious of dudes who could do it well, until I became mature and discerning enough to know that this type of guy is usually all shell and no substance; once he's conquered what he set out to conquer (you know...), there's not much left to envy about him.

But equally as fascinating and more humorous are the guys who try this before they have come in to their own (which takes a long time for most men). That is, those guys that are trying too hard because they haven't quite blossomed into an interesting person just yet. Case in point, my gorgeous girlfriend (who often is the victim of these incidents, not because she asks for it, she's just really attractive......it happens to all of us...I mean, them) was just recently hit on 3 times in one night on a single subway ride home.

I wasn't with her, but apparently there was a kid who couldn't have been more than 20 yrs old according to her, that asked her for directions, then parted ways, only to track her down on the subway and proceed to ask for her name and where she lived etc. Mind you there was very little conversation before these facts were solicited, so right away he's obliviously crossing the line asking for her name and location right out of the gate (like she's a cadet or some shit?)......this is a sure fire way to get a woman to leave the subway just to get away from your shady persona. You simply don't pull out "where do you live" when on the subway.

Sensing what's happening here, my girlfriend naturally plays the "I have a boyfriend" card. Did I mention she's 26 and this kid's in college still? Anyway, this was not enough for his naive ass to get the picture, so he asks how long she's had a boyfriend. Here is where my girlfriend should have got a little tougher and just told him "none of your business, fuck off little boy"; but she's too sweet for that so she obliged and then check this out......he asks if she's ready to have my children!! At this point my girlfriend should have slapped the shit out of him, but again, she's a doll. According to his theory, if after 11 months of courtship, you're not ready to have your boyfriend's children, then apparently he's not "the one". My girlfriend then got off the train at her stop wishing this wouldn't have happened; and feeling a little bit down on herself for not asserting her privacy and boundaries more sternly with this douche bag.

She told me this story and I couldn't help but shake my head in amusement at the level of stupidity most men (especially young men) have when approaching women. I might have been a late bloomer but at least my dating resume doesn't say DICKHEAD at the top of it. My heart goes out to you ladies, we're a shallow shallow breed sometimes.

Posters

How come the room poster is no longer relevant today? At what point did it become passe to have a poster on your wall of something cool that you liked? After all, isn't it still your room? Even if you're married, half the room is yours isn't it? So why not throw up a Ravishing Rick Rude poster just for old time sake?

It's a sad time when the poster as a species of art is dying. We've traded in classic images of real things and people for abstract nonsense of two scribbled lines down canvas entitled "two scribbled lines on canvas". Sadly the latter probably costs at least a few grand, meanwhile you could probably pick up a Shawn Kemp poster for $3.50.....or in someone's attic for free.

At any rate, I'm a man and thus collected man-posters.....mansters if you will? And now I'd like to take you dudes (and sisters of these dudes) down memory lane for a look at some classic images that really hit home for me and many many other guys.

On your left is exhibit A....a classic one for many young boys...the holy Ferrari Testarossa. If this wasn't on your wall at age 10, then you weren't dreaming big enough. If you're 60 years old, I'm not talking to you, obviously this glorious machine wasn't invented yet. But if you're like me (late 20's/early 30's), then this car has a very special place in your heart. Where it does not have a special place, is in your driveway. Cuz let's face it, if you have a poster of a Ferrari in your room, you probably don't have a Ferrari. Moving on..........

Exhibit B to your right is one of the most accomplished and progressive athletes in the history of human existence....Macho Man Randy Savage! An Ohio State alumni, this man brought more joy (and suplexes) to the hearts of more young boys than the entire G.I. Joe cast combined. He is a pioneer in the world of professional wrestling and just general kick-ass-ness. He is respected everywhere he goes and can I just say that I'd love to sit down, have a beer with him and talk shop....I may or may not snap into a slim jim.


Keeping the party going........to your left you'll see Exhibit C, another classic sports figure by the name of Michael Jordan. I could do probaby 20 entries on the amount of classic posters that this guy has out there, but I picked a portrait piece that I'm sure you would remember as a young lad....it is called plain and simply "Wings". If you didn't have this poster in your room somewhere in the early 90's....you were gay. Plain and simple. You were a gay young boy on your way to gayness of perhaps an extreme variety. Every kid knew this guy could fly and we wanted to be just like him. I for one still want to be just like him. It is a love affair man-crush that will never end. Although I will say, Lebron and Dwight Howard......well let's just say I would have an affair.

Next we have Exhibit D. A classic portrait of lustful vixen Tawny Kitaen. This was during her reign as a hood ornament sex goddess for the band Whitesnake. They probably all got a piece of that, not to mention the band members from Ratt and countless other hair band members...and a few roadies perhaps. Now I'll admit, this poster was around 1987 or so, so I was only about 9 years old and not aware of the kind of effect she could have on a man. But I threw it up here anyway as an ode to men slightly older than me that were coming into to their teenage years when she was frolicking around.

