Ya Know......

IDIOT CONCERT-GOERS

2011-10-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

I recently went to a concert with my fiancee and another couple. I won't disclose who I went to see. Ok, I saw Heart. They were absolutely terrific and I enjoyed myself immensely. However, any time many human beings assemble at a concert, there's going to be some douche bags in the mix who don't know how to act. I honestly would love to find another word for the type of person I'm about to describe, but "douche bag" really has taken on a legitamized alternative meaning other than its feminine hygene association.

I opted not to buy the expensive tix for this show....after all, it's Heart. Thus I decided to get some cheaper tix which were standing room only on the floor. Hammerstein ballroom is a lovely venue and there's really not a bad seat in the house. I was perfectly content to stand for 2 hours to hear this wonderful band. But, of course, I knew going into it that there would be "THAT guy" (mutliple "THAT guys" actually). And if you've been to a standing room only show, you probably can guess who I'm referring to.

It's the guy who doesn't respect the unspoken rule of standing room only shows. Don't push people out of the way so that your beer-gut body and fat-ass girlfriend can make their way closer to the stage! And it's always the same type of guy, some guido-lookin jack-off with a heinous chick on his arm trying to show how cool and assertive he is by shoving his way to the closer spaces (as if there are any).

Sure enough I saw it a few times at this show. It's hard to know what to do in this situation though. It's noisy first of all, so saying something to the guy isn't always heard. Even if he does hear you, he obviously doesn't care because his behavior already demonstrates that his parents raised him to be a toolbox maggot piece of garbage. And even if he does hear you...will his blue-collar, unrefined, mouse-sized brain comprehend your message that he's being a pig-bastard lame ass? (how we doin' on hyphens by the way?) And even if he understands the message, you think a guy like that is gonna offer an apology and head back to where he came from?

Well, I was glad to see that some form of the latter scenario did actually happen. I was pleased to see it. He made his way a few "rows" up in front of me so he was technically out of my physical range and jurisdiction to be the one to say something. Plus I know myself, it wouldn't have gone well. Whether I would have gotten the better of the scuffle or not...I can't have on my social resume that I was kicked out of a Heart concert for fighting! Megadeth maybe.....but not Heart.

But a bunch of women certainly did speak up, along with another couple, and it wasn't long before he retreated back to to the cave from whence he came (along with his munchkin gal pal he was with).

I just hate the fact that people know that what they're doing is somewhere between super-douchey and "you should really end your life and get off the planet", and yet they still go through with it! We all paid good money to see a good show. Let's all come together and recognize the unspoken rules of concert-going. Here are a few that come to mind:

1. If you have standing room tix, don't be the ass that pushes and shoves his way to get closer and infringe on everyone else's physical space (especially when you're 6'4")

2. Smoke your weed but don't blow it straight out into the back of guys head in front of you, and respect the no-smoking rule when it comes to cigarettes.....no venue allows that crap in there anymore.

3. If you're gonna sing along.....dammit, be in key! No one paid to hear your squealing shower voice.

4. We all have the same amount of physical space allotted to us, let's respect the space of others and not sit like you're on the toilet with your knees 2 feet wide, okay Buford? And if you're 350 lbs, find the empty seat that has 2 empty seats on either side next to it so that you don't impose your lard on others.

5. Don't stand when everyone else is sitting. Know the show you're going to, Metallica? Cool to stand. Pink Floyd? Sit back and enjoy the visuals and sound.

6. If you're 25 and happen to enjoy Peter Frampton...cool? Don't get pasted and obnoxious and ruin it for the 65 yr olds who just want to enjoy the concert.

7. You're not a good dancer. I recorded it and can prove it. And no one else in the row behind you thinks your good either. Have a seat crazy lady!

8. You haven't seen Hall and Oates in a long time, you're a divorced woman and you're there with your other divorced woman friend and you guys think you still "got it". You don't. You've put on some lbs. Next time please dress accordingly.

9. You're at a live performance with 15,000 other people. What the hell are you doing on your phone? Please hang up now. We're all waiting to hear "Refugee", not a song called "this dickhead's conversation"

10. If you spill beer on someone...GENUINELY apologize. Don't mix in a half-ass barely-audible "sorry" and then keep rockin out like you committed no offense.

Sidenote: A wag of the finger to the concession workers who ask 60-yr olds for their i.d. I know the boss says "card everyone!", but have a little respect for your elders and reverence for their noticeble hair-loss. My dad (63) got carded at a show not long ago and he about slapped the shit out of this kid for even asking. After all, he didn't even look old enough to serve alcohol?

Keep this in mind people. And everyone gets to enjoy the show!

Job Descriptions

2011-07-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's certainly been a while since I've posted something here. I'm sure all zero of my readers have been starving for more vents and social criticism from yours truly. I guess I've been starved from spewing them...and thus, I type.

It should be no real news to folks that the economy is not improving, and joblessness is still really really bad. Anyone in the market for a stable and reasonably lucrative gig certainly has their work cut out for them. As if the market wasn't saturated enough, employers I've noticed still continue to pour kerosine on the fire by posting some of the most ridiculous job descriptions and compensations packages attached to them.

It's like this....if everyone is starving, don't make plain rice even more impossible to get your hands on. These HR dicks are still posting job descriptions that require "ten years of identical experience, must have A, B, C, D, E...and (you guessed it) F skills, and experience in "this miscroscopic facet of our industry which goes by an abbreviation that only 2% of the planet knows what it is".
Oh and by the way.........we're gonna say that compensation is competitive, but really we've got a budget of $35,000-$38,000 to pay you to do this. What's that you ask? How am I gonna live on that in a market like San Fransisco? Well...we don't know. You'll figure it out.

This is beyond frustrating and either speaks to how awful corporations are to think that they can douse an already saturated job market with ludicrous amounts of specificy which make the landing the gig on par with a postive DNA test, or it just speaks to how actually awful our economy really is right now. It's the same shit over and over.

Here's the good news though. At least you get to spend roughly 30 minutes applying online before you send your resume into friggin' NOWHEREVILLE!!

A quick lesson for new college graduates: either stay put in the family business if you're lucky enough to be born into one, or start rubbing shoulders with anyone and everyone who has a business, because apparently you're not getting a foot in the door to anyplace without a resume that's about as unique and obscure as a lunar eclipse!!

Golden Globes

2011-01-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

As a general fact, I don't really tune in to awards shows when they air. They're notoriously boring and even when I give myself a chance to like them, the aforementioned fact is nearly always confirmed. Plus, deep down, they award the worst in humanity--self-glory, shallow accomplishments relative to what's actually virtuous, and idolization. There's too many false idols in this world, we don't need yet another awards show to continue proving it.

But I did catch a little of the Golden Globes last night. Not enough to rattle off who won what, but a few minutes here or there. Mostly I read about Ricky Gervais' hosting performance. I must confess, as a fan of comedy and a practitioner myself, I think Gervais is just about as sharp as it gets. He's super quick with practically unparalleled wit and a solid knack for surprise by way of the sarcastic remark. All things I appreciate in good humor. So on the record, I'm a fan.

But in reading the reviews, it seemed like he treated it like a roast more than an awards show. Refreshing I can imagine to viewers, but certainly not appreciated by his industry peers. And that was generally the consensus I got from the reviews and also the feeling I had during certain segments I watched.

I gotta confess, the more I watch him and observe his comedy style and tactics...the more I gotta wonder, is this guy really a happy man? Now some might say, "well he's a comedian, so by definition....NO". I appreciate such an opinion. As a comedian myself I can relate and I would agree to an extent that there's a correlation (though it isn't necessary). But there's a paradox I've noticed in him, and that is an incessant need to call everyone and everything out on what's wrong with it/them. What's his actual goal or point? Doth Gervais protest too much?

Now on the one hand, this is necessary for any truly funny comedian to be able to do. That I would agree with. But it seems like it's really a personal thing for Gervais. He simply cannot NOT rag on his own industry and peers around him. Satire is a great thing, maybe one of the best especially when it comes to Hollywood. But when the joke is aimed at someone's addiction, that, for all you know, was a very painful and damaging experience (and more than a decade ago)...I have to ask, what is your real intention here?

Now here's the thing. I will fully concede that it's really really hard to find any sympathy for Hollywood celebrities when your fake chest got you the job, or your parents paved the way for you (Keifer, Paltrow, Jolie etc.). And for the most part, let's face it, they're not really seen as virtuous people, and it's probably safe to say that they don't even like each other deep down. So Gervais deserves some credit for calling it out. But it's the different between making a point with jabbing humility, and hammering away at it with apparent malice disguised as "satire".

As I watched portions of the show and read up on some of the barbs Gervais threw out, I realized...funny though he is, he's really just mean. I don't know him, but I can't imagine he's a nice man at the end of the day. And I say that because the real sign of good chracter is when you can be nice to the people even when you don't like them. I don't at all think that people like Justin Bieber, or the Jersey Shore cast, for example, deserve ANY attention and recognition whatsoever. I do not think they're talented or contribute anything to the betterment of society; in fact, they make it worse. That is MY opinion. But there's also no urge within me to go on live television to broadcast those sentiments as if my opinion is that important. Mind you, I'm convicted that I'm right about them. But there's a gauge I have that tells me "Everyone pretty much knows, so it's futile to make the point".

Anyone can love the people they like, how hard is that? I've noticed that truly humble people who have good character are somehow able to love (or at least respect) the people that they don't like. Gervais seems to be something of an oxymoron, have you noticed? Think about it. He goes on record to criticize Hollywood for doing the very thing that he does in his criticism: tearing others down for a bit of self-glorification. Only Gervais disguises it in the form of "comedic satire" which, for some strange reason, gets passed by those just as non-reflective or jaded as he is.

Now perhaps he would respond, "I don't do it for self-glorification...I don't need to do that." Well, then the question becomes, "Why do it then?". It's the difference between mere criticsm, and offering a solution; between merely tearing down versus tearing down IN ORDER to build up. If Gervais' real deep-seeded wish is to see a more humble and virtuous industry around him, perhaps the better route is merely to just showcase good character and humility himself rather than pointing out how awful everyone and everything is.

He's gone on record to say that "there's nothing you shouldn't joke about, it depends on the joke". I'm not sure if I really understand his point here...I assume he's drawing a distinction between the subject matter and the actual punchline (what's said); and I would agree that that can mean the different between funny vs. offensive. But I have to wonder if he really knows the consequences what he's saying. Absolute remarks like that usually come from people that absolutely don't love or revere anything. That unabashed mentality of recklessness in the name of being bold or edgy surely can't make for a happy existence. If somethings aren't sacred or inherenty right or wrong, then that makes for a pretty awful world.

People with this mentality seem to always be out to prove a point. Like most everyone else, these people die eventually and no one remembers them, except for their anger. Not a great legacy. It is builders that people remember. Not mere critics.

PUBLIC FIGHTING

2010-12-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

It occured to me that some people have close to zero discretion when it comes to airing emotional and sometimes physical discourse in public settings. My sister is a totally sane person...........now. But growing up together was basically 18 yrs of fighting, we had a hard time getting along. And I remember her willingness to have a fight in public places like a supermarket or parking lot. And I don't mean boxing, but an all out yelling match or making a scene.

And other than the obvious discomfort of having a fight with someone in general, I remember thinking, "how are you able to do this....don't you feel the least bit uncomfortable drawing negative attention to yourself (and me) in the canned food aisle?.....I sure as hell do!" But for some, that wall of discretion that says "not here" is either made of soaked cardboard or they just weren't given one from birth. Amazes me.

In NYC where I live, this is blown up beyond comprehension. People's willingness to just shout at their girlfriend or boyfriend on the phone....not just shouting, blood curdling screaming, cursing and hellish name-calling. All taking place on the sidewalk with other people around or else standing on the subway platform waiting for a train with a bunch of other people who'd rather not be forced to listen to how dysfunctional their relationships are! If you're lucky enough to catch a subway in Queens or Brooklyn where the trains sometimes run above ground (thus allowing cell phone reception), then you might further enjoy them bringing their quasi COPS episode on to the train as well......you know....where it's super quiet and everyone just wants to sit in peace like they normally would in their own car.

But what really interests me is to see a stranger break up a fight between two other strangers. Guys who break up fights between other guys that they don't know fascinate me. After I saw it, I couldn't help but think "would I have done that". No. No I would not. I don't get it. You don't know the guys, they don't know you, it's not your problem and you have no stake in it...so what are you doing it for? Granted, most people actually don't want to fight when it comes down to it. And most people don't want to see violence happen in front of them. Nor do I.

However the question is, what jurisdiction does the breaker-uper have in the equation? If my friends Tom and Bill have maybe had too much to drink and a dispute or argument leads to physical altercation, I step in, of course. I know each of them, I know they'll regret it, and we're all friends. But what grounds does the stranger have to break up a fight? Seems kinda rude in a strange funny way. You're basically butting in and not minding your business. Only in this case, you could accidentally take an elbow to the nose.......or maybe one on purpose. The two fighting could turn on you!

If a guy is getting beaten by another man severely, one is morally obligated to step in and try to protect by pulling the other guy off. But if two idiots are about to throw blows over who was standing to close to whom on the subway....then good luck to ya fellas, gouge each others eyes out for all I care. I have salmon thawing and I should probably get home.

STAYING LATE FOR NO REASON!!

2010-11-19T14:04:00.000-08:00

Please post a comment for this entry if you think you really have a sound answer to this......but why are these people in the cubicles in front of me CHOOSING to stay late on a Friday and acting like there's pertinent work that has to get done? I'm in the same office, in the same department, even the same project! And I can tell you...there isn't reason to stay.

There's an absolutely wonderful and not annoying at all sect of office workers who think they're cool or "going the extra mile" by staying an extra hour late at the office, even though that hour is spent on facebook or wikipedia or some crap that has nothing to do with their actual job. I guess keeping up appearances is the "right" thing to do within the realm of office politics.

You know who doesn't stay late at their job for no reason in order to keep up appearances? Farmers! Shepherds! Firefighters! There's probably others. Anyone who doesn't make their living in an office, basically.

Well I guess they can stay here as late as they want watching Youtube videos or going over some work that is making their eyes bleed......I for one, am outta here. That is....after I finish this blog.
Done.

...okay, now I'm really leaving.

Too Much Tech and Info?

2010-11-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

I was shopping in Bed Bath and Beyond the other day, because I'm married now. And as my wife was looking at curtain rods, I offered to mozy over to the sheets and pick up a set that we had registered for. She seemed concerned that I wouldn't remember the style and brand that we originally liked, but I assured her "I got this".

As I made my way into the sheets section hoping nobody I knew was around, I noticed a sign posted at the start of a short aisle that said "How to buy sheets". That's literally what it said. I squinted and began to read. Then it hit me..."what the hell are you doin' man? you don't want to actually be caught reading this thing". So I quickly looked away and reassured myself that I had what it takes to select a set of sheets, physically walk them to the checkout, and swipe a debit card. No "how to" guidelines needed for this guy, I can buy sheets, what am I?...an idiot?

But the 2nd thought that popped into my head was, "Is that what it's come down to? We're so used to information technology and cell phone apps that we can't even buy sheets anymore? We have to be reminded? Of course that sign wasn't posted for that reason, but for some reason, that was the thought I immediately had.

I just had a friend hit me up in an email about a new "project/business" she was starting up, and when I checked out the site, it seemed to be another opportunity to sign up for yet another social network! I had a myspace page, I have a facebook page, I have a website, and I have a blog. I don't need anymore people peeping in to my world. It's not even that interesting at the moment anyway.

I'm a fan of technology. It has certainly made our lives easier. But is that necessarily a good thing? For instance, my wedding weekend....I had a destination wedding so I had friends and family calling and texting me constantly on my cell wanting to know where, what, and when on a half-hourly basis. So I was fetching calls and feeding information to over a dozen people all day for 2 days up until I arrived at the ceremony. I was stressed from planning my own wedding. Not how I pictured it.

So the question came to me...what on earth did people do in the 90's and earlier in a situation like this? How, i ask how, could someone pull off an event such as mine? They would have had to plan in advance? They would have had to do research in advance to know where everything is. Maps would have needed to be purchased. Thought would have had to go into their communication strategy, and promptness and accountability would need to be applied. Perhaps this sounds like a pain in the butt for them, but it would have made my life a hell of a lot easier that weekend.

Cell phones are fantastic, almost as great as DVR (after all, we absolutely CANNOT miss what's on TV these days, it's amazing). Indeed, the cell phone and navigation systems that come with them make life a bit easier, that's why people shell out dough to have them. But the same kind of quick fix has made its way into our social lives and we no longer have to communicate on an interpersonal level (unless we choose to). Actual conversations are being had via text messaging, I've seen texts come in 4 or 5 parts....hell, some people won't even use the phone much for it's actual purpose....PICKING IT UP.

Now right about now you're thinking, "okay, what's your point exactly?". I don't have one. I often don't have one. I'm just writing crap in my blog hoping that some tight thesis or conclusion comes to me and it often doesn't. A stupid sign at BB&B on how to buy sheets caused me to think about other facets of our informational world.

I guess my point is that the answer (as usual) lies somewhere in the middle. I love my cell phone for the convenience it provides me, and I also know how to buy sheets.

Whew....saved it there, for a minute I didn't think I was gonna have a tight wrap-up to hammer my point.

Honeymoon

2010-11-10T06:27:00.000-08:00

I got married a couple weeks ago and now we're back from our honeymoon and trying to adjust to normal married life, whatever that is.

The wife cooked dinner the other night, I cooked dinner last night, tonight I'm not gonna be home til 9:30 or so, and she offered to make dinner to have ready for me when I got home. Feels good. Nice to be married. I do wish we were back in Hawaii though, sipping on $12 cocktails near the pool and then hopping into the ocean for a mildly drunken snorkel session.

It kinda made me wonder why anyone lives anywhere else. I suppose some people would get island fever after a while, but I would gladly welcome that in contrast to the hard living I experience here in the concrete jungle of NYC. To each his own I suppose. I'm just saying that when I'm on a crowded bus of rude people, I would not mind if a tropical fish swam within 2 feet of me and appeared to wink.

We had a blast on the honeymoon. Nothing but paradise and pleasure coming together for 10 days straight. Sunset dinners, parasailing, snorkeling, catamaran cruises, champagne...and plenty more activity. Now the real world of marriage begins though. Do I do her laundry now too when I need to throw in a load? If I'm hungry, do I fix a snack for two automatically? Can't leave any more dishes out, that's certain. Knocking on my own bathroom door feels strange as well. But it's all part of the journey. I'm thoroughly convinced despite the adjustment that I made the best decision of my life.

I'm totally on board.

MOVING

2010-10-11T14:33:00.001-07:00

I recently had a big move this weekend. Well, not that big, I moved to what is equivalent to a 10 minutes walk from where I was living before. Kind of a frustrating move, cuz you feel like you didn't actually move even though two couches were carried down 4 flights of stairs, and an entertainment center had to be dismantled and put back together again.

I have some steller friends in my quiver, who all showed up to help out and contribute to the cause. I of course returned the favor with delicious pizza and a trip to a local beer garden where I picked up the tab. I've come to the determination that a true test of a real friend is if they're willing to help you move when they are available. I had one guy spring a last minute "my ex-girlfriend just booked a last minute train into the city...so I'll be entertaining her starting tomorrow morning". You mean by "entertaining" that you're gonna be throwin' her around in the sack because you STILL can't break it off clean? Got it.

I've done this for several of my friends more than once and I'm happy to do it again (help them move, that is). For some reason, I see it as an excellent opportunity to serve my friends in a very needful way. Most people balk at the thought of helping someone move. But these people, more than likely, are just lazy. You know you're gonna be rewarded with a full stomach of something rife with saturated fat, plus enough beer to get your buzz on if you choose....so why not say yes to it? Think about it. You're burning mass calories during the actual move, and then putting them back at the end with food and brews. It evens out and no trip to the gym is necessary that day.

On different but related note. Time Warner Cable customer service sucks beyond comprehension. We transfered our account to the new address but we now have shoddy wireless internet. All I wanted was to schedule a tech to come out and change out our wireless router. 30 minutes later of being transfered to a bunch of imbecile's, I'm told that the soonest they can get a tech out to me is over a week from now. That's cool TW, I'll just keep paying for the service like there's no issue until then. Of course we can go without internet even though our cycle started on Oct 1st and it's now approaching the middle of the month!

I would switch to Verizon Fios, but the surprise of paying an additional $60 in hidden "we don't even know what that is" fees is even more daunting of a prospect.

SAYING GOODBYE TO SINGLENESS

2010-10-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm about 2 weeks away from getting married in New Orleans. It's very exciting and it's definitely the best decision I've ever made in my life. Granted, it will be a committment and a lot of sacrifice, but what kind of person do we really evolve to be without those virtues? Not much of one, in my humble opinion.

Nevertheless, I have come to realize retroactively (and will probably have more realizations once I'm a few years into my marriage) that there is definitely something to be said for the single life. You see, I've spent 90% of my adult life as a single person. I was never a "player of the field" if you will. I had some girlfriends over the years but probably not as many as the next guy. I guess I was just okay flying solo. I'm used to my autonomy, my own decisions, choices, tastes, and freedom. So for me this is a big step and will prove to be an interesting transition. And I do look forward to further refinement as a man...which only a woman can perform.

Having said that, I thought I might recap on a slew of things that I'll either miss or won't be doing anymore as a single dude living in a major market. Mind you these are just a few things I'm pretty much saying goodbye to, not that I'll NEVER engage in these activities/endeavors/interests again, but I'm considering them gone. So here's what I'm saying adios to:

Playing air bass
Leaving my socks right where they are because I'm fine with where they are
Sitting on the edge of my bed for 30 minutes in my robe deciding what my next move will be
Leaving beer bottles visibly out because I think it's art
Foosball
Knowing exactly where stuff is
Wearing my concert t-shirt's just about everywhere
pretty much my wardrobe as I know it
loud rock & roll
wiffle ball
Pizza at 3am
Flirting with girls
Looking at girls
Talking to girls
Merely acknowledging that other girls exist
Fetching my own beer (that's a joke, hope you get it)
All the Van Halen I can take
Crashing on my buddy's couch cuz I'm too lazy/hammered to head home that night
The Ultimate Fighting Championship
My money
Any friend who's merely been a drinking/goof-off buddy over the years
All female friends (not that I had any)
Singing R&B ballads simply because I'm in the mood
Peeing with the door open
that piece of furniture

.......the list is long and distinguished, I'm sure I'll add more to it over the years.

None of these thing am I truly holding onto too tightly, like St. Paul said, "when I became a man, I put away childish things." And thus I will too.

But I will NOT...repeat NOT.....start wearing loafers and yacht shorts! Ever.

Less Reply All....More Thinking About if People Care

2010-09-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

If you've read any entry in my inconsistent blog you will know by now that I tackle the big issues in life. Squeezing from the end of the toothpaste instead of the middle. Opening presents on Christmas morning rather than its Eve. And of course....email ettiquette.

I'm a huge emailer, I must check it a hundred times a day at least. My gmail account is constantly open at work (whether it's technically allowed or not), and as soon as I get a new email, I drop everything and check it. Thanks for the false alarm Filene's Basement. Now recently I joined a writing team for an online publication that does nothing but publish the complaints of people such as myself. It's actually quite humorous most of the time and thought provoking. Anyway, an email was sent out to the new members of the writing staff welcoming them and thanking them for their efforts and patience with certain technical issues. Ideas on how to market the site better was also solicited by the editor in chief.

All of a sudden, I get 5-6 "reply alls" from these new writers introducing themselves and throwing in their 2 cents about how we can generate site traffic. All well intentioned (as most reply alls are); however, it's annoying as all hell. I get a new message in my inbox and it's Claire writing from Utah telling everyone on the list that she's so happy to be on board. Well that's great Claire, but you just took up 5 seconds of my busy life to say hi! This is not a huge corporation and you're not the new CEO. We all submit a couple of pieces per month and get on with our lives. No one even really knows each other.

Why do people feel the need to reply all with matters that are of no concern or interest to the people on the list? In this case, the editor in chief was the only person who solicited a response for suggestions, and therefore, that reply should have gone to him only. The rest of us don't need to know you or hear your thoughts. I know it sounds nit-picky and perhaps even a little brusque to criticize such people. But the lack of discretion in their solicitation is irritating after a while.

Cuz what happens is some third party chimes in and responds to that person, next a fourth smart ass has a comment and the next thing you know...your inbox is being bombarded with cluttered messages from all these "hilarious" people you don't even know much less value their opinion. This happens with b-day parties that are announced via email etc. Any kind of group activity wherein people don't "think it through" can easily end up like this. If Jack thinks he's funny and wants to throw out a comment, than just reply to Jack.

And if you work in an office and you want to hit up the happy hour really badly cuz you're 22 and anxious to mingle and throw back some Goldschlager...then just reply to the sender and tell them you'll be there. Don't identify yourself as the tool in the office by replying all and saying "Bill and I will be heading up the wet t-shirt competition". We get it....you're excited about drinking with your co-workers and you want to make sure you get the proper attention as the office jack-ass. Don't worry, you'll get the attention. But if you could just leave my inbox out of the equation, that'd be just terrific.

REAL ESTATE BROKERS

2010-08-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've had any kind of "normal" existence outside the city of New York, so I can't say that this post is going to be universally relatable. However, when one begins the process of hunting for an apartment in NYC, it's basically the beginning of a stress-inducing endeavor that often brings disappointment and occasionally ill-will towards the jackasses that show you the units for rent.

Anyone in NYC knows who I'm talking about--the slick (often literally from their guido hair products), fast-talking, pushy, inconsiderate salesman called "brokers". Before I rant, here's a question. Must the word "broker" and "shady douche" be synonomous? Why should this be? There's no necessary connection really. But I've find that there's often very little exception to this association. I hear the word broker and I immediately cringe at the thought of dealing with that person. Anyway, something to think about.

But real estate brokers in general are extremely difficult to deal with and navigate socially. Here's a scenario that happened to me recently: I found an ad for an apartment, the pics looked good and they had a neighborhood shot of a park supposedly right across from the apartment building, which I knew was in "Harlem/Morningside" somewhere. But that's all I knew. There are some parts of Harlem that are quite developed and pleasant, and other parts that look like they should be in an Eddie Murphy movie from the 80's. That means shitty, by the way.

So I responded to the ad and asked for the cross streets so that I could get an idea of the exact location. That's it, that's all the information I wanted at this point in order to move forward or not. The guy emails me back and says, "Brett, what's your mobile number? I'd rather chat on the phone and give you details that way"
What??????? This is the b.s. I'm talking about. I want ONE single piece of information and you want to do a phoner? I'd like to point out two things here.

1. The actual cross streets would have taken you far less time to type than your stupid "let's have a phone converstation....I'm a desperate broker" reply.

and

2. The cross streets are the very thing that will determine whether I want to talk to your presumptious ass!! Just answer the friggin question and let's get on with it.

Sooooo...I replied to his email with "the cross streets are all I'm interested in at this point, no need to take up your time if the area is not a match".

He then replies, "Mobile number?"

Are you kidding me? Now he wants to email-argue with me? A complete stranger is email-fighting with me over how we're gonna communicate. Naturally the right response here is to delete the exchange and put this guy out my mind. He's not someone I want to deal with if he can't answer a simple question. All that did was tell me that the area is probably a great place for a rape.

Granted, he's trying to make a sale, I can appreciate that. But why wouldn't he just tell me the cross streets? I don't need to be high pressured to hand out my cell number so that he can pursue me. I'm the one looking for an apartment, it's my living situation in question....I WILL CALL YOU when I'm damn well ready. I will ask the questions, just answer. THIS right here is the frustrating part of dealing with these guys. They want to control the conversation, control you, and act like you're already in the door (in all fairness, this is what all salesman do really). "Bring your credit score and proof of income", they say. How bout I make sure that this apartment isn't a total sty-hole first, THEN we'll talk about my credit score.

It is movers and shakers in this city, that's no doubt. So I understand the necessity to think and act fast when you see an apartment you like. But again, that's assuming you LIKE it. To assume that I want your no-closet, no-outlet, awkward kitchen space, hole-in-the-wall crappy apartment is just annoying. Answer the questions honestly, tell me the truth, and we'll go from there. Fair enough?

DIETING AND EXERCISE

2010-08-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

This is not gonna be one of my more entertaining posts....and what a great way to start a new post, right? I'm trying to drop a few pounds, 15 to be exact. It's not exactly an insurmountable task, not terribly daunting as a goal.

I've heard people boast that they lost 10 lbs in a week doing "such and such" diet. Of course, they always gain it back immediately after the diet because those kinds of experiments only shed water and muscle, not actual fat. I learned recently that a pound of fat is 3,500 calories. So basically if you shed 500 calories a day from your diet, you will lose 1 lb of fat per week.

Now I'm pretty sure that in the last two months that I've been applying myself, I have done this. I think I've consistently knocked off 500 calories out of my diet. It's not that hard. One less portion of this...3 less bites of that, "no, I really don't need a candy bar right now", no soda etc. It all adds up and will make a difference on the calorie counter.

Problem is, I'm really not seeing too much of a result in the ole mid section. I was never truly "fat", but I'm not svelt either right now. Luckily I have fairly large muscles generally so I "wear it well" you might say. However, I'm not seeing the progress and results that I had hope to after consistent exercise and calorie-counting. My stomach is flatter, to be sure. My abs are starting to show a bit finally and every once in a while depending on the angle (and lighting), I'll catch a new glimpse of definition in my shoulders and arms. So it's happening. But it is happening SLOWLY.

They say 1 lb a week is about where you want to be in terms of true weight loss. Absolutely no more than 2 lbs a week to stay on the safe side. Got a ways to go. But recently I snagged a 3 day guest pass to a really nice fitness facility through a friend who took me in to a class they have there called "whipped". Now I've consistently been doing 30 minutes of fairly rigorous elliptical, followed by weight training of a speedy pace (so that my heart rate stays up). Seems like a good regiment, right? Well....

This WHIPPED class really put things in perspective for me. It's a circuit training class, 45 minutes of station to station calisthenic exercise, with hardly any break. In short, I was cramping up during the warm up. It was so intense and rigorous, it made me depressed at the attempts I've made thus far to "get in a good workout". 45 minutes non-stop cardio, core, and calisthenics....all driven by motivation not to appear like your giving up in front of the other class members.

My upper torso got through it okay. One thing I don't work however, is legs. Well, I did in this class. My ass muscles and quads were ridiculous the next day. I dropped a fork and it took me 34 minutes to pick it up, coupled with all sorts of old-man sighs along the way. My gym sucks, they offer no classes, so unfortunately for me I'm gonna have to go back to my regiment and just make sure that I'm pushing myself and getting the most out of what I can do there. But it really made me realize how much actual work needs to be done just to burn a measily 400 calories. The class probably burned 800 in the 45 minute time frame, which is a STELLAR workout for how long you're in there.

So the lesson learned here is......however hard you think you're working, you're probably not doing as much as you think.

And now the great debate for me when I get off work is this.......nap, or gym? A decision I have to make on 4 hours sleep last night.

DOUCHEY CONCERT GO-ERS

2010-08-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

I recently went to a concert with my fiancee and another couple. I won't disclose who I went to see. Ok, I saw Heart. They were absolutely terrific and I enjoyed myself immensely. However, any time many human beings assemble at a concert, there's going to be some douche bags in the mix who don't know how to act. I honestly would love to find another word for the type of person I'm about to describe, but "douche bag" really has taken on a legitamized alternative meaning other than its feminine hygene association.

I opted not to buy the expensive tix for this show....after all, it's Heart. Thus I decided to get some cheaper tix which were standing room only on the floor. Hammerstein ballroom is a lovely venue and there's really not a bad seat in the house. I was perfectly content to stand for 2 hours to hear this wonderful band. But, of course, I knew going into it that there would be "THAT guy" (mutliple "THAT guys" actually). And if you've been to a standing room only show, you probably can guess who I'm referring to.

It's the guy who doesn't respect the unspoken rule of standing room only shows. Don't push people out of the way so that your beer-gut body and fat-ass girlfriend can make their way closer to the stage! And it's always the same type of guy, some guido-lookin jack-off with a heinous chick on his arm trying to show how cool and assertive he is by shoving his way to the closer spaces (as if there are any).

Sure enough I saw it a few times at this show. It's hard to know what to do in this situation though. It's noisy first of all, so saying something to the guy isn't always heard. Even if he does hear you, he obviously doesn't care because his behavior already demonstrates that his parents raised him to be a toolbox maggot piece of garbage. And even if he does hear you...will his blue-collar, unrefined, mouse-sized brain comprehend your message that he's being a pig-bastard lame ass? (how we doin' on hyphens by the way?) And even if he understands the message, you think a guy like that is gonna offer an apology and head back to where he came from?

Well, I was glad to see that some form of the latter scenario did actually happen. I was pleased to see it. He made his way a few "rows" up in front of me so he was technically out of my physical range and jurisdiction to be the one to say something. Plus I know myself, it wouldn't have gone well. Whether I would have gotten the better of the scuffle or not...I can't have on my social resume that I was kicked out of a Heart concert for fighting! Megadeth maybe.....but not Heart.

But a bunch of women certainly did speak up, along with another couple, and it wasn't long before he retreated back to to the cave from whence he came (along with his munchkin gal pal he was with).