Now contrast that pic with this other one on your left. Obviously this is not the headshot her agent is submitting for TV and print work; however, it is a headshot nonetheless. This was taken just shortly after her arrest from kicking then ace pitcher Chuck Finley in the face with a high heel. Perhaps he didn't have enough track marks on his arm or enough tattoos to make her happy. This is not a coveted poster from back in the day, I threw it up purely for the joke. I hope it was worth it.

Moving on...now we come to a personal favorite of mine being born and raised in San Diego. Exhibit E, the classic big wave poster. I have no idea where this shot was taken, probably in Hawaii somewhere, perhaps the North Shore? But I had tons of these on my wall and although I didn't aspire to be a pro surfer, I do love the sport and will pick it back up when I'm living on the coast again some day. Plus waves are just aesthetically appealing in general.

And lastly but certainly not least, we arrive at one of the earliest depictions of the male psyche......please welcome to the show, exhibit F...the classic beast/animal poster. This is a sample of something I would have had in my room. I enjoyed birds of prey a great deal, as well the entire big cat genre. If you went with a Zebra or a Giraffe, well, I'm not gonna say you were gay, but you had better have had that Michael Jordan "Wings" poster also up in your room; or yes, you were in fact gay. However the irony is that although having this poster up in your room at age 8 meant that you were NOT gay; if you still have it up....then you are clearly now gay. Try solving that puzzle. The beast poster brings out the wildness and untamed spirit that a young man should have from ages 5 - 14 I would say. I've always appreciated the majesty of such a pose that this bad-ass lion is striking. After all, every man wants to have the heart of a lion.

So there you have it. All of these images combined played an integral role in many dudes' lives. We are all probably blind to the kind of effect they had on us. They have helped shape me into the kind of man I am today. I know I know....if that's indeed true, there should be a poster of sarcasm somewhere. But that's an abstract concept...you can't photograph it. See? I can be literal too.

A Srange News Feature

So I'm perusing the online news sites as I usually do in the morning, and I come across the weirdest headline...."Never Before Published Hitler Photographs!"

Now I ask you, who wouldn't want to check out some new and previously exclusive pics of one of the most sinister and revolting figures in human history? Answer: probably no one.

But I took a gander at a couple, just for morbid curiosity's sake. My favorite of the four that I could stomach was entitled A Nazi Christmas Party. Wonder what that was like? I could see some awful and corny joke cracking at the dinner table...
"Adolf...can you pass the Jew? Oh wait, there aren't any here." (group laughter ensues).

Maybe if I scrolled through more I would see Hitler at the Hard Rock in Vegas, A Nazi Spring Break in Cancun, or perhaps some pics from his wedding album Hitler and Hatred...together forever.

This is a strange feature, I can't quite figure out why that would be considered newsworthy. Needless to say, I don't think that online article is gonna get many hits in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. But it probably shouldn't get many hits period.

Anyway........these are the things that I notice

Pranks Going Too Far?

I'm a comedian, so I'm a big fan of jokes...let that be said on the record. But I saw this image to the right and was a bit taken aback. What you're seeing is a mostly naked Sacha Baren Cohen taking a dive into Eminem's lap and basically forcing a "69" position on him out of nowhere.

Apparently the white rapper was infuriated and stormed out of the MTV movie awards. On a personal note, I happen to think there are plenty of reasons to storm out of the MTV movie awards....the main one being that you're at the MTV movie awards.

Anyway, so this royal prankster descends from the rafters, fakes an entanglement so that he ends up inverted, and then takes a nose dive into Eminem's crotch...all the while wearing a thong. Really? Force feeding your junk on some other dude's face in the middle of a huge high-profile crowd? Eminem was pissed and rightfully so. There's quality pranks that get everyone laughing, and then there's just blatant lewdness and line-crossing. If you want to be a jackass and take the stage in a thong because that's all you can think of to be funny....that's one thing, but to force your junk on another man's face? That's a splendid way to get your ass kicked in a hurry!

Sacha Baron Cohen is a fine actor and has a gift for comedy, for sure. But my respect for him is plummeting because it seems that lewdness is all he can do. He's clearly in the market to shock. And anyone who makes a career out of shocking others horrendously (and most of the time, this shocking is done with offense) has a lucent insecurity that needs fixing. I'm reminded of a scene in Borat about the meek family who owned the antique shop, and his character performed a series of ridiculous falls and he bascially trashed this couple's store. All for what? A hardy chuckle? That was their living and he basically trashed it in order to give us a glimpse into his soul.

In the world of comedy, I fear we're navigating toward a mentality that says "everything is funny, no matter what!" This is ridiculous. Not everything is funny. Purposeful humor requires thought and intellectual talent. If you can't be funny and draw positive attention without crossing over into some innocent person's territory and using that as currency to buy your laugh, then you're not really funny, you're not offering anything...you're just an asshole who wasn't hugged enough growing up. Think harder.

More Unworthy News...

I was in my room last night and overheard the TV...Geraldo was reporting that Susan Boyle (Britain's Got Talent) was apparently rushed to the hospital and was suffering from exhaustion.
It was really a compelling piece, emmy award winning journalism...I wish you all could have heard it.

See my below rant if you're not picking up on the sarcasm.