I just hate the fact that people know that what they're doing is somewhere between super-douchey and "you should really end your life and get off the planet", and yet they still go through with it! We all paid good money to see a good show. Let's all come together and recognize the unspoken rules of concert-going. Here are a few that come to mind:

1. If you have standing room tix, don't be the ass that pushes and shoves his way to get closer and infringe on everyone else's physical space (especially when you're 6'4")

2. Smoke your weed but don't blow it straight out into the back of guys head in front of you, and respect the no-smoking rule when it comes to cigarettes.....no venue allows that crap in there anymore.

3. If you're gonna sing along.....dammit, be in key! No one paid to hear your squealing shower voice.

4. We all have the same amount of physical space allotted to us, let's respect the space of others and not sit like you're on the toilet with your knees 2 feet wide, okay Buford? And if you're 350 lbs, find the empty seat that has 2 empty seats on either side next to it so that you don't impose your lard on others.

5. Don't stand when everyone else is sitting. Know the show you're going to, Metallica? Cool to stand. Pink Floyd? Sit back and enjoy the visuals and sound.

6. If you're 25 and happen to enjoy Peter Frampton...cool? Don't get pasted and obnoxious and ruin it for the 65 yr olds who just want to enjoy the concert.

7. You're not a good dancer. I recorded it and can prove it. And no one else in the row behind you thinks your good either. Have a seat crazy lady!

8. You haven't seen Hall and Oates in a long time, you're a divorced woman and you're there with your other divorced woman friend and you guys think you still "got it". You don't. You've put on some lbs. Next time please dress accordingly.

9. You're at a live performance with 15,000 other people. What the hell are you doing on your phone? Please hang up now. We're all waiting to hear "Refugee", not a song called "this dickhead's conversation"

10. If you spill beer on someone...GENUINELY apologize. Don't mix in a half-ass barely-audible "sorry" and then keep rockin out like you committed no offense.

Sidenote: A wag of the finger to the concession workers who ask 60-yr olds for their i.d. I know the boss says "card everyone!", but have a little respect for your elders and reverence for their noticeble hair-loss. My dad (63) got carded at a show not long about and he about slapped the shit out of this kid for even asking. After all, he didn't even look old enough to serve alcohol?

Keep this in mind people. And everyone gets to enjoy the show!

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OUTSIDE.....

2010-08-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

When a person is outside, there's a certain aura of freedom. No walls around us, open space, fresh air etc. And that can often make a person feel free to do certain things. But this feeling should be curtailed. After all there's many things we normally shouldn't do outside. Light candles, have a baby, curl up on the couch, masturbate etc. But I'm starting to think smoking should be added to the list.

I'm continuing to be impressed by the inconsideration of smokers. I personally am glad that we're headed toward a social environment where smoking is darn near obsolete (like Sega video games, or the band Sugar Ray), we're getting there and it's a really good thing.

But there still remains this individual that thinks that just because he's outside, there are no unspoken rules of courtesy that still apply. For instance...don't be the guy/gal who lights up RIGHT WHEN you get out of Grand Central terminal, there are still tons of people exiting and vying for space on the sidewalk. No one wants to come out of the stenchy subways only to smell your cigarette smoke right as they exit. You can't wait?

Another example would be when multiple people are eating around you. I watched this douche-nozzle take a seat on a bench in one of those little quad areas where professionals take their lunch break. Not a large area mind you, so the space was quite occupied with people eating their lunch and talking shop. This numb-nutz plops down right next to two women and their food and lights up...the girls were clearly down-wind, and thus they had to move. All because this guy just had to light up right there. There's no way he can go pick a spot on low-traffic sidewalk away from people, he totally needs a seat for his habit!

Another example would be the morning smoker on their way to work. NYC is a walkers city obviously, and these people need to throw in a grit as they walk to work. They then turn their head left or right to exhale. Awesome...yeah, nobody is coming up on your left or right on Lexington Avenue on a Tuesday at 8:45am or anything. Don't blow the smoke upward where it belongs, just turn to your left and assume that no one is right behind you to take in a huge second-hand breath of your poison. Stop being that guy!

Not to be too harsh though. I realize it's an addiction and some people just can't seem to quit no matter how good their intentions are. And if a person does have to smoke, outside is obviously the place to do it as a general rule. I'm simply stating that one ought to apply the same "do unto others..." that he would normally apply in social situations...or any situation for that matter.

After all, the rest of us aren't the one with the problem.

SUBLETTING

2010-08-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

My current living and relationship status has me subletting throughout this sweltering summer in New York City. I'm just gonna throw it out there for the intellectually curious......if you ever want to question WHY you live in NYC, and your answer is because it's so great...then I humbly recommend you mix in a sublet situation and see if you still feel the same way.

As it stands, I'm currently paying $750 a month for the following ammenities:

shoddy internet,
an AC unit that pushes about as much cool air as a camel's anus,
a filthy kitchen,
an anti-social roommate,
one beach chair serving as a the only seat in the living room,
1/2 of a spatchula with which to cook,
a broken toilet that takes 45 seconds to flush everything (if you get it all on the first try),
and oh yes......BED BUGS!!

I have been particularly enjoying the latter experience. Of course, there are better situations out there, but I was in dire straits due to another unfortunate incident which put a huge damper on my plans (which was to live in a place with a 55 yr old Chinese man with broken English way out in Brooklyn).

Given that he pulled the plug on me at the last minute, and that I wanted to be closer to my fiance', I was hell bent on hustling for a room to rent for the summer in Astoria Queens.
So, in my desperation of foreseeable homelessness, I agreed to this room. It was furnished and was only gonna be for 3 months.

What is my point? My point is that I have a hard time justifying living in this city sometimes given what you get for what you spend. $750 a month is not chump change to me or any normal person. $750 would probably get you a tight one-bedroom apt all to yourself in Charleston South Carolina for all I know (which, I hear, is a nice little city to live in). But no. Apparently I'd rather spend $750 on bed bugs and a floor that screams "flip flops now!"

So why am I doing this? Because if I want to survive in this city and carry out my plans for the immediate future, I have to. It just chips away at my conscience (also another word for wallet) and reasonability to think about wasting money like that. All because I really didn't have a choice. Sure I could have paid less for a sublet, but I might have lived with 4 college dudes in an even dirtier place, perhaps with cockroaches large enough to bum a smoke off of me. In fact, all of the places I looked at for around $650-$700 were all styes. Not livable to anyone with decent standards.

I sincerely hope for my sake that when I've moved on and I look back on the NYC days, I'll think of it as the best thing I ever did and not the biggest waste of my assets.

"CAN YOU HOLD MY PLACE IN LINE....?"

2010-07-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

I was at Starbucks recently and someone pulled a classic request with their own little selfish spin on it. This one I hadn't experienced before but it put me in kind of a weird spot. I get in line to order, and I'm the last one in line. This dude gets in line right behind me, so now he's the last person in line.

Within a literal fifteen seconds, he taps me on the shoulder and says, "hey man, would you mind holding my spot in line? I just gotta hit the mens room real quick, just if anyone comes, let them know that there's someone behind you?" He was nice enough in his tone of voice, but my knee jerk reaction was "Are you nuts?"

You want me to hold a spot in line that's behind me? You do realize that I only care about what's in front of me, right? The whole reason I'm in line is to get to that register with minimal obstacles, I don't need an assignment from you to hold your place in line BEHIND ME. First of all, I don't even have jurisdiction there! Everyone knows you only have power to hold the person's spot in front of you (if you so choose), but to ask someone to hold a place in line behind them?

How bout this? How bout you just don't get in line right now? How bout that? Clearly you're not ready, so just go do your thing and THEN get in line with the rest of the rational people in this place. In this case, he was the last person in line and he's asking me to hold his place as the last person in line.

What am I, an asshole? If someone comes in after this and gets in line, do you really think I'm gonna turn around to that person and go, "just so you know....you're not as close as you think. Believe it or not, I'm holding a spot for this douche who could be back any second, or he could be gone a while....we'll just have to wait and see, but either way, you're not behind me despite your physical presence there."

That sounds insane but that's what I would be forced to say if I agreed to the proposition. And you're probably asking, "well then, what did you tell him?" Basically I agreed to do it, knowing full well that I had no intention of lifting a proverbial finger if someone stepped in. Luckily (not that I really cared) I ended up getting to the register before he got back, so he lost his place entirely, and he should have.....he did a schmucky thing.

My Cubical Neighbor

2010-07-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

If the guy 2 cubicles down from me gets up one more time for no reason other than to grab another soda and snack, he will have had 4,752 snacks/drinks and it's only 10am.

Just sayin'

AL GORE SEX SCANDAL

2010-07-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

I'm reading up on this alleged sex scandal that has Al Gore in the spotlight. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm gonna guess it's not and my reasons are not for a lack of evidence; but rather....it's Al Gore!

I'm not saying the man is ugly, but he's hardly charismatic and charming when he speaks. If he did it at all, it might have been simply because Clinton did it back in the day and Gore probably knew about it, so he wanted to have his own fling. You only hope this "massage therapist" was hotter than Monica Lewinsky.

I just can't see the guy having an affair. How would he even entice a woman? And even if he did, would all the dirty talk be about how he invented the internet and how he should have won in 2000! Very arousing stuff.

Politicians are powerful people so I guess I wouldn't be entirely surprised if the affair was true. I'm just having a hard time picturing Al Gore naked with a woman; which, I guess, is a good thing. If that thought came to my mind easily and repetitively, I'd have to kill myself. I can however, easily picture him ironing a shirt in his boxers with a cigarette and asking his wife if he should put creases in the sleeves or not. And then spilling his coffee on his crotch.

That is the Al Gore in my head. Not a sex maniac.

Wedding Planning

2010-07-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married in the Fall and my finacee' is in the process of teaching me everything I didn't know or deem rational about planning a wedding. She's winning. Apparently there's a ton of protocol and etiquette (let's just call them what they are....unsubstantiated rules), surrounding the wedding planning process and actual event.

Basically I'm learning that I'm a huge a tool when it comes to these things. I try and shimmy in my opinion or view on a given issue, but I might as well be talking directly to a Mr. Potato Head Doll telling it that it can't leave the house looking like that. My reasons and logic seem to fall on deaf ears. But I'm okay with it because it's "her day". And I truly do want the attention on my bride come ceremony time, she's the real prize here...I'm just an average-looking dude that got lucky, REALLY lucky.

However, every once in a while I feel the need to address the presuppostion that it's "her day". It's my day too, after all. Now I'm not saying that I want all eyes on me and that I should walk down the aisle to meet her at the alter (though that would be friggin' hysterical in my mind), I'm just sayin' let me shimmy in a request that's in my favor once in a while. Throw one my way every so often, is what I'm asking. My fiancee' is getting better at this but she still has a ways to go. The reason I know she has a ways to go is because she still thinks the Bee Gees aren't gonna be played during the reception party. Well, I have news for her......embrace the idea, cuz that shit is GONNA HAPPEN.

Now I'm not gonna cheeseball the whole reception by coming out to How Deep is Your Love for our first dance, that's silly and cliche. But Night Fever will be heard loud and clear once people are on the dance floor with a few (probably several) cocktails in them. And if I break out into a solo, I break out into a solo....circle it up and let it happen. There's only a few things that I'm hell bent on having or doing at my wedding, and that is merely one of them. Some form of red meat would be on the list as well (also happening).

Flowers, colors, location, time of the ceremony, china patterns and crystal stemware? Knock yourself out babe! But let me mix in some cheesy scallop potatoes on the menu and an Issac Hayes tune (preferably from the Hot Buttered Soul album).

I want her to be super happy and overjoyed with this important day. She's the beautiful one, she's the coveted prize, and I want all eyes on her and all attention going towards her on our wedding day. All I ask for is maybe a handshake, and an enthusiastic pat on the back when Hall and Oates hits your ears......cuz that was MY call.

Facebook Attitude

2010-01-09T21:03:00.001-08:00

Let me first say right out of the gate that I'm not much of a facebook person. Something about not being able to hug and kiss the people I love and smack the people I dislike...I don't know, guess I'd rather have the real thing. But today I had some strange compulsion to hop on and research some people.

My sister is probably more connected on the site than I am, I have like 8 friends and let me just state that I think it's a crying shame that my girlfriend won't add me. But anyway, I started on her page just perusing some of her friends, turns out she has probably a couple dozen connections to people from our mutual high school. Now these of course, were mostly her friends but I remember them and I'm sure most of them remember me. But as I cruised down this imaged-filled memory lane, I found myself rather hooked; hooked on the kettle cooked jalapeno potato chips I was eating, and also hooked on finding more and more blast from the past persons who I otherwise didn't give a damn about until this strange out of body experience I was having.

As it goes, these people triggered other names, those names triggering more names, on and on it went until I found people that I haven't even thought of for roughly 15 years (I barely thought about them then). Gotta admit it was kind of fun, some of my sisters peers lead me to some of my peers, we were only 2 grades apart after all.

But here's the thing, without befriending them, I couldn't tell what they were doing or how they were living. Some names had changed on the female side of things, so I know that marriages had happened and kids had been born and all that great stuff. But what caught me was this urge to look into their lives and try to compare them to mine.

This HAS to be the most enticing aspect of Facebook I would think. It is this ability to check in on people not so much because you care about their welfare necessarily (I would think the people whose welfare you truly care about, you pick up a phone, right?), but because it's somehow fascinating to us as humans to size others up, measure progression, and then take a glance in the mirror to see if we're keeping up, surpassing, or falling behind in the rat race of life.

And I, someone who hates looking in the past, got hooked tonight. It was a strange feeling...kinda like I was invisible at a high school reunion with no obligation to talk to anyone. I've personally never been a fan of high school reunions for the aforementioned reason. If you lost touch after high school, there's probably a reason why. Not that saying hello and a brief friendly chat isn't pleasant, it certainly could be. But I also have to admit a judgmental streak in me in thinking that if you were an asshole then, you're probably still an asshole...and even if you're not an asshole anymore, I only knew you then and life's to short to actively seek out who may or may not have changed; I simply move on. Anyway, I just find that the people who are on facebook all the time are the same kinds of people that would JUMP at the chance of a high school reunion every 10 years....hell, even 5 years.

And as I see it, this kind of person usually falls into one of two categories....

The dorky/nerdish/goth/awkward person who didn't have the privilege of being so popular at the time (I always felt kinda sorry for these kids, after all, surely they didn't choose this image...their parents were probably dorks too, or maybe they had a rough upbringing etc). This person really has only one reason to show up: to show how much they've changed. It's an opportunity to let everyone know, "hey I'm not a dork anymore, in fact I made CFO by the time I was 28, and am thinking of starting my own business.......I'd ask you to invest, but you probably don't have the capital and you fucked with me in high school, so forget I even asked." This is really the only statement the person in this category has to make at such an occasion. I personally can't imagine any other reason why someone unpopular who struggled for attention and friendships in high school would return to such a scene.

Then there's the ultra popular/jock/beauty queen/cool guy/homecoming/prom royalty that probably peaked too early in life and is now back to relive the glory days hoping the others will reign down accolades on them just like the old days before they started selling tires at Sears. For this person, it's an opportunity to forget how quickly reality caught up to them and instead clasp at the past as if it was still the present. "Remember that game? Dude I threw 4 touchdowns that night".
Nothing wrong with a little reminiscing. But that's usually all they have to talk about. Their time was then, and my how things turned out differently than they expected.

Then there's the rest of us, fairly average joes and janes who unwittingly took in that time for what it is (a rite of passage to an adult life), and understand that that's ALL that was. Sure, friendships developed along the way, some we still have with us, but more than likely they're the same kind of person that I'm talking about right here. Grounded, and with the understanding that there's no need to go back really. It's fun, but it can become an obsession quickly.

I was hooked tonight and almost became convinced that I needed to change my life, strategies, relationships, and career. But I don't. I'm at where I'm at and so is everyone else. And the religious practice of daily facebook browsing, twittering and researching everyone else will never change that fact. All it will do is make you compare. And in an ever-changing world that's becoming more and more subjective and relative...it's gotta be a big waste of time.

Nonetheless, I still can't believe Bobby Swenson got married, that guy was a complete tool back in the day.

Celebrities Dying

2009-09-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

This has been a tough year in Hollywood. A lot of losing battles to this thing called death. Apparently everyone has this condition and it will catch up to all of us some day. It's a shame though that several key figures in the celebrity world have died this year....all quality artists and public figures. Starting with the most notable, we lost the King of Pop, MJ. We also lost 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett, along with newsmakers Walter Cronkite and Robert Novak. Renown filmmaker John Hughes passed away and now we just lost the one and only Patrick Swayze.

These are all people that I personally liked and respected. All of them contributed significant work to society and made our lives better for it. I think it's pretty safe to say that most everyone would agree. It's a shame they are gone. A special moment of silence for losing Jonny Castle, Bodi, and Dalton (all characters played by Swayze........can you name the movies in which he had each name respectively?). The guy did some fine work I thought.

But why can't we have more deaths amongst shoddy, low-brow celebrities? I know I know, it sounds mean. But let's just think about certain people and why we are better off without them.

When can we hear about Tom Green's death? How bout Carlos Mencia? Ashton Kutcher? The list is long and distinguished. Personally if I had to hear about the seemingly tragic death of these people, I might do a half shoulder shrug and then move on with my day. I just think if Amy Winehouse or Kevin Federline bit the dust, there might be reason to celebrate. I'm not saying that these people deserve to die; that's not my point. All I'm saying is that I can't promise you I wouldn't have people over.

If the entire cast of Entourage died in a huge fire at a strip club (a real possibility), it would be very hard for me not to assemble a pinada and actively seek out a birthday to celebrate. There's a good chance that if Paris Hilton accidentally fell out of a window and grabbed on to Nicole Ritchie's hair to save herself, and as a result, pulled Nicole out of the window too.... I can't promise you there wouldn't be a knee-jerk reaction to buy a disco ball and hire a cover band.

Again, I'm NOT saying these people should perish. Not at all. That's just cruel and unwarranted. I am saying that God-forbid it happen, I might be tempted to throw a few back that night.

There's no judgement here on character or even artistic integrity. Just a myriad of possible celebratory shenanigans that would be mere coincidence in surrounding the death of people who we're better off without.

Glorious Mistake

2009-09-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

I made a pretty large mistake the other day. Fortunately there were no consequences other than a blow to my pride and intelligence. I was in a poorly lit bar and I was trying to get past this guy who was seated at the bar. So I politely said, "excuse me brother"...at which point I heard a female voice respond "no problem."

Obviously it's a strange predicament to take a second look and realize that the person you called "brother" was a woman. But I stood by it. See....the woman had a shaved head; I'd say like a #2 on the clippers....maybe a #3 (if you know your guards), and was dressed in a flannel shirt and jeans like she was the bass player in Candlebox or something (if you remember that group, I strongly salute you).

She didn't seem upset and her tone of voice when she responded "no problem" was not at all defensive. I'm guessing she probably just didn't hear me right, which is good. But I knew in my heart the mistake that I made, the gender reversal is usually irreversible. It's a non-rectifiable mistake. It's out there, you said it, you were wrong....take care! And that's pretty much the attitude I took. I said it, realized my mistake and moved on both physically and psychologically. The woman had a shaved head for hell's sake! And you throw on a flannel shirt and jeans and I'm just expecting you to be in a Sinead O'connor tribute band. I can't be expected to know what kind of fashion statement you're supposed to be making with a look like that. It's dark, and I tend to not look people in the face at bars lest someone strike up a conversation with me that I don't want to have. Or some Guido thinks I'm trying to act tough and next thing I know I'm having to diffuse a possible fight.

So instead, I'd rather just put my head down, stare off vaguely at something else and run the risk of calling a random woman, "brother". It's just how I do it. Not saying it's right.

Landing a Job

2009-09-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

Why has it become so difficult to land a job in this day and age? I'm not talking about the consequences of our current recession, but rather just a general difficulty in finding a good job. We're all in the same position, we have to work for our living in order to survive. Work is the main thing that allows us to do just that. So why is the most seemingly primal catalyst in survival so hard to acquire? It's almost like the methods to this achievment are set up in opposition; like most industries and corporations are structured for rejection, not invitation.

Should we really have to take an hour out of our day to fill out an online application and submit it to no-mans-land via cyberspace. How bout the username and password you had to create just to establish a profile so that you CAN submit through their application website? It's like they're making you become a member of a group that is auditioning you to become an actual member? Seems like a strange irony to me.

What about 3-4 rounds of interviews for an otherwise meager position? I once had 3 rounds of interviews for an administrative assistant position, and when I got to the interview they couldn't even tell me exactly what I'd be doing..."it's pretty open right now, we're re-structuring a lot of things so the job could turn into anything". Awesome! Three interviews for a job that you can't even describe? Sign me up...right after I light this fuckin' place on fire! I didn't light the place on fire, nor did I get the position. I'm glad about it now, but hindsight appreciation doesn't get me back that wasted time or the contentious attitude my current boss had in letting me have the time off to go to the interview (she thought it was a Dr.'s appt of course).

It's like an obstacle course with monkeys throwing shit at you after you trip over one of the rubber tires in the middle of the course. That's not based on a true story, but you get the idea. No one should have to go threw all these hoops just to simply put some food on his/her plate. If the president and his administration want to talk about job creation, let's start talking about creating better jobs for people, not just more. Cuz in order to land a job wherein you don't want to blow your head off or your colleague's head off...you have to first get socked in the gut by a 1,000 gorillas and THEN AND ONLY THEN you might get the gig.

It's not a problem caused by a recession necessarily. I've personally always felt the difficulty in landing a decent job. Perhaps I'm too picky? Perhaps I'm hard to satisfy? Perhaps I need to shave off this spiked mohawk? Could be a combination of all those. But I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong here, as I've gotten the same attitude from many of my peers. And let's face it, most people hate their jobs.

So there's everyone's predicament really, we all get in line to jump through hula hoops laced with horseshit just so that we can plop down in our cubicle and get carpal tunnel.

I'm moving to Scotland now, I want to be a shepherd. Ever heard of a sheep that talked back to you or asked you to "enter this in a spreadsheet"? No, no you have not.

A Fine Dining Experience

2009-07-31T07:20:00.001-07:00

I had the privilege of taking my beautiful girlfriend out to dinner last night for her birthday. It was a lovely evening and we had a great time and experience. But, as usual, I feel the need to point out some nonsense that I encountered. (I feel like I'm becoming the next Larry David.....always having to point out what's wrong with a situation).

On the basis that I had a gift certificate, I chose to dine at a restaurant called Acapella, a northern Italian place down in Tribeca. Amazing place, the food was delectable and the service was ridiculously impeccable. They run a fancy establishment and it's no place for the savage. It's definitely a 3-star fine dining experience...which frankly, I wasn't expecting. I wasn't prepared, and the reason I wasn't prepared is because it's not 1987 and I didn't have a job on Wall Street. Nonetheless, I enjoy spoiling my girlfriend cuz she deserves every ounce of it, and it was a special occasion being her birthday, so we indulged a bit over our heads. Had a great time.

But I realized there's a catch 22 inherent in the fine dining experience. When you actually do it, it's supposed to be a special treat for yourself and whoever you're with...right? Well, sort of. On the one hand, yes....it's a nice experience to be taken care of with such refinement and attention to detail. On the other hand, it can be a source of discomfort because you feel like you're not doing anything right. Like some kind of high-school angst that's grand-fathered back in a voice that says you're not good enough to be here or if you do something that's not "cool" you'll be mocked, however subtly.

Now I don't think Joanna and I did anything wrong at all (okay, I may have licked my fingers once or twice....that's on me), but even still the pleasure and relaxation was affected a bit because we were on our toes to be proper and not screw up in some way. Joanna seemed a little more intimidated by this factor than I was, as I tend to mock policies and protocols that exist for no good reason. However, I was still affected by her stress because I had to get her to relax a bit and enjoy herself on her birthday.

Now I don't mean to say that this place was uppedy or snobbish, not at all. It's fine dining....it is what it is. Our waiter was quite affable and we were greeted warmly. However there was also a "captain" that approached our table (a captain, for those of you who don't know....is your actual waiter in a place like this.......they just don't do any real work, you see them once when they take your order, and that's the end of the relationship). Anyway, our captain, though knowledgeable and courteous, was a bit imposing with his suggestions. Naturally, it's his job to "sell" us on the specials and the vino, but it was far more than merely inviting, he was strongly suggestive.........as if to think I'd be out of my mind if I didn't want an appetizer? "You should try "this", you should try "that"....how about "this" for the lady, and afterward I'll bring you our list of cogniacs and ports." What am I, a male stripper? I just have bills comin' out of my ass crack over here? Should I duct tape my wallet to my forehead and then tie up my hands so you can get into it at will?

Now he was just doing his job, but again it was that intimidation factor that kept the moment from being enjoyable. Now admittedly, Joanna and I don't eat like that very often, and I'm sure our captain could sense that in little time. Especially when I ordered the "scallops", which read Scallopine on the menu.......he corrected me that it was actually veal. Case in point, I didn't know what the hell I was talking about despite my efforts to remain confident in throwing some of the pressure back his way. I looked like a jack ass, but I was over it within a few seconds. So far, there's really no nonsense of which to report in this experience....just that we were mingling with the "finer" class of palates in the city and feeling the pressure of being among them. No nonsense, that is, until the bill came.

Now please understand, I'm not a stingy guy, but when the check came, that's when I just shook my head in a way that says "this is bullshit". The bill was a bit more pricey than expected, which I'm totally fine with as long as I know what I'm getting into. But we ordered 2 of the appetizers that were special that night, and 2 desserts; none of which was the price cited. No dessert menu was presented, nor was a mathematical figure announced when he was rattling off the specials. You just order in ignorance and boom!....a small Tiramisu cost $14....it was hands down the best Tiramisu I've had, but it was $14. And my sorbet was $12. Yes, sorbet.

This is what I'm talking about. The pressure and expectation to not ask questions or pursue information out of fear that you'll be made to feel ignorant or out of place if you do so. It's that presumptious mentality of fine dining culture that expects you to disregard money as an even remotely problematic issue..."you're obviously willing to spend whatever "we" say you're gonna spend, so I'll just suggest accordingly", says the captain in his head. And he's not wrong for thinking this necessarily. I could have asked how much the desserts were or to see a menu (not that places like this cite prices on everything), but there was a dilemma in doing so. Do I want to ask and risk looking like a cheap boyfriend, and have this guy give me a glare of "you obviously don't belong here"? Or do I just suck it up and consider the occasion and go with it for the sake of making my girlfriend feel taken care of and loved. I'm a wise man most of the time, so I chose the latter. It was a no brainer; after all, I knew where I was.

Now for the real nonsense (sorry to be long-winded). The bill came, everything was fine, but I noticed the check had 2 spaces for 2 distinct tips. One for the waiter, and one for the captain. Really? I kinda wanted to pull them both aside and say, "here's my table, and over there is another table. I need one waiter here, and I'm guessing they can probably use a waiter over there. One of you stay here....and as for the other server.....get the fuck out of here!"

This notion that you have to tip two separate people for 1 table is where I draw the line. Having been a waiter many times before, I'm a 20% tipper always. But as a patron, I really don't need two guys taking turns disseminating information that one person can do....all for the purpose of slyly trying to get more of a tip out of me. Just give me one affable guy with a pen and I'm good to go. So I just tipped slightly over 20% for the whole bill and jotted a tiny note that read "you guys figure it out". I think this is fair, if you're gonna put me in an awkward situation to decide who should get what kind of tip, I'm just gonna throw it right back your way.

I enjoy fine dining, I really do. It's nice to take an occasion and be served with such care and refinement. I made the mistake of not knowing exactly the kind of place I was getting into. I happens sometimes. No biggie. It was a terrific restaurant and supremely excellent food. I'll just know better about the bullshit protocol next time.

Time for lunch, I think there's an Arby's nearby.

Reality TV

2009-07-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

I was waiting on the subway recently and I saw a billboard for yet another realty show which looked awful, maybe the worst one yet. It's a new show on the Oxygen network called "Addicted to Beauty"....a show about a team of cosmetologists who run a plastic surgery clinic together or some crap (the drama ensues!!!). Really? Really? Are you friggin' kidding me?

Maybe I'm just missing the draw here, but aren't we getting a little bit out of control with this reality fixation? I see billboards for this crap all the time--Tori and Dean, Dance your Ass Off, America's Next Top Model etc. Who gives a shit about any of this? Newsflash, no one cared about Tori Spelling even when she played a semi-retarded drama queen on Beverly Hills 90210 (a role that was probably not a stretch for her). And the only reason people want to see fat people do anything is so that we can make fun of them for doing that thing even though they're fat....pretty sad. As far as the next top model, I don't even think I can name one model........wait, Derek Zoolander! There ya go, I managed to remember one.

This is without a doubt THE lowest point in the history of television, I'm convinced. Nobody wants to write anything anymore; it's just putting the camera on a group of assholes and yelling "action!" Every time I turn around there's a bus with a huge ad for some garbage show that makes me want to puke on the side of the bus. The sad part is that networks that have since been notorious for producing good programming are now falling for the fad of turning the camera on and just letting people act like asses for the masses. Even TLC (the learning channel) now has a show about psychotic "pageant parents"....you know, the kind of parents that put their toddlers and babies in these beauty pageants. I haven't watched one second of it but I've dated a couple girls who were into pageants and let's just say I should kick my own ass for entertaining that. But the parents are worse because it's THEIR ambition, not the child's. I ask TLC, what's to learn from that? How to not be an asshole should have been covered around 10 yrs of age.

So let's try and answer this question: What is the draw for all of this reality programming? On the business side, I can understand the draw completely. Super cheap budget! No script to pay for, no SAG actors to pay, minimal set to build, and absolutely no talent to take care of. It's quite explainable why networks want to do this. But the real question is...why is it successful?

If what I'm saying is true and it's all garbage, then why are people so caught up in it? I'm a grown man but I'd honestly rather sit down for an old skool episode of Count Duckula on Nickelodeon than watch Tori and Dean become bigger jack-offs in front of everyone. But there are millions and millions of viewers that think otherwise. Why?

Can we safely assume that people watch this stuff because they don't have much else going on in their lives? That seems to be quite a safe assumption considering how many alternative options there are to watching some lady bitch out their husband because little Jeanie didn't have the right baton for the competition. Or worse, the other way around! I don't have a ton of respect for video games as a great way to spend your time, but I gotta say that these new reality series are making Madden '10 look like holding hands with FDR on your way to the Smithsonian.

I'm also gonna throw this out there at the risk of offending some of my readers. Have you ever talked to someone who's hooked on reality TV? I'm not talking about the person who's had a bad day at work and plops down to let his brain rot for 10 mintues (even I do that). Rather, I'm talking about the person who cites particular episodes followed by...."I love that show!" I've encountered plenty of these people, even family members, and they all have one thing in common........they don't know what a scantron is! Okay, maybe that's exaggerating, cuz I certainly know plenty of college educated people who watch this stuff. But honestly, if you just told me what happened in the last episode of Rock of Love w/ Bret Michaels, or Sixteen and Pregnant (awful concept by the way), I want to turn my back on you mid-sentence and walk away; never to waste my eyesight on you again.

Obviously, I'm not coming up with any real answer to my question here. I'm not sure if there is just one answer as to why people watch this stuff. It's probably a myriad of reasons. No education? No parental guidance? No mind? No soul? I do not have the answer. I just know there was a time when characters such as Cliff Huxtable and Alex P. Keaton touched the hearts of American TV viewers. Mr. Belvedere was a gentle man, and we were all supportive of Charles being in charge before he went to the dark side of reality TV as well. I'm simply saying that there used to be endearing, positive figures to watch on the small screen. Happy Days were truly happy days back then, and I can think of no other more comforting and encouraging voice, than the voice of Kit in Knight Rider. He looked after Michael, he cared for him.....he was the "Alfred" of Pontiac Firebirds.

Let's go back to these days people! Let's demand better programming from our networks by saying NO to this horseshit they're putting on the screen. Watching this crap will never make you a singer, it'll never make you a dancer, you'll never tryout for the Dallas Cowboys, and never never never will you screw as many rancid, souless, god-forsaken trash-women as Bret Michaels. So just put downt the remote and start reading for a change. My blog is a good place to start........

Guy Flicks

2009-07-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

So nothing really substantive here on this entry...but I was flippin' through the channels last Sunday and good ole' Spike TV was showing a double dosage of Stallone in Rambo. First Blood, followed by First Blood pt. II. Obviously the '81 classic speaks for itself and Brian Dennehy learned some tough lessons in that film, but as I started watching the sequel (1985, same year as Rocky IV), it occurred to me that I hadn't seen this is quite a while and I completely forgot how much ass was kicked by Stallone in that film.

He gets betrayed by his corporeal commander back at the base and left for dead in a Vietnamese prison camp....which was a huge mistake, because Rambo loses it and just starts fucking people up left and right.

The whole thing just made me appreciate being a guy and loving these classic action hero movies that have such a profound impact on a young dude. I'll admit I didn't become Rambo, nor have I fought a Russian boxer nicknamed "The Siberian Express", nor have I fired a machine gun at a transparent alien in the jungles of south America, and I don't have any vale tudo fights in the Kumate. But I could have done all that if I wanted to, I just chose not to........I discovered beer in high school and that's that.

Megachurches

2009-06-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon a very interesting article here on "megachurches"--those churches that comprise thousands of congregates and millions of dollars in their budget, just like Jesus did....oh wait a minute; maybe I have that backwards. Mostly encompassed in the protestant realm, megachurches have grown immensely over the last couple decades with no projected stoppage anywhere in the near future.

As a life-long Christian, I've been in the game a while and have seen and done just about everything that the Christian life and culture has to offer. So much that I'm almost ready to throw in the towel on church attendance altogether or just start showing up at someone's home for a small group study and fellowship. I think it's become quite trendy to rag on the church in general and I always want to stay away from that (or ragging on anyone, since there's ample "material" in my own life). But I gotta wonder if megachurches are really what Christ had in mind when he said "go out from among them".

I think intentions are still mostly good when it comes to these pastors and leadership teams that want to evangelize the world and be the beacons of virtue by seeing the world through God's eyes. However, although God has infinite "wealth", Christ and his followers did not. They were ridiculously poor and totally blue collar. Which means the church didn't start out with the megachurch template. Have they gone terribly awry in their structure? Nothing wrong with money, nothing at all. But when I show up to a megachurch service and I see fog machines on stage (which cost money) and rather brilliant light shows during the "worship" service...I honestly want to puke. There was no showmanship amongst Christ and the early Christians, it was stripped down to bare bones--love God and love you neighbor, just love him! If you can love them with wealth that's great. And please understand there's nothing at all inherently wrong with a performance. I'm a performer and I sleep quite well at night. Nor is a performance totally unrelated to one's spiritual life in my opinion.

But when it comes to organized worship and a time to be meditating on the things above, I don't know, I guess I just find jumbo screens and lazer shows to be completely unspiritual for me. That's fine at a Pink Floyd concert, where, by the way, I find myself being much more spiritually charged (and not because I'm on mushrooms), but in church? Ahhhhhhhh, I just don't know about that.

Some of these pastors have clearly been completely overtaken by the wealth and rock star status that the Christian culture has assigned to them as a result of charismatic personalities, record breaking attendance, and #1 best selling books. Some of these books that are coming out from megachurch pastors are just completely dumbed down "be happy and feel good" pamphlets on how to think positive. They're sluglines at best. I guess even the Christian can sell his soul for a shot at making coin by telling everyone that "it's gonna be okay, God's good." Indeed, I believe he is Good. But this is a very very dull and imcomplete theology that can hurt people as much as it can help people, even more sometimes. I disagree with Marx that religion is merely the opiate of the masses; but he is on to something to some degree. We see it even in the secular world. How to get rich books, how to think positive, THE SECRET, RICH DAD POOR DAD, LIVING THE LIFE YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT. All of this is religion when you think about it. All of it is based on a world view of how to live your life so that everything is okay. Well, the world is not okay and we ought not be okay with the fact that it's not okay. If you think everything is okay, then you're probably not living a real Christian life. If you're not living with frustration and an ache in your soul for what ought to be, you've missed the whole point of being a Christian.

And it pains me to see this kind of simplicity applied to the Christian life. And I think that's the best word to describe the megachurch culture: simplicity. Milk and honey rather than meat and potatoes. Obviously milk and honey has its place, an infant is going to need those nutrients prior to consuming more substantial food, and a seasoned spiritual person no longer can satiate his hunger for God on milk and honey. But whatever stage we're at, we need to grow up eventually. Megachurches, however, seem to want to grow out. The mentality seems to be "let's get as many infants in here as possible, and just stay put", rather than nuturing these infants where they are and then sending them on to a more rigorous "school" if you will.

Again, it's difficult to evaluate where a pastor's heart is really at, or how much good a church is doing at that size; perhaps a ton, perhaps not so much. But I can't imagine that intimacy, humility, moderation, and the quiet life (all the things that Christ preached), are being tended to in a megachurch. When the mighty dollar overtakes theology and fellowship, you don't have a church anymore, you have a business. Last I checked, Christ was unemployed.

Gay Exorcism??

2009-06-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

I saw this online and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. This video here has generated some controversy over a gay teen apparently undergoing some kind of casting out of his gay demons.

There are plenty of horror films about demons. I thought the demon in Creepers was a scary dude. Freddy Kruger could certainly wreak havoc once you fell asleep; not to mention little Damien in the Omen, the Evil Dead series...plus all the "new" demons that we saw in Constantine, Event Horizon, or Drag Me to Hell. But other than David Bowie in Labyrinth, none of these demons gave any indication that they might blow a guy on a coke bender in Atlantic City! Gay demons? Come on. Did we ever see Freddy saddle up at a gay bar and order a round of appletini's? No...no we didn't. It was simply impossible for him to hold a glass. Hell, he couldn't even pay the bartender without cutting that fool.

Did we ever accuse the zombies in Michael Jackson's Thriller video of being gay just because they could dance well? I can see that maybe being a viable claim if only one of them was dancing on a table while the others threw back shots of "purple hooters" and eventually took turns "tuggin'" on that demon (we've all been there). But the thought never crossed my mind.

Come on now church! As a man with religious convictions myself, I can say that I'm ashamed of this behavior. First of all, if you look at the video of the exorcism, they're not even doing it right; so let that be stated right out of the gate. You don't exorcise gay demons in a church. You do it at a monster truck rally while showing a Cinemax feature on the jumbo tron. Now now, I'm convinced these pentacostal do-gooders had the best of intentions. But gayness does not come from Satan or the demonic world. It comes from the Bravo network.

nuff said.

Cancer Benefit

2009-06-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

I recently performed at a highly successful benefit for the American Cancer Society and I'm happy to report that throughout the entire evening, nobody came down with cancer. It was held at a venue in Brooklyn, and I just couldn't help but be touched by the fact that although we live in a post-modern, liberal society with blurred morals...it was so refreshing to be in a room with that many people who are still anti-cancer. I'm not afraid to be a maverick and take some chances on stage. Cancer is wrong and I'm sayin' it!!

I called out that disease like I was Bill Maher calling out the republican party, only I used punchlines and was performing for an audience who could think. In this day and age, it's become perfectly acceptable to put just about anything or anyone in your body, and I for one would like to see cancer continue to stay off that growing list.

It was produced by a good friend of mine who was a cancer survivor (almost didn't make it) and is now a stern facilitator in the fight against this disease. I did a bit about haircuts and looked over at my now bald friend realizing, "hey, maybe a haircut joke isn't such a big hit at a cancer benefit." Nonetheless, the joke got laughs and was used in an appropriate context. It was a great experience and a fine way to donate my time and comedic talents to a worthy cause. I was honored to be a part of it.

Why Would I Do This Job?

2009-06-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

If you've ever perused the online job sites in search of a compelling job that you might want to pursue, then you're probably well aware of the kinda thing I wish to point out--ridiculous job postings.

There's very few good jobs on the internet as it is, most of them offer boring mundane positions in sales or some kind of vague title that only that company has made up "communications analyst" etc. But if the main purpose of a job posting is to serve as an advertisement to attract interested candidates to fill the position, then I gotta wonder what some of these HR idiots are thinking. For instance, I never cease to be amazed at ads like this one:

Executive Assistant to VP North America & Europe / Office Manager

Support VP, Sales Director and sales team of 10 people in day-to-day operation of the office, make all domestic and international travel arrangements for VP, order all office supplies and maintain office equipment, process vendor invoices and assist with mailings, prepare expenses and schedule meetings for VP, faxing, scanning, copying and other general duties, assist with processing employee expenses, assist with various projects as assigned, assist with coordination of company events
Thick skin, turn on a dime, great skills, dedicated, flexible, professional, intuitive
- could have long hours…. Lots of Project Management, strong prioritization, patient!!!!!!
Job is unorganized chaos – someone who needs structure will not be happy.

I took the liberty of highlighting certain sections to illustrate what I'm talking about. Obviously, this is for an Executive Assistant position supporting a big wig. The description is fine until we get to the 2nd bullet point. Take a look at how this is worded and presented. Would any rational person want to take this shitty job?? Let's break it down point for point how I (and any normally intuitive person) would interpret this:

* thick skin - So in other words, you're an asshole who thinks that throwing out a disclaimer that you're an asshole relieves you of any constrictions you would otherwise have to exercise in how you talk to and treat people. You've made it clear in saying this that you're a difficult person to work for...and you think admitting this right out of the gate makes it okay for you to continue to be a colossal prick. After reviewing the position, I'm gonna go ahead and NOT work for you. By the way, go fuck yourself.

* could have long hours - This is what it is...a legitimate disclaimer. However, is that something you really want to advertise? I could see "long hours" being enticing if the job posting was for a Caribbean scuba diver....but for an exec assistant position? Your not offering a dream job here, stupid.....this is a job that is spent doing all the mundane work that you don't have the time or willingness to do, you're advertising for a corporate butler for hell's sake. And that's totally fine, but how it's presented is basically a shortened way of stating "hey, why don't you stay til 8pm tonight and make sure we're all stocked up on sticky pads...that is....after you reply to all of my emails for me." Again, if this was fascinating and fulfilling work, that'd be one thing. But no assistant should be staying past 5:30pm; anywhere.

* patient!!!!!! - Right off the bat, we know that this person who is requiring patience from the candidate is not himself patient...we know this because they tacked on 6 exclamation points to the word. What this indicates is "hey I'm gonna do some things that are either not efficient or chaotic or I might have a garbage personality that makes people want to murder me......but I'm not gonna change those things about me and my work, instead, I'm just gonna ask you to be patient." Again, who would want to work for this person? Remember it's an Exec. Assistant position, so we probably are talking about one person that the candidate reports to--the Exec.

* Job is unorganized chaos - Translation: this gig is shitty and it sucks to work here....hardly anything runs smoothly and we're looking for someone who we can blame it all on because we/I can't seem to get it together.
Again, to the writer of this posting I have to ask...where is your head? Even if it is disorganized, wouldn't you wait to disclaim that further into the interview progress, if at all? No person wants to jump into a place where there's chaos. Why don't you just create the headline "Blame-Welcoming Moron Wanted to Take the Heat for a Shit Show!"

* will not be happy - Really? You don't say!

Now I realize the nature of being an administrative assistant, it's not glorious and there's no reason to paint it any more colorful than it is. But that's just it, everyone knows it's not glorious, so why add kerosene to the fire by adding to this intiutive understanding that not only is it not glorious, but it's truly gonna make you want to blow your head off just by being around the place/people.

I will soon be moving to Montana to work on farm and go fly fishing just so that I can get as far away from this kind of corporate world as possible. Thank you for reading....I have to go stock office supplies now.

Guys Hitting on Girls

2009-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I witness a guy trying to make his way into a woman's life via the "come on". Now I've never been good at this, I had a major dry spell from about age 19-22, and it wasn't until about 23 that I started coming into my own and having some measure of success attracting women. As I've gotten older, my stock is going up and it has become easier. However, never in all this time did I legitimately attempt to "pick up chicks".

My mentality was that I never knew what to say because I convinced myself that there WAS nothing to say; and let's face it, with a cold pick-up, there usually isn't. And thus I remain fascinated by guys who try this. For some time I was envious of dudes who could do it well, until I became mature and discerning enough to know that this type of guy is usually all shell and no substance; once he's conquered what he set out to conquer (you know...), there's not much left to envy about him.

But equally as fascinating and more humorous are the guys who try this before they have come in to their own (which takes a long time for most men). That is, those guys that are trying too hard because they haven't quite blossomed into an interesting person just yet. Case in point, my gorgeous girlfriend (who often is the victim of these incidents, not because she asks for it, she's just really attractive......it happens to all of us...I mean, them) was just recently hit on 3 times in one night on a single subway ride home.

I wasn't with her, but apparently there was a kid who couldn't have been more than 20 yrs old according to her, that asked her for directions, then parted ways, only to track her down on the subway and proceed to ask for her name and where she lived etc. Mind you there was very little conversation before these facts were solicited, so right away he's obliviously crossing the line asking for her name and location right out of the gate (like she's a cadet or some shit?)......this is a sure fire way to get a woman to leave the subway just to get away from your shady persona. You simply don't pull out "where do you live" when on the subway.

Sensing what's happening here, my girlfriend naturally plays the "I have a boyfriend" card. Did I mention she's 26 and this kid's in college still? Anyway, this was not enough for his naive ass to get the picture, so he asks how long she's had a boyfriend. Here is where my girlfriend should have got a little tougher and just told him "none of your business, fuck off little boy"; but she's too sweet for that so she obliged and then check this out......he asks if she's ready to have my children!! At this point my girlfriend should have slapped the shit out of him, but again, she's a doll. According to his theory, if after 11 months of courtship, you're not ready to have your boyfriend's children, then apparently he's not "the one". My girlfriend then got off the train at her stop wishing this wouldn't have happened; and feeling a little bit down on herself for not asserting her privacy and boundaries more sternly with this douche bag.

She told me this story and I couldn't help but shake my head in amusement at the level of stupidity most men (especially young men) have when approaching women. I might have been a late bloomer but at least my dating resume doesn't say DICKHEAD at the top of it. My heart goes out to you ladies, we're a shallow shallow breed sometimes.

Posters

2009-06-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

How come the room poster is no longer relevant today? At what point did it become passe to have a poster on your wall of something cool that you liked? After all, isn't it still your room? Even if you're married, half the room is yours isn't it? So why not throw up a Ravishing Rick Rude poster just for old time sake?

It's a sad time when the poster as a species of art is dying. We've traded in classic images of real things and people for abstract nonsense of two scribbled lines down canvas entitled "two scribbled lines on canvas". Sadly the latter probably costs at least a few grand, meanwhile you could probably pick up a Shawn Kemp poster for $3.50.....or in someone's attic for free.

At any rate, I'm a man and thus collected man-posters.....mansters if you will? And now I'd like to take you dudes (and sisters of these dudes) down memory lane for a look at some classic images that really hit home for me and many many other guys.

On your left is exhibit A....a classic one for many young boys...the holy Ferrari Testarossa. If this wasn't on your wall at age 10, then you weren't dreaming big enough. If you're 60 years old, I'm not talking to you, obviously this glorious machine wasn't invented yet. But if you're like me (late 20's/early 30's), then this car has a very special place in your heart. Where it does not have a special place, is in your driveway. Cuz let's face it, if you have a poster of a Ferrari in your room, you probably don't have a Ferrari. Moving on..........

Exhibit B to your right is one of the most accomplished and progressive athletes in the history of human existence....Macho Man Randy Savage! An Ohio State alumni, this man brought more joy (and suplexes) to the hearts of more young boys than the entire G.I. Joe cast combined. He is a pioneer in the world of professional wrestling and just general kick-ass-ness. He is respected everywhere he goes and can I just say that I'd love to sit down, have a beer with him and talk shop....I may or may not snap into a slim jim.

Keeping the party going........to your left you'll see Exhibit C, another classic sports figure by the name of Michael Jordan. I could do probaby 20 entries on the amount of classic posters that this guy has out there, but I picked a portrait piece that I'm sure you would remember as a young lad....it is called plain and simply "Wings". If you didn't have this poster in your room somewhere in the early 90's....you were gay. Plain and simple. You were a gay young boy on your way to gayness of perhaps an extreme variety. Every kid knew this guy could fly and we wanted to be just like him. I for one still want to be just like him. It is a love affair man-crush that will never end. Although I will say, Lebron and Dwight Howard......well let's just say I would have an affair.

Next we have Exhibit D. A classic portrait of lustful vixen Tawny Kitaen. This was during her reign as a hood ornament sex goddess for the band Whitesnake. They probably all got a piece of that, not to mention the band members from Ratt and countless other hair band members...and a few roadies perhaps. Now I'll admit, this poster was around 1987 or so, so I was only about 9 years old and not aware of the kind of effect she could have on a man. But I threw it up here anyway as an ode to men slightly older than me that were coming into to their teenage years when she was frolicking around.

Now contrast that pic with this other one on your left. Obviously this is not the headshot her agent is submitting for TV and print work; however, it is a headshot nonetheless. This was taken just shortly after her arrest from kicking then ace pitcher Chuck Finley in the face with a high heel. Perhaps he didn't have enough track marks on his arm or enough tattoos to make her happy. This is not a coveted poster from back in the day, I threw it up purely for the joke. I hope it was worth it.

Moving on...now we come to a personal favorite of mine being born and raised in San Diego. Exhibit E, the classic big wave poster. I have no idea where this shot was taken, probably in Hawaii somewhere, perhaps the North Shore? But I had tons of these on my wall and although I didn't aspire to be a pro surfer, I do love the sport and will pick it back up when I'm living on the coast again some day. Plus waves are just aesthetically appealing in general.

And lastly but certainly not least, we arrive at one of the earliest depictions of the male psyche......please welcome to the show, exhibit F...the classic beast/animal poster. This is a sample of something I would have had in my room. I enjoyed birds of prey a great deal, as well the entire big cat genre. If you went with a Zebra or a Giraffe, well, I'm not gonna say you were gay, but you had better have had that Michael Jordan "Wings" poster also up in your room; or yes, you were in fact gay. However the irony is that although having this poster up in your room at age 8 meant that you were NOT gay; if you still have it up....then you are clearly now gay. Try solving that puzzle. The beast poster brings out the wildness and untamed spirit that a young man should have from ages 5 - 14 I would say. I've always appreciated the majesty of such a pose that this bad-ass lion is striking. After all, every man wants to have the heart of a lion.

So there you have it. All of these images combined played an integral role in many dudes' lives. We are all probably blind to the kind of effect they had on us. They have helped shape me into the kind of man I am today. I know I know....if that's indeed true, there should be a poster of sarcasm somewhere. But that's an abstract concept...you can't photograph it. See? I can be literal too.

A Srange News Feature

2009-06-04T07:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm perusing the online news sites as I usually do in the morning, and I come across the weirdest headline...."Never Before Published Hitler Photographs!"

Now I ask you, who wouldn't want to check out some new and previously exclusive pics of one of the most sinister and revolting figures in human history? Answer: probably no one.

But I took a gander at a couple, just for morbid curiosity's sake. My favorite of the four that I could stomach was entitled A Nazi Christmas Party. Wonder what that was like? I could see some awful and corny joke cracking at the dinner table...
"Adolf...can you pass the Jew? Oh wait, there aren't any here." (group laughter ensues).

Maybe if I scrolled through more I would see Hitler at the Hard Rock in Vegas, A Nazi Spring Break in Cancun, or perhaps some pics from his wedding album Hitler and Hatred...together forever.

This is a strange feature, I can't quite figure out why that would be considered newsworthy. Needless to say, I don't think that online article is gonna get many hits in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. But it probably shouldn't get many hits period.

Anyway........these are the things that I notice

Pranks Going Too Far?

2009-06-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a comedian, so I'm a big fan of jokes...let that be said on the record. But I saw this image to the right and was a bit taken aback. What you're seeing is a mostly naked Sacha Baren Cohen taking a dive into Eminem's lap and basically forcing a "69" position on him out of nowhere.

Apparently the white rapper was infuriated and stormed out of the MTV movie awards. On a personal note, I happen to think there are plenty of reasons to storm out of the MTV movie awards....the main one being that you're at the MTV movie awards.

Anyway, so this royal prankster descends from the rafters, fakes an entanglement so that he ends up inverted, and then takes a nose dive into Eminem's crotch...all the while wearing a thong. Really? Force feeding your junk on some other dude's face in the middle of a huge high-profile crowd? Eminem was pissed and rightfully so. There's quality pranks that get everyone laughing, and then there's just blatant lewdness and line-crossing. If you want to be a jackass and take the stage in a thong because that's all you can think of to be funny....that's one thing, but to force your junk on another man's face? That's a splendid way to get your ass kicked in a hurry!

Sacha Baron Cohen is a fine actor and has a gift for comedy, for sure. But my respect for him is plummeting because it seems that lewdness is all he can do. He's clearly in the market to shock. And anyone who makes a career out of shocking others horrendously (and most of the time, this shocking is done with offense) has a lucent insecurity that needs fixing. I'm reminded of a scene in Borat about the meek family who owned the antique shop, and his character performed a series of ridiculous falls and he bascially trashed this couple's store. All for what? A hardy chuckle? That was their living and he basically trashed it in order to give us a glimpse into his soul.

In the world of comedy, I fear we're navigating toward a mentality that says "everything is funny, no matter what!" This is ridiculous. Not everything is funny. Purposeful humor requires thought and intellectual talent. If you can't be funny and draw positive attention without crossing over into some innocent person's territory and using that as currency to buy your laugh, then you're not really funny, you're not offering anything...you're just an asshole who wasn't hugged enough growing up. Think harder.

More Unworthy News...

2009-06-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

I was in my room last night and overheard the TV...Geraldo was reporting that Susan Boyle (Britain's Got Talent) was apparently rushed to the hospital and was suffering from exhaustion.
It was really a compelling piece, emmy award winning journalism...I wish you all could have heard it.

See my below rant if you're not picking up on the sarcasm.

It's True Folks....Here In America, We Just Don't Care Enough About Celebrities

2009-05-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Can somebody please tell me why American Idol is entertaining? I'm open to discussion because I cannot figure out the draw. Maybe I'm just not that interested in someone else's success or perhaps I just don't like watching people be judged by the likes of Paula Abdul...though to her credit, she is mostly positive and not a cold-hearted snake.

We've even become obsessed with talent shows over seas! These are people that we didn't even breed as a nation and yet we cannot stop watching it, talking about it on stupid morning radio, and writing about it. And now I'm forced to write about it, and that chaps my hide (when was the last time you said "chaps my hide"....if ever? Think about it, I'm bringin' it back).

And it's getting worse, I noticed an entire article the other day dedicated to the minute, banal factoid that Susan Boyle disagreed with a judge's statement and may have raised her middle finger. Really? We're gonna write a whole article on that and report the disagreement? Who gives a crap!! Am I missing something here? Are celebrities and entertainers more important than I'm giving them credit for? And keep in mind at this point, these people are only POTENTIAL rock stars; for the most part they're flash in the pan puppets that are yesterday's news, sometimes a literal day later.

I can't think of anyone who's had a truly respectable career coming out of this stupid show and the offshoots its spawned. Kelly Clarkson has had a pretty solid career, she was the very first winner; but let's not forget, her music sucks! But how bout her counterpart Justin Guarini? Exactly, I didn't remember him either, had to look him up. Point is nobody remembers these people after the spotlight is off them. Rueben Studdard? Where the hell is he? He actually won, and yet his loafer-light opponent Clay Aiken is still more popular........and that's only because he announced that he's gay. Once again, who friggin' cares! You don't get extra attention for being gay.

Isn't it just pathetic that some people are famous merely for being famous? Lindsey Lohan, both Simpson sisters, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton etc. I can't name one artistic contribution from one of these people....granted, I don't pay attention, but yet I know of them and about them and I should because they don't DO ANYTHING!

I had some guy not too long ago mention something he saw on VH1, something about Amy Winehouse being in the news, and when I seemed like I didn't know who she was (and essentially asking, why is this important?), he responded, "dude, you don't know who Amy Winehouse is?"
"No I don't, sorry.....see, you watch VH1 apparently, so I stopped listening to you as soon as you mentioned that awful habit in your life. Secondly, she's on VH1, so her music probably sucks and she's more famous for who she's screwed while on bender at the Viper Room on the sunset strip, and lastly......I'm gonna get back to work.

"You mean, you don't watch American Idol?"

"No.........I read."

It's tiresome and pitiful to hear and read people going on and on about celebrities for the sake of their celebrity.

Shoot me. Shoot me now.

Strange Advertisement

2009-05-29T06:15:00.000-07:00

I wish I could post a link to this or give you some kind of illustration, but there simply is none....it's just something I saw when I was driving.
I'm on the highway in Florida recently and I saw a huge billboard off the road that was advertising for a hospital. I had never seen an ad for a hospital, I didn't even know that was necessary. Business must not be quite that good lately, apparently the economy is even slowing down peoples' sickness and ailments!

I'm picturing the marketing director for this hospital, not sure what that would look like during a campaign meeting, "Okay everyone, we need to find a way to get more people into this hospital. Swine flu and cancer are dated strategies...we need to go out there and starting hurting people!"

The kicker was that the highlight of the billboard was for their ER. And the strategy was to post their current wait time in the ER. I guess this is helpful if you're driving and you just happen to be in the market for a good ER. But on the whole, if you have an emergency, I don't think you're gonna be sifting through the yellow pages trying to find the shortest wait time. I don't know anyone who at any point in their lifetime has "shopped around" for a good ER.
"Hey listen, my kids head is bleeding profusely...I'm wondering if maybe you could recommend a good ER that I could take her to? Which one? Oh St. Lukes?......ehhhhh, kinda don't like their snack options in the vending machine, what else you got?"

NBA Playoffs

2009-05-20T07:45:00.001-07:00

It gotta say, when Michael Jordan left the league back in the day, my interest in the NBA dropped significantly. I love the game, probably more than any other sport, but this playoff season is the first that I've made it a point to tune into in a very long time.

Kobe stepped it up in last night's Laker game, he has an innate ability, similar to Jordan, to take over a game when it's on the line. We'll see what Denver can offer them at the Staples center on Thursday.

But let's talk about Lebron James for a moment. GROWN-ASS MAN is all I can say. He is undoubtedly the most exciting player to watch in the NBA and brings an accelerated athleticism to the game that I personally haven't seen since Jordan. He is a fully developed adult of the male species. The Cavaliers have been kinda floating through their playoff games with relative ease compared to their colleagues, and it has largely been due to the fact that Lebron is a full-grown man out there. There's no question he can rent a car whenever he wants, and he's not even 25 yet.

It's my opinion that he could score just about every time he has the ball, or at least end up at the free throw line. He's not a selfish player, however, and thus we see him dish the ball just as much as he dunks it. But his athleticism is absolutely through the roof. It angers me just watching him. He plays 4 nights a week and can leap through the ceiling and still go to a dance club later that night and nail at least a couple of girls. And what do I do after a game? I play three on three for an hour and am home icing my shins and feet, complaining that I should have called a "jump ball" even though what really happened was that my opponent just took the ball from me.....straight out of my little girl's grip!

Lebron James and any other athlete that's 'better than me can go straight to hell.

Okay I realize that blog entry took a turn to negative town, but as I was writing I got frustrated.

Bloopers

2009-05-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

Found this in the NY Times sports section today.......a fun little article taking us back to some of the greatest (and frankly funniest) base running errors we've ever seen in baseball.
My personal favorite being the guy who got picked off at first, ending game 2 of the '74 series. The only thing that would have made it funnier was if it was game 7.

You Haven't Seen That?

2009-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a pop culture guru and a pretty big movie buff with a ridiculous encyclopedic memory for details that most people don't pick up on or don't bother to find out about. Why? Because they shouldn't, it's useless knowledge. And I'm not talking about Kelly McGillis' next big role after she filmed Top Gun kinda knowledge (it was 1987's Witness by the way, opposite Harrison Ford). I'm talking about being able to spot a young Nicholas Cage (then known as Nicholas Coppola) in 1982's Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He had no lines, a couple brief cameos, one of which was flippin' burgers at the fictitious "All American Burger".

These are items of knowledge that I don't expect everyone to know, hardly anyone really. But what does a guy like me do when he's dating someone for 8 months and he finds out that his girlfriend hasn't seen Back to the Future? Is that grounds for a break-up? I think it's pretty close....the aforementioned Top Gun being an equally offensive "not-seen". Part of it is my fault for not being up front with her right away about my deal-breakers.

My girlfriend is an absolute treasure, but when I found out that Back the Future had somehow missed her radar, I about lost it. Of course it followed as no surprise that Teen Wolf, a true classic, had also not made the roster of FRIGGIN' AWESOME MOVIES THAT EVERYONE SHOULD SEE. Now both of these problems have been rectified and we're doing much better in our relationship because of it. She just sat down, by herself mind you, and watched the Back the Future Trilogy without stopping. I was so proud of her, but still wanted to wag the finger like "what took you so long?" I was also proud of her for sitting through Predator with me when we were dating early on...that one scored huge points with me because it epitomizes a "guy's movie". Now if I can just get her to tackle Roadhouse and maybe one of the Porky's flicks, I'll marry her tomorrow. In an attempt to play fair and broaden my own cinematic horizons, I played the good boyfriend and sat through Thoroughly Modern Millie and The Devil Wears Prada....everyone makes mistakes.

All I'm saying really is that I have a mild problem when I find out that someone has not seen a movie like Back to the Future or The Breakfast Club (or anything John Hughes directed). I can handle it if you don't know that Under Seige 2 took place on a train instead of a battleship. I can muster the energy to still sit at the bar with you even though you didn't catch Ace Ventura. Even still, I can allow ignorance when it comes to Alyssa Milano's very young role in Commando (way before she went vampy in Poison Ivy 2).

But if movies like Swingers, Teen Wolf, Caddyshack, or Uncle Buck have missed your radar.......then let's sit down and hash this out for the sake of our relationship.

Seriously?

2009-05-08T06:22:00.000-07:00

For now I just want to point out that this was apparently newsworthy......click here for the article.

The Battle of Puebla

2009-05-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today is Cinco De Mayo and I know I'm not the only one who has thought to blog about this mysterious and historically misunderstood holiday. I think it's probably close to common knowledge by now that Cinco De Mayo, despite its affect on 20-something urban Americans, is NOT Mexico's independence day.

That day would be Sept. 16th which is when it is celebrated in Mexico. This is a good thing because it means that Mexico knows when its own independence day is. The Cinco De Mayo holiday commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely defeat of French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862

I kinda like the fact that they are content letting their misinformed northern neighbors go on celebrating the wrong holiday; as if to say, "yeah keep celebrating you stupid gringos...you got the day wrong but thanks for paying attention and caring about our country's history. Just for that, we're gonna laugh at you being wrong, shake our heads, and not say anything."

In Mexico, May 5th, though significant in Mexico's history as a day when they whooped some French ass, is a rather arbitrary day when it comes to celebrating however. According to Wikipedia, the most trusted name in the world of information, Cinco De Mayo has a very limited significance in Mexico. Now if it were the U.S. that was outnumbered against the French and we came back and dominated, you can almost guarantee that we would have the day off......perhaps even a 4 day weekend kinda holiday.....you know, because we hate the French.

The real people who feel independent on Cinco De Mayo, are the young white people who go out and get plastered on margheritas until they think they're Mexican. Next time you're out on Cinco De Mayo, take a look around and tell me if you see any Mexicans "going big" on several pitchers of Dos Equis Amber. If you live in NYC like me, you're likely to just see 5 girls straight out of college deciding "should I get the strawberry, or should I get mango".....and they will all be white chicks.

I guess I'm just too cool for school or something. I have some latant inclination to not celebrate things that neither I nor my heritage had nothing to do with. I've done nothing historically significant and nor has anyone in my family. The fact that I'm an ethnic mut means that I have nothing to really cling on to. I might as well get absolutely pasted on bastille day or flag day! Don't misunderstand me, you might very well catch me drinking Guiness on St. Patrick's day, or even throwing back a few dozen Corona's on Cinco De Mayo.......but I'm not really celebrating that, I'm just celebrating "thursday". Because that's the life and heritage I've been dealt.

So be it though, don't let that stop you from celebrating any holiday with which you have no connection. Happy Battle of Puebla day!

A Face Tattoo

2009-05-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is definitely worth writing a little something about as it was my first time seeing this. I've always heard about this either secondarily or just conceptually but now I actually have witnessed the phenomenon and have experienced the glory--the glory of a face tattoo.

Now I know perhaps Mike Tyson's decision was just less than sound, but I got on the subway last night and this dude walks in with a FULL face tattoo.......forehead, ocular regions, nose, lips, cheeks and chin all had ink on them. The first thing that came to my mind was, "So you're saying then.....that you don't have a job interview tomorrow?"

I found myself angered at his decision. Not sure why...it's his face, but I think maybe the fact that he was forcing it on everyone and making me feel uncomfortable just to look in his direction, like he would jump down my throat and say "What the hell are you looking at?
"Well....your face tattoo actually."

He had his girlfriend with him and that just made me think, "Pal, you better enjoy her and treat her right cuz if she breaks up with you (which she should) the odds of you 'getting yourself out there' are slim to none."

Clearly if you do that to your face, you are purposely making a statement. So why not just tattoo the actual message you're trying to send on your face? Why not just have it say, "I don't get along with my dad." or...."Too many lunches alone in high school". I really cannot fathom what someone must have gone through in life to make that kind of decision.

Shouldn't it be illegal? Think about it, if a cop pulls you over and asked for i.d., how are they going to recognize you with a full tattoo covering up your face? Unfortunately I don't think the police can simply hand out tickets for poor decisions otherwise problem solved. Unless of course he had that face tattoo at the DMV when when he got his license issued and had the picture taken.

Either way I think witnessing this is a powerful lesson for everyone.........hug your children!

Show Tonight....

2009-05-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

What to do when you have a performance but are feeling ill? My voice feels like doo doo and yet I have to sing for about 2 1/2 hours tonight. I hope I can do justice to the 80's music I'm forced to sing.

What would Steve Perry of Journey think if he heard my voice crack trying to sing one of his splendid melodies. Well, I think he would laugh at me either way for even attempting to replicate what only he can do.

Eddie Money on the other hand would probably be proud considering these days he sounds like Janis Joplin with bronchitis.

But I'm gonna suck it up and get the show on the road.

This post sucked.

Working Out

2009-04-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's amazing the kind of excuses I'll come up with for not exercising. Even as I walk to the gym it still permeates throughout my mind. Just yesterday in fact, I got the to the door of the gym and almost walked away, now understand that I made the effort to go all the way down there, subway ride and all, only to get at the door and almost cop out of my work out because I thought throwing in a load of whites would be the better way to spend my time.

But I sucked it up and went inside. "I'm gonna do some cardio," I thought to myself. And then I realize I don't have my ipod to listen to tunes while I breath heavily and go nowhere on an "arc trainer". But I figure whatever, just have to go without. So I get on the arc trainer and start punching in my time, weight, workout type etc....and then I pause. I just stood there and paused for about 12 seconds, looked down and then guess what happened?

I bailed. I just said "screw this! I don't want to do this today...not feelin' it. And I grabbed my bag and walked away. I had two people, one on each side of me, wondering what the hell they just witnessed--ME GIVING UP. I was in and out of the gym with no workout in what was probably 4-6 minutes. Has anyone ever gone to the gym to NOT workout? Cuz I just did it yesterday. Apparently I just wanted to pop in, swipe my access card and then turn around and walk out just for kicks. It was really sweet to see the front desk person's expression on her face after she just saw me walk in 4 minutes earlier.

"Remember me, I just swiped my card a few minutes ago. Yeah, just wanted to check the towel supply and weigh myself apparently."

"Hey, how you doin' today? You mind if I just stare at one of the treadmills for a few minutes? I'll be in and out, won't bother anybody."

Walking home I realized how mentally weak I am not to commit myself to a 25 minute mild workout without headphones. Even as I write this I'm thinking about how much I do not want to make up for it today by going back there. Part of me is really wishing there will be some pickup basketball games in the gym so that I don't have to hop on that damn arc trainer and pretend that I like it. Who wants to stay in one place and sweat? Whoever invented the stationary cardio machine is both genius and a real dumbass at the same time.

So if you're ever feeling bad that you can wuss out on a workout too easily, just look me up online and see the face of a man who literally walked in the gym, stared at a treadmill like Rainman counting toothpicks, and walked out shamefully with people staring at him thinking "nice willpower dude...you should climb back up the tree with all the other sloths."

The UFC and Their Fighters....Part II

2009-04-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

The show is just filled with jackasses and idiots who have the most sophomoric and barbaric sense of how to conduct oneself around other human beings...even if they're martial arts fighters. And here's the thing, I can see if you were going for funny and the joke just kinda fell flat. But it's not even slighty humorous, it's just amazingly stupid all over the place. It's gone waaaaaay past some kind of blue collar mentality; we're talking about 12-14 dudes that literally can't do long division!

And here's the thing....even if I'm wrong, and I'm not....but even if I am and these guys are upstanding citizens, then all one needs do is turn the blame to the producers of this show who are clearly making them pull these shenanigans. Here I will come to the fighters' defense. You'd have to be just as big of an idiot as these fighters to not see that much of the show content is staged and partially scripted by TV producers that are trying to get ratings. I guarantee you the producers are encouraging a character like Junie Browning to act up and make it "interesting". What would really be interesting is if someone hog-tied that idiot, dragged him to his knees, put a shot gun in his mouth and blew the back of his head out. I guess the real question is, would he notice?

But I digress. Dana White is the president of the UFC and the executive producer of The Ultimate Fighter. No doubt a shrewd and tough business man, but this man is also an incredible tool at the end of the day. He knows how to run his organization, but I think the overall mentality we see in the UFC is merely a reflection of Mr. White setting the bar fairly low himself. The man can't answer a question or do a 30 second interview with dropping f-bombs all over the place. I myself don't have the most flowery language on a daily basis, but I know when to clean it up and I would think an accomplished tycoon like Dana White would know this as well. Apparently not. It's no wonder the meat-head toolbox mentality runs rampant amongst the athletes...their president is one of them.

The sad irony here is that Mr. White is constantly finding himself in defense of the sport and its participants and for good reason--the people involved are not people you want to hang out with. I'm not talking about judging a book by it's cover, I'm talking about people who can't even read the cover! I'm talking about people that can't spell "cover". And my response to Dana White's incessant plea to be taken seriously by mainstream sports culture is simply, "What do you expect when you cultivate a such negative and elementary aura surrounding the sport?

Exactly what kind of reaction do you expect from established journalists, politicians, city officials, and even fans when a guy is allowed to throw an empty pint glass at another man and is rewarded for it by giving him another chance....and another and another? When you show guys urinating on another man's watermelon and then seeing that oblvious man take a huge bite....did you think that kind of garbage is going to capture the respect and legitimacy you're seeking on a national if not worldwide level?"

The UFC is huge already, huge! Many many fans such as myself watch it regularly and even pay to watch it. But this president wants to get even more attention and grow this sport even larger; which is fine. But Mr. White, your talent for doing so is at an absolute end until you shake your gym-rat jock-tool mindset and start thinking about the way you're shaping the culture in your own organization. Male viewers are your target, yes. So I can understand a little shallowness and hijinks from time to time....that's part of entertainment and even I can appreciate some potty humor from time to time (if it's smart). But enjoy your cultural ceiling if that's all you are capable of producing from the majority of your fighters. There will never be a cap on athleticism and the spirit of competition, the UFC has demonstrated this ten-fold. But there is always a cap on tolerance f0r poor character and a "thug-ish", idiotic mentality and, unfortunately, this too has been equally demonstrated. Maybe the UFC should team up with the Hip-Hop industry and they can all go take the SAT together?

The UFC and Their Fighters....Part I

2009-04-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

Last night the 4th episode aired of the hit reality show The Ultimate Fighter on SpikeTV. I have to say this show is going down-hill very fast and has gone from positively entertaining to simply insulting for anyone who graduated high school (depending on the high school). Mind you I got hooked on watching UFC fights a number of years ago through the conduit of this reality show. It's literally the only reality show I've allowed my brain to melt on over the years. But no more.

Let me first say that I'm a fan of the UFC--big time. I like the sport for what it is, I like the action, I admire the competitors and the things they can do with their bodies, and I simply find it highly entertaining. This wasn't always the case, however. Back in the early 90's when it first rose to recognition, I thought it was appalling and it was.....nothing but bar brawlers and thugs in a cage. Put plainly, it was human cock-fighting. However, over the last ten years or so it has certainly become a sport with some of the most intricate and consequential strategy involved and it's been a really nice evolution to notice and be a part of as a fan.

But as I've continued to watch the show The Ultimate Fighter, I've gotten to see the culture and mindset of these fighters at a much closer range. I must say I'm growing increasingly unimpressed. Being a tremendous athlete is a great thing....not being able to read aloud as an adult?....not so great. Imbecile is the most encompassing word I can think of to describe most of these fighters. There are certainly intelligent men fighting in the UFC, some with college degrees and even a few with graduate degrees. But unfortunately these terrific ambassadors are the minority and they have to stand side by side (and toe to toe) with these other cretins that respresent the sport.

I think one would have to formulate an exceptional argument to counter the claim that something must have gone wrong in his childhood for a man to want to be a UFC fighter. For if competition was the only thing driving these men, surely they would have picked another sport? I watch these guys and I can tell right away that daddy didn't give out enough hugs and neither did mom. There was clearly no playing catch or going to the zoo or even watching television as a family. I mean, how do you explain the watching of a great show like Family Ties and then going out and beating people up? Granted, there was an episode where Alex disrespected his family upon moving to NYC, caused a little anger even in me as a 10 yr old, but they settled it, he apologized and it was a great season finale!

No sir, these fighters generally come from really screwed up households and upbringings that have led to a leniency towards violence. Most of them grew up fighting in their neighborhoods and just generally being thugs with clearly no parental authority teaching them respect, patience, self-sacrifice, or humility. For most (not all) of these men, the innate human need to feel worthy of attention and respect has found its vehicle in violence; and by no fault of their own.

How hard is it to avoid a fist-fight really? I mean, I don't consider myself a tough guy by any means, I've had a couple fights in my life, but I can honestly say that all of them could have been avoided if I wasn't so prideful or had simply used better judgement at the time. My fight count should be zero. But nor do I consider myself a wuss when it comes to standing up for myself. I live in the Big Apple where people are pissing me off on a daily if not hourly basis. I've been absolutely enraged by some of the things I've seen and experienced...but not once has it come to blows.

Fortunately many of these men, once engulfed in the sport, have turned their attitudes around and have found an outlet for this anger through the sport of mixed martial arts. But it really is a shame that it took cage fighting to actually calm them down in normal society! I'll give credit here where credit is due, but I still contend that even this positive strain of the fighting culture is overshadowed by what we see on a show like The Ultimate Fighter.

to be continued....

More Economy Stuff.....

2009-04-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to spend my blog time writing about stuff that every columnist is writing about...such as this hellish economic crisis we're in. But I'm just gonna chime in briefly about a commercial I saw endorsing Michael Bloomberg's plan for New York City.

I'll admit I tune out a bit when it comes to political advertisements, and by "tune out" I mean I go stick my head in the broiler until it's over, but I did catch something toward the end of this commercial which just illustrates once more (not that we need further evidence) how absolutely full of crap politicians are. Towards the end they put some text up and along with narration, it stated "....will create or save 400,000 jobs!"

This was fascinating to me and so I immediately stopped to ponder the statement I just heard....
And in conclusion I established the following critical thought........Wait, you mean to tell me that this economic plan will either save or create 400,000 jobs?
Let me make sure I understand this effect.....your plan will either create 400,000 jobs, or it will do fucking nothing!! So what you're saying is that either "x" number of jobs will be created, or your plan will have no affect whatsoever.

Man that is solid! Thank you Bloomberg. Glad you're not creating a plan that will lose 400,000 jobs. That's like saying, "hey, here's what I'm thinking, either we meet up tonight for a bite to eat....or we just eat seperately."

Why even mention eating separately as an option? If you don't meet up for a bite, if follows logically that you will eat separately...so just don't mention the neutral effect, no one gives a damn about that.

Domino's

2009-04-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

I read an interesting article today about the fate of Domino's Pizza. Apparently a couple of nefarious employees thought it would be fun to pull some hygencially questionable shenanigans in the kitchen while preparing some food for delivery. But........they also decided to video tape it. Read the article:

Pranks show how clever or immature you might be. Filming the prank shows how creative or bored you might be. But posting a video of you violating health standards at your work place just shows a level of stupidity that illustrates why you are working at Domino's.

This of course begs the question, "does Domino's even have a health standard?" Does anyone even eat Domino's pizza unless it's 2am and you're trashed out of your mind? The 24-hr delivery policy alone simply barks the statement "Is the room spinning? Give us a call!" "Are you vearing off the road? Give us a call if you make it home!"

No offense to anyone who eats at Domino's, sometimes that's all you can do. Living in New York, I tend to fall back on a consistent alternative option called ANY OTHER PIZZA THAT'S AVAILABLE. Residing in NYC does make it hard to justify ordering Domino's when there's so many mom and pop pizza joints just around the corner. But I digress.

This story was about two very dumb people who were obviously bored at work. A recent Domino's spokesman had this to say about the tragedy, “Even people who’ve been with us as loyal customers for 10, 15, 20 years, people are second-guessing their relationship with Domino’s, and that’s not fair.” Again I ask, does one really need 10 years to second guess their relationship with Domino's? I just need til the following morning, or pretty much right after my last slice. It's amazing to me that when these things happen some spokesman or GM is shocked and appauled. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that these employees (or any fast food employees) were not recruited at a job fair at Princeton. I myself have been fired from a fast food chain for some unfortunate instances. However, my firing was over something much more mature and honorable.......my drawer came up short $25. I was asked to turn in my drive thru headset--a sad memory to this day--and leave the premises.

I think this is a lesson to all fast food workers.....STAY IN SCHOOL.

Babies

2009-04-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

I want to start off my thoughts by saying that as a general rule, I'm a fan of children. But why is it that whenever there's a baby in the room people feel the need to relate to the tiny human somehow? We gather around him or even wait our turn to hold him or play with him. There seems to be this incessant need to score points with the child even though it can't even rationalize what's happening around him.

It could be that people feel a need to show off their baby skills to other adults. I can say with honesty that I am guilty of this. I'm a 30-yr old single man, and if there's other single women in the room and a baby as well, I'm prone to show off how sensitive and nurturing I can be with a baby in the hopes that this will cause a strong desire in one of these women to one day perhaps make a baby with me. Course, if it starts crying and I start to get flustered, I'll either hand if off, or if no one is looking, I'll just leave the baby on the kitchen floor if it comes down to it. But what I'm saying is that most of us have this inclination to over-exert energy on a baby that isn't ours.

Where my interest in this endeavor stops is when I feel like I have to compete for time with the baby or try to show someone else up with my baby skills. I will not compete for time with the child nor do I have much tolerance for someone who is hogging the baby in what is usually an attempt to "show off". After all, really new babies are not that interesting so when you're spending more than 2 minutes with a newborn that's not yours, you're just putting on a facade. If the baby is being inundated with attention from 1 or 2 specific persons, I'll simply bail on the situation and pay no heed to this spoiled child. I'll just grab another beer and keep driving.

But what's most interesting however is when strangers want to talk or ask about your baby. "Ohhh, he's so cute, how old is he? Is momma taking you for a stroll today? You look so cute in your little pj's....yes you do!"

And you're like, "okay, can we end this charade please, I don't know you and I got shit to do, I'd like to get on with my day."

The stranger means well of course, but for the most part, that's merely 4 minutes of your time that you're not gonna get back. You're gonna part ways with this person and never see them again, so my take on this kind of interaction is...let's just not even do it. You see a baby, he's cute, he's cuddly, great...now keep it to yourself. When you're up all night nursing him and wiping his explosive behind, then you've earned some time to share your sentiments. Not until then.

Even worse is something that I often see here in New York on the streets and subways; which is REALLY strange looking people (often homeless people) that try to flirt with someone else's baby and its mother. I think if you're missing a shoe and haven't bathed in a week, you absolutely forfeit your right to talk to a baby or her momma. There's something non-intuitive about missing some important teeth and yet still trying to connect socially with a mom and her baby. Indeed, there's a certain physical appearance that you have to keep up if you want to approach a baby, and I"m sorry, but if your left foot is swollen 5 times it's normal size to the point where your tearing your own shoe and you're wearing Frankenstein's blazer....no deal!

"Oh...it's a little baby....hello little baby....and how are we doing today mom?"

"Not good......could you never talk to me again please? See, I'm a mother with a baby which makes me very defensive generally, and when you approach me with cheddar sauce on your beard and a Ralph Lauren cologne called "My Ass", it kinda throws me into panic mode. So if I could just get you to go away and mix in a shower, that'd be swell."

This is never said aloud, but is rattling around in the mother's 'head for sure. I think it's not asking much for everyone to just lay off the baby attention a little bit. I know they're super cute and there's something virtuous about their tenderness and innocence--all good things. I'm simply saying that if the kid's not yours, let's not overdue it and assume roles that don't belong to you.

What is a Job?

2009-04-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

Currently I'm employed which is more than most people can say right now. I would not want to be "out there" scrambling for jobs that really aren't there. Looking for a job in any climate is really an arduous task and one that I find about as fun as going feet-first into a wood chipper. But it's especially grueling right now because even with optimal experience, skills, and impeccable resumes/portfolios, the windows of opportunity are incredibly scarce.

I think the government should intercede and fire everyone from their jobs right now. Let's all just start over and go back to working with our hands. I for one, enjoy that kind of work to a significant extent. The sense of satisfaction in having actually created or built something has got to be universally more appealing than doing research and then converting a document to a PDF file. Let's bring back the milk man, the farmer, and the cobbler....yes, the cobbler--one who does shoe repair. Surely there's virtue in quitting the day job (or lately, getting laid off) and going back to the drawing board where it all began....handling fire and make-shift tools and wondering what can be done with them.

No longer will it be these hedge fund jack-offs running the show. From here out let it be the man who builds the best treehouse or fort....let him be king! Let the man who owns the most horses be considered the most wealthy. Let's go back to plundering small villages and taking women as we please, surely this would even be empowering to the lesbian community.

Okay maybe that's a bit too far, but you get the idea. Returning to simple and basic living wouldn't be such a bad concept. Let's get back to building and creating and cease in our habits of strictly buying, selling and trading. If you don't believe how serious I am about this, then you should know that I just opened up a lemonade stand right by my desk and have sold 3 cups! Tomorrow I might build a go-cart and haul some ass down the streets of Harlem....of course, I'll have to put some sick rims on that thing, it might get stolen but I'm not afraid to put "the club" on it either.

All we need to do is come down from our lofty place of borrowing and trading and get back to a place where owning some livestock meant something in the world. I'm gonna go grind some corn now.

On Ideas

2009-04-01T11:11:00.001-07:00

I sit here and try to crank out a brief piece of interesting literature once a day. It isn't always once a day and it isn't always interesting. But I try. I often wonder though, how far "trying" can get someone in the world of ideas. How hard must a writer try to put something on paper that's interesting to read? How long must songwriter sit with his instrument before some melody comes to him that is worth expounding on? How hard must a scientist or philosopher think to come up with an orginal theory?

There's some best selling literature out there right now that is tackling these concepts far better and exhaustively than I intend to. Nevertheless, reading books like Outliers and The Tipping Point (both by Malcolm Gladwell), though helpful in understanding the why of execution, don't really serve as a how-to formula for generating and marketing something good. It's not that simple. In fact, Gladwell's main overarching thesis to his books are that it's truly NOT that simple; there's so much that goes into a successful idea and often it literally seem to arrive ex-nihilo. But I wish not to indulge in analysis of these works or attempt to critique or re-formulate the ideas behind them. Rather, as usual, I wish to complain. Being a comedian by nature, God has gifted me with a keen observational sense that allows me to look at the world, notice what's wrong, and then essentially complain about it in a humorous and relatable way.

My main complaint on ideas is that you cannot generate them on purpose. This is a huge problem for any creative type; you simply never know where ideas come from or when they're gonna strike...let alone a good one. Granted, you can do things and put yourself in situations that are conducive to inspiration and reflection but ultimately the actual idea seems to come about randomly, from no purposeful source. Even just a moment ago when I sat down to write this blog; I always wonder "what's interesting to write about today". I drew suck a huge blank that, as you can see, I ended up writing about the fact that I often don't know what to write about.

In my field--the creative arts--I have nothing by my own mind to rely on which is a downright scary scenario in and of itself. And like anyone else, my success is contingent upon my work (among many other things), and my work is contingent upon ideas, and ideas are merely intellectual properties, the source of which is an abstraction--the mind. So if the artist encounters some kind of creative blockage, then he basically has no new work to show.

Obviously, I'm in that place right now which is why this blog entry sucks big time. But I think what bothers me the most is that it's out of my control. All I can do is keep reading, writing, going to shows, interacting with peers and friends, and keeping my eyes open to things that seem funny or odd to me. This is all one can do to cause ideas to surface.

So what have we learned thus far? Well, we've learned that I've been writing for a solid 20 minutes now and have only been able to produce this crap that you just read; seemingly interesting but ultimately without a point. And that's exactly my point. Sometimes you just cannot make a point no matter how hard you try. And when this happens, I think the creative person just needs to put the pen, brush, guitar, or microphone down, and consider his attempt valiant but with an ultimately resounding answer "Not today I guess." Which is exactly what I'm going to do now.

Smart Kids Anger Me

2009-03-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

Let's get a few credentials out of the way. I have a bachelor's degree in Communication from a top university and was able to graduate with a 3.7 gpa according to my resume. I do not consider myself an intellectual giant by any means, in fact I often surprise myself with how lame my mind can be at times. Somtimes I can't even concentrate enough to listen to someone's story and then I turn around and ask a question that they just answered if only my dumb-ass was listening. At that point, I appear very stupid. Nevertheless, on the whole I remain above average in intelligence which makes the following complaint a legitimate one.

I was at a party recently and this little girl (daughter of the hosts) couldn't have been more than 5 years old. She was enrolled at some Julliard caliber music school here in Manhattan and had accomplished musicians for parents. So she's probably a little smarter and advanced than the average 5 yr-old. But that is no excuse for what ensued. Not knowing her and having a liking for well-behaved children (emphasis on well-behaved, I'm not a afraid to smack a child that's not mine in public), I decided to make small talk with her. Upon finding out that she had recently lost a tooth, I playfully asked, "Oh that's good...did the tooth fairy come for you?"

Now I think I'm about to score huge points and perhaps get a warm hug from an adorable child. Not so. She adjusts her mood and tone, points her finger at me and says, "I happen to know for a fact that there's no such thing as the tooth fairy." My own psychological reaction was that of a perplexing change, something like, "Yeeeeaaahhhh...I'm gonna go ahead and ask you not to make me look stupid in front of the other guests."

Here I am, a grown man, trying to get on board with some goodwill towards a child, and she comes back with a factual correction and makes me look like a jackass in front of everyone? I'm not having that. My actual reaction was that I shut up right then and there and went back to whatever cheese spread I was eating, desperately hoping that no one saw me get schooled by a 5 yr-old prodigy who apparently can't have any fun.

However, my gut reaction was simply to respond, "Okay, no tooth fairy...fine. How bout this economy we're in right now? Your thoughts? Personally I think it's a fiscal problem with too much guesswork being done by greedy bankers, and the exchange of dead assets from the gov't back into the private sector is not the solution. What do you think?.......What's that?........Oh that's right, you don't know shit about economics! Maybe you should have stuck with the tooth fairy when I gave you the opportunity. Now get out of here, go skin your knee so that I have some indication that you're an actual child."

What kind of child at age 5 is not on board with the tooth fairy? And how am I, a reasonable adult, supposed to know that she's not? But because I wasn't, I got shown-up in front of all the other guests. I wanted to throw her ass into the top part of her grand piano, then close the top and have a fat friend sit on it while I knock out a little Linus and Lucy on the keys.

There's such a thing as being too smart for your own good when you'e that young. If it were a little boy, that's the kind of kid that's gonna end up getting an F in P.E., because his parents couldn't correct his physical growth well enough to keep him from striking out in kickball (a shameful thing). Needless to say, he'll be picked last every time on the field/court and even at that he'll often be asked to "sit this one out."

So a lesson to every parent and every child prodigy...If I say there's a tooth fairy, and you're 5 years old......there's a tooth fairy. End of discussion.

Food Network Shows

2009-03-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'll fully admit that in reading a fellow blogger's recent post I was inspired to take off a bit on the same concept...Food Network shows. This is a fascinating phenomenon that has happened in television over the last 6 years or so. I think it's fabulous, especially on the plane when there's otherwise not much else to watch.

I'm a fan of cooking myself and fancy myself above average for a bachelor. Granted, I have a serious girlfriend now so that has been incentive to sharpen my skills and is generally a good motivator to cook. And so it's riveting to watch some of these TV chefs work and concoct things that I've never even thought about. Those individuals are true artists and deserve their own show I suppose.

But what I want to rant on for a bit are the people like Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri who appear to only be able to make food for kids who are on there way to fat camp. I was watching Rachel Ray not too long ago because my only other options were literally Dude Where's My Car and Meatballs 2 (the first one is a classic...let it be said). So I'm watching her do her thing, and on that particular day she was throwing together some kind of tac0-stuffed Pizza rolls; wherein you take the ingredients of a taco, put it on pizza and roll it up! And then it hit me....this woman cooks her own trash. She's been able to make a great living coming up with food for hung-over people. It's like her philosophy is to take 2 awful foods, combine them and come up with some concoction that only a 7 yr old would do on accident. I can see her coming back from a commercial right now....

"Welcome back to THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED ONE NIGHT.....we're in the middle of making chili bratwurst dogs topped with tater tots and macaroni salad. This is an old recipe that my mom had from when she looked in her trash can one day..."
That's exactly what she should be saying. Is it just me, or do you have to be a sophomore at Devry holding down a part-time job at a hardware store to enjoy her recipes?

Guy Fieri is not much better. Although he gets a few extra points for not taking two foods that don't go together and trying to create some drunken hybrid version. At least he's not coming back from break saying "Okay...so today we're gonna take some corn beef hash and make a salad with it!" Nevertheless, there's a reason he does the TGI Friday's commercials...that's all he can do apparently. I'm all for wings and chicken kebabs and taquitos. But even he stretches the line with something called a Jambalaya sandwich. I order this all the time..."Yeah, I'm gonna get the Jambalaya sandwich...only hold the bread cuz as it turns out, I'm not mentally disabled."

I appreciate what these people are trying to do.....slack off in the kitchen and essentially get by on a fairly nice pair of breasts or a ridiculous looking bleached spikey hair-do. If that's what it takes to get my own cooking show and put together meals that E.T. could muster with his 3 fingers on each hand, then consider me a viable candidate. I just need to work on the spikey blonde hair-do.

The 4-day Week

2009-03-23T05:11:00.001-07:00

Don't let the title fool you, I'm definitely working all five days this week and it's a crying shame. But that's why I'd like to suggest a re-assessment of how our current work week is laid out. I really don't know the story of how we collectively agreed to work 5 days a week, while only taking 2 for rest and calling it our weekend. I'm a huge fan of rest, a man of leisure, if you will. I don't consider myself lazy by any means, I just know how to relax when it's time to relax. Which is why I think everyone should consider banding together and re-formulating our work week from 5 days to 4.

It seems arbitrary to me that 5 days is the optimal amount of days to work. Very few of us have the luxury of working whenever we want; most of us are forced to adhere to a system that insists on us being up in the morning on Monday and being miserable until at least 2pm that day. I say, "why continue this nonsense?". I think from now on Mondays should be the new Sundays and then we go back to work on Tuesday and work til Friday. Far from being equally arbitrary, there are some good reasons to suggest this. The first is obvious, now we're looking at 3-day weekends all the time. Who in this miserable spectrum we call "corporate America" doesn't look forward to a 3-day weekend? The answer is nobody...we all do. Thus, it seems linear and rational to adjust accordingly and make that the new work-week.

Another reason is the nature and "personality" of a Tuesday as opposed to a Monday. Everyone hates Mondays, but I don't know of one person who has beef with Tuesdays. Tuesday has the most neutral image and personality of any day of the week. We don't look forward to a Tuesday necessarily, but nor do we hate it; thus making it the perfect day to kick off our work-week. No one wants to "go in" on a day that they hate, and neither do we wish to "go in" on a day that we like. Tuesday is the perfect day to start work. With this new implementation of attitude toward days of the week, we find ourselves in an agreeable shift pattern. With the 4-day work week, we no longer feel the creeping stress on Sunday nights in thinking about the next morning. Consequentially, we no longer dread Mondays and yet as an added bonus, our love and appreciation for Fridays remains in tact. This is a win-win proposition; one worth serious consideration.

Another viable reason (for me at least) is that HBO has some stellar programming late at night that keeps a man up later than he'd wish to stay up given that the next day he must go back to work. I'm not talking "cinemax late", I mean that if I want to catch Eastbown and Down to end my weekend, daddy has to stay up til 10:30, which isn't that late, but it kind of is for most people. Thankfully I have DVR.

So I would like to start a movement in American culture that has us sleeping late on Mondays knowing full-well that Tuesday--a day marked by attitudinal neutrality--will be the start of our week. Of course one might critique this philosophy by stating that this will only shift the aforementioned anxieties and problems forward one day...Monday will become the new Sunday and Tuesday will become the new Monday. But I remind my critics to keep one last crucial argument in mind.......this is just a blog!

Concerts

2009-03-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm proud to say (yes...proud) that I'm going to see Fleetwood Mac at MSG. This will be a great event for me, not so much because it's Fleetwood Mac, even though they're a phenomenal band, but because it gives me a chance to watch a very select group of people perform for thousands of other not-so-select people and allows me a chance to reflect on the wrong choices I made in my career. Music is an integral part of my life, it has moved me from a very young age, especially bands from the "classic" genre. But you see, I'm sitting here writing a blog at my sorry and pathetic administrative job, and Lyndsey Buckingham is 4 hours from going on stage and making his guitar squeal like a stuck pig in one of the most notorious venues in the world.

When I see that kind of thing, I immediately regret my decision to go to college. I should have stayed in my garage and mastered a musical instrument, formed a band, and then hit the road telling everything and anything else to piss off. Truthfully I had this desire at some point, but it came at around age 20.....it's hard to get good at a musical instrument when you start that late. As they say, it's much easier to learn music and languages (which is essentially what music is) at a younger age. Nonetheless, I formed a band in college called Zero Gravity, we practiced and practiced and had the fortunate success of opening for my dick at my buddy's backyard in front of 9 people. When the adrenalin wore off, we played for a solid hour and a half and much to our surprise apparently Zero Gravity was able to garner zero appreciation and a musical career that equaled zero. But it was worth every minute of it!

Now if you're sitting there thinking that I secretly wish I would have become a rock star....let me just say, there's no secret about it. I think it's just about the best career one could have, assuming you don't end up main-lining Jack Daniel's into your neck to get high. Then again...don't knock it....etc. So when I go to see a concert of one of my favorite bands, it's a love/hate relationship. I love the experience and yet hate those bastards for succeeding when I'm stuck here blogging about Ronnie James Dio knocking heads off at the Beacon Theater some time ago. Don't misunderstand me please, I'm not bitter. I just want to share the stage with Eddie Van Halen and pretend I can sing like David Coverdale. I'm the kind of guy who upon hearing a great rock song, would play air drums in front of my girlfriend's family at Thanksgiving dinner (first time meeting them) with my knife and fork and possibly attempt a drumstick twirl only to have it end up flying into her grandma's eye! Of course I'd feel terrible that it happened, but I will NOT apologize for "feelin' it".

And so hear I sit at the end of my work day anxiously awaiting to see 4-5 people doing what I wished I was doing for a living. Hell, not even for a living, just for a chance to redeem my sad performance in that friggin' backyard.

Off to the concert I go.

St. Patricks Day

2009-03-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I did nothing. My historical knowledge of certain holidays is pretty meager except for the obvious big holidays like Flag Day and Bastille Day....I'll go on all day about those. It is rather fascinating to me that people take major license to celebrate something they either know little to nothing about, or it doesn't apply to them (Cinco De Mayo) and then simultaneously use the holiday to get really drunk and act like a fool.

Don't get me wrong, there was about 4 straight years when I got drunk and acted like a fool every weekend...the glory days, if you will (okay maybe 6 straight years). However it was on days such as St. Patty's day and New Years Eve that I opted to not join the herd of jack-offs drinking themselves silly and generally being a menace to society. This might sound a little elitist, a bit too cool for school perhaps? If that's what you think, then let me give you some examples of how cool I can be. Instead of joining the frolicking masses in their "amateur hour" celebratory shenanigans, I might instead sit at home with my own six pack for a chance to watch Teen Wolf for the 123rd time. Or let's say I was tempted to "come out" that night with some friends, but randomly I noticed that Roadhouse is gonna be on TBS in less than an hour.......well, guess who's about to cancel? I'm sorry, but a sixie coupled with Swayze ripping throats out and getting hot ass along the way is about as good a night as I can think of. Obviously these are not options to brag about for most people, they are only cited to illustrate how uncool I can be relative to the people who think it's cool to rage on St. Patrick's Day. I simply choose not to be a part of it.

I went out to Hoboken, NJ one week ago completely unaware that for some idiotic reason, they choose to celebrate St. Patty's Day over a week before the holiday. So when I got to the station to get on a train, I was immediately depressed and at the same time impressed to see the tool factory that the PATH station had turned into that morning. Immediately I thought to myself, "I'm gonna murder someone....it's only a matter of time." Half drunk girls wearing ridiculous headwear, popped collar frat boys huddling together talking about their strategy of how they're gonna push everyone out of the way and bomb rush the first available train car when the doors open. I've never wanted to pour gasoline on people and light them on fire until that morning.

When I finally came up to the streets of Hoboken, I was surprised to see that Rutger's had apparently dumped its entire freshmen class in a state of drunkenness on to the town....it was noon by the way. I spent most of my walk looking at the zoo animals and making horrible judgements in my head about each of them thinking, "I wonder who took their Valtrex today.......moreover, I wonder who's gonna need to start taking Valtrex after today." This of course reminded me that I needed to take my Valtrex, so I did and quickly stopped judging everyone else. I ended up getting a forty and passing out in a bush with one shoe.

So happy belated St. Patrick's Day everyone, stay inside next time. Maybe you can join me for Stallone in Cliffhanger!

An Introduction

2009-03-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

This is the first blog I've ever done and the first time writing in this first blog. So that's a first...I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I'm a fairly opinionated guy and like most writers, I'm not afraid to call a spade a spade; which is probably what this blog will mostly be about.
As a comedian and a hack actor, I spend most of my time observing the nuances and little things in life, some that matter and some that don't. It's the latter that I specialize in. For instance, I can name all five current and past members of the band Journey. I can also spew out the starting five and the bench players for the Chicago Bulls in the early 90's. I also notice the frustration when a hair stylist is cutting my hair too short and for some reason I don't have the balls to speak up and correct him/her.
These are things that I notice and point out. Do I know what's going on with the economy right now? Yes. Can I explained how it happened? Hell no. But I do know that Nick Cage had a very small role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (at the time, he was Nicholas Coppola).
You see what I mean people? This is my blog, these are the things I'll be writing about. And there's pretty much nothing you can do about it.

So enjoy